PC: Taking a little break from our US Title match marathon (it was a marathon, I promise) to recap some RAW. Our aforementioned Cable Guy hooked us up with the DVR (which we were probably already paying for) so we have the magical ability to fast forward this week.
Coach: So no Divas matches or Smackdown recaps.
PC: Coach, I have a confession to make...
Coach: You bought Fatal 4way tickets?
PC: No. I watched Smackdown this week.
Coach: That's a terrible way to spend a Friday night. PC, it's not even Live.
PC: I have a problem.
Coach: I like the opening to the WWE shows. Nice little history lesson full of guys I don't recognize.
PC: We start in the middle of Edge beating up Evan Bourne.
Coach: What a coincidence that the first time we have DVR, we totally miss the beginning of RAW. But I guess that's just Raw being Raw...totally unpredictable, as usual.
PC: Bourne makes a comeback with some sweet looking kick combinations. He goes for the shooting star press and hits nothing. Edge hits the spear and makes some goofy faces that are supposed to be "menacing." Edge talks about his opponents at Fatal 4Way and about how the fans don't respect him.
Coach: Uh oh, here comes Randy Orton. He smells the hate and just has to get in on it.
PC: Orton is the only guy in wrestling with a cheesier t-shirt and goofier facial expressions than Edge. What happened to cocky fratboy Legend Killer Orton? That Orton was awesome. Edge talks some trash and Orton hits the RKO.
Coach: Does Orton sing his own theme song?
PC: No, but he should. And I should point out that Coach is laughing uncontrollably whenever Randy Orton is onscreen.
Coach: It's like he doesn't even need to talk anymore. He just closes his eyes at dramatic moments.
PC: Back from commercial and Ashton Kutcher is hugging one of the faceless Divas.
Coach: WWE really shouldn't have someone with the acting talent of Ashton Kutcher hosting Raw and showing up all their talent.
PC: Here comes the Miz.
Coach: Oh man, these two on screen together...
PC: It's magic. OH MY GOD I NOW LOVE ASHTON KUTCHER I WILL SIGN UP FOR HIS STUPID TWITTER!!! Ashton Kutcher just signed a match between The Miz and BRYAN DANIELSON (or Daniel Bryan or whatever they're calling his this week)!!
R-Truth vs. Chris Jericho (non-title)
Coach: If that's not enough, we get a live rap from the NEW United States Champion R-Truth. WHAT'S UP!
PC: WHAT'S UP!
Coach: His opponent is Chris Jericho who, incidentally, is not wearing a suit tonight.
PC: Non-Title match. R-Truth in control in the early going and the crowd is solidly behind him. After fast-forwarding through the commercial, we find Chris Jericho in control with the headlock. R-Truth fights out and rolls up Jericho for two. Jericho with an enzugiri to take control again. Jericho with a big suplex and a big shit-eating grin.
Coach: I don't want to see R-Truth lose. Mostly because I don't want to see an R-Truth/Jericho feud.
PC: Disagree whole-heartedly. If this match is any indication, these guys mesh pretty well together. Things go back and forth from there with each guy going for their signature spots and failing to come up big. Jericho gets the Walls of Jericho, but R-Truth is able to turn it into a roll-up for THREE! WHAT'S UP!
Coach: WHAT'S UP!
PC: Really good match. Post-match, Jericho is distraught.
Coach: Thank god we can fast-forward through all these highlight packages.
PC: Zack Ryder complains to Bret Hart about Ashton Kutcher. I suppose Bret Hart is as good a person to complain about Ashton Kutcher to as anyone. Here comes the Hart Dynasty and Bret reveals that he signed the tag team that attacked them last week. I couldn't understand the name of said team through Bret's accent. My apologies.
Santino Marella & Eve Torres vs. Maryse & William Regal w/ Vladimir Kozlov
Coach: Ugh, I hate Regal.
PC: You just haven't seen any of his good matches. He works best when it's him and another old guy (like Finlay or Benoit) beating the shit out of each other. Santino tries to get Vladimir Kozlov to be his new tag partner.
Coach: So far the writing on this show is working on me. I'm liking who they tell me to like, I'm hating who they want me to hate. Except Randy Orton. Can't get into that guy.
PC: The divas do some stuff and then Regal comes in and lays into Santino with some elbows.
Coach: Regal looks like my friend's dad. I should ask him if that's why his dad is never home on Monday nights.
PC: Kozlov turns on Regal! Santino with the cover and it looks like we have a new, European Union-themed tag team.
Coach: Highlight package in honor of Memorial Day. WWE salutes our troops and their continued defense of our freedom to have sweet fighter plane fly-overs.
PC: Bret Hart comes to the ring.
Coach: If, and by "if" I mean "when," we go to a live WWE event, will you buy an R-Truth t-shirt?
PC: I don't know. Would you?
Coach: No, but I'd be willing to wear my home made one.
PC: Three hour RAW next week with the whole WWE roster. Oh boy.
Coach: DVR couldn't have come at a better time.
PC: Teddy DiBiase, with VIRGIL (can't believe he was available...), interrupts.
Coach: I'm not gonna respect him until he grows a beard and wears a suit.
PC: DiBiase claims that Bret only came back to WWE for money. Even Bret can't refute that one. And now Ashton Kutcher interrupts. He is quickly losing his good will with me. Ashton suggests "Viewer's Choice" as the theme for next week's Raw. Bret agrees but...
Coach: Another interruption.
PC: This time it's Vince himself. Crowd loves the old man. And I love his hair, real or fake.
Coach: Vince is beginning to look and move like Andy Griffith.
PC: Vince gives Bret advice: Treat the fans like children. Wow. There's the WWE philosophy in a five words. Fans not as happy with Vince on his way out.
Coach: Backstage we get Zack Ryder and Randy Orton having a chat. Orton gets nailed on the shoulder with a door by Edge. He writhes in pain on the floor and his acting is Olivier-esque.
The Miz vs. Daniel Bryan
Coach: Miz's face is still small.
PC: "One night contract" for Bryan. Recap of DB beating up Michael Cole and the Miz last week on NXT. I refuse to fast-forward. Man, that elbow on Miz was fucking SOLID.
Coach: Here we go!
PC: Match begins with Bryan landing several punches on Miz.
Coach: Correction, illegal close-fist punches.
PC: Miz takes control and Cole trashes DB and all the smarks on the internet. Hey! That's me! Oh man, Bryan uses a modified Crippler Crossface.
Coach: Awkward...
PC: Miz rolls over for a pin attempt, but Bryan rolls it over again and GETS THE WIN! Post-match, Miz attacks tries to force Bryan to apologize to Michael Cole. Instead, DB slams Miz's face into the announce table.
Coach: And then throws him right on top of Cole!
PC: Best Raw match ever. After commercial, Cole complains about DB.
Coach: Lawler seems like he's sick of Cole's whining. I smell an announcer vs. announcer feud.
PC: The mystery tag team from last week is in the ring. I still can't understand the pronunciation of their name. Apparently they are Samoan. They explain that they went after the Hart Dynasty to get their name out there. Too bad I still don't know what their name is. Okay, I'm piecing things together. The girl is Jimmy Snuka's daughter. Before I can find out any more, the Hart Dynasty storms the ring. The Samoans get the best of them once again, however.
Coach: Aww, no Hart Attack tonight...
PC: Lawler lets the cat out of the bag. They are Rikishi's twin sons. Their name is Uso. Nice to know.
Coach: Zack Ryder comes out to further his twitter feud with Ashton Kutcher. Why do you watch this again?
PC: Lawler comes to the ring with a chair, but he just sits on it. The REAL hired gun for Kutcher is The Great Khali. Oh wait, no it's not. Out comes Goldust. Third time's a charm? Nope. Kutcher claims that Ryder will never see it coming. The diva he came to the ring with attacks him. DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING, DID YOU COACH??!!
Coach: No...oh wait. Yes. I meant to say yes.
PC: Backstage, Sheamus confronts Edge. They talk strategy. Thrilling stuff.
Coach: The A-Team (except Liam Neeson) host Raw next week. I have an early internet vote. I vote for Liam Neeson, and none of the other A-Team, to host Raw.
Edge & Sheamus vs. John Cena & ???
PC: Orton is apparently out of the main event. So either it's a handicap match or Cena will have a mystery partner. I hope it's not Ashton Kutcher. Cena's parter...Evan Bourne?! Matt Sydal is headlining Raw! Holy Shit! And Bryan Danielson won! Best Raw ever.
Coach: The internet is about to burn to the ground.
PC: Cena and Bourne in control to start. Sydal hits some flashy offense and the crowd is in love. So is Cena. This is grand.
Coach: I like this guy's energy. Do you have any third-generation bootleg DVDs of Bourne?
PC: Actually, I do. Back from commercial and Cena and Edge and beating on Sheamus. Edge tags in and takes control. Sydal is a great Face in Peril. Crowd is going crazy even before Bourne makes any false comebacks. Sheamus with a two-armed clothesline to cut off Bourne's first comeback. Edge tags in and further dominates.
Coach: I have no comments. This is a good match and I am tired from drinking all day.
PC: Bourne hits a big enzugiri on Edge. Both men are down.
Coach: It's like the end of Rocky II. If Rocky II was a tag team match.
PC: Hot tag to Cena. Cena beats on Sheamus and hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Sheamus with a powerslam. Sheamus with the charge into the corner but Bourne hits a kick. Cena with the Attitude Adjustment, dodges a spear by Edge, and tags in Bourne. Bourne hits the Air Bourne FOR THE WIN!
Coach: That's pretty rad flip.
Final Thoughts
Coach: Great Raw. Next week is Viewer's Choice. I have to start thinking about that right now. I want Evan Bourne vs. someone else who would dive at him from the top rope and they would collide in mid-air. How do I vote for that?
PC: Best Raw in quite awhile. R-Truth/Jericho, Miz/Danielson, and the Main Event were all really fun. Even then mixed tag was easy to watch this week. See you tomorrow night for the Season Finale of NXT!
No comments:
Post a Comment