Coach: Well gracious readers, it’s just me tonight (finally) for this edition of “PC and Coach watch wrestling”-actually, for tonight let’s make it “Coach and PC watch wrestling”. That’s more like it. If anyone is concerned that the blog entry just won’t be the same without Mr. “PC”, whatever that stands for, have no fear. I am fully capable of replicating all of his thoughts, moods and reactions through my own words. Here we go…
Tonight’s Raw Host is…comedian and singer(?) JOHN LOVITZ
“PC”: Coach, let’s watch some wrestling.
Coach: We already are.
“PC”: I know, but let’s watch more wrestling while we watch this. I just downloaded a Japanese match with 20 women and barbed wire. I’ve seen some of it, quite a match thus far.
Coach: Let’s just focus on Raw for now. We should also focus a little bit on game 4 of the Celtics-Magic series. I will flip back and forth between the two (Orlando leads as I write this).
“PC”: Absolutely not, we have to watch only wrestling and wrestling fan-targeted advertising, no exceptions.
Coach: Sorry, you’re not here. There’s nothing you can do about it. And for those of you who question my dedication, PC, a bona fide wrestling dork, wouldn’t even skip out on work to be here tonight. What a fair-weather wrestling fan.
“PC”: I’m gonna make you watch so much wrestling when I get back.
RAW begins…live from Toledo, OH
Coach: I haven’t watched raw in the last few, weeks luckily they started the show with a highlight package. Apparently Cena and Batista are still feuding, there was a car involved.
“PC”: Look at their hair and their clothes!
Coach: Hey that’s my line. Batista is the first to come out. Dear readers, please burn down cablevision, USA is coming in glitch and spotty. Tista has a sling on, Lawler says his last match with cena was the most vicious and intense to ever occur between the two. I believe him.
“PC”: This reminds me of match I saw-
Coach: Don’t even start.
“PC”: Racist!
Coach: English major! Batista continues to whine about cena and how much his vag hurts, suddenly they announce the new “manager” of Monday Night Raw….Brett Hart.
“PC”: They finally found a way to include him so that there’s slightly less of a chance that he’ll die in the ring.
Coach: He looks like he’s about to die right now. The Hitman issues a challenge…
Batista v. Orton to qualify for the Fatal Fourway
Coach: Batista forfeits on the account that he is injured. He threatens to quit the WWE.
“PC”: This could be it.
Coach: He did it, Tista quit the WWE. Probably shouldn’t have asked the audience whether or not he should have. He leaves in a wheelchair. Lawler: “is this the last time we see batista?”
“PC”: Again, I believe everything Lawler says. This is the most surprising thing to ever happen to the WWE.
Coach: A couple minutes into the 2nd, Orlando leads by 6…
“PC”: Hey!
Coach: What would be more surprising, Batista coming back to the WWE after quitting or Orlando winning game 4?
“PC”: Batista, seriously, he did not get resigned this year.
Mark Henry v. Sheamus to qualify for the fatal 4way
Coach: Quite the contrast.
“PC”: Careful Coach, I’m not here to censor you. Mark Henry appears in control of the match thus far. Sheamus neutralizes his power with some cheap leg kicks. He also works on Henry’s previously injured shoulder. Great match thus far.
Coach: I need to get myself one of those “WSM” leotards.
“PC”: Mark Henry goes for the pin, but, we have a kickout. Sheamus escapes a bodyslam due to Henry’s injured shoulder, he kicks Henry and pins him. Sheamus is on his way to the fatal 4way, which is at the Nassau Colliseum in nearby Long Island, you hear that Coach?
Coach: I have something to do that weekend. Commercial break time to check score Orlando up 8 with 6 left in the 2nd.
Later: United States Championship, R-Truth v. Miz
“PC”: WHATS UP!
Coach: WHATS UP!
“PC”: The United States Championship! Raw is pulling out all the stops tonight!
Coach: Where’s John Lovitz? Ah! We come back from commercial and Lawler lets me know that he’s hosting a talent contest with all the superstars. We come back to Lovitz with a Diva innuendos (more like direct sexual references) ensue. Lovitz is plugging his new comedy club and trying to teach a diva some French.
“PC”: In more important news, the Hitman and Edge are also backstage discussing the last vacant spot in the fatal 4way. Jericho butts in, he’s mad, demands to be in the fatal 4way. Hitman lays down the law, Cena v. Jericho v. Edge to qualify for the 4way tonight.
Coach: Hitman could potentially make some enemies with this new job, I know this because Jericho subtly pointed it out.
“PC”: Lost sucks.
Coach: I agree. Commercial time. Orlando up 4 with 2:45 to go in the half.
“PC”: We come back live to a divas match, Coach please change to the Orlando-Boston game.
Coach: I thought you’d never ask. Just over a minute to go in the half, Magic up by 6, playing some good D but eating up fouls. Back to Raw, some chicks won because the ref’s back was turned.
“PC”: We are treated to a highlight package of the hart foundation’s domination Miz and Jericho. Miz v. R-Truth is next.
Coach: R-Truth is wearing a shirt that says “stand up and say ‘what’s up’”, I’m excited. 26 seconds left in the half Orlando still up 6, Pierce on the line.
“PC”: You’re moving back and forth between the two too fast, pretty soon you wont be able to tell which one is which and have an aneurism.
Coach: No I won’t because you’re my constant. Half: Magic 51, Celtics 47
NEXT Match R-Truth v. Miz
“PC”: WHATS UP!
Coach: WHATS UP! R-Truth came out first. His didn’t quite get all the way into the microphone. Now Miz is out.
“PC”: “I’m awesome” is not quite as good as “what’s up”. The match starts with Miz taking control with some punching, almost pins him right out.
Coach: Commercial break, I wonder how they pass the time during these breaks? Dwight Howard: 17 – 5 at the half.
“PC”: They probably listen to “sexy boy”. We’re back Miz has R-truth outside of the ring after truth missed a dive. Truth kicks out of a pin, Miz puts him into a submission.
Coach: This is for the “prestigious” united states championship” lawler says.
“PC”: Truth makes some efforts to come back but Miz remains in control as he always has through this match thus far. Miz argues with a ref and gets distracted, truth takes advantage and slams him. We have several kickouts by both.
Coach: Both young men are quite determined to win this meaningless belt.
“PC”: Crowd starts cheering “whats up, whats up” truth connects with a lie detector, pins Miz and wins his first title. WHATS UP
Coach: WHATS UP! we geta highlight package of what happened earlier with batista, who quit the WWE…FOREVER. Interview time with Cena, he’s psyched about “closure” with batista and pissed about Sheamus, who isn’t. When does John Lovitz come back.
“PC”: That’s the ticket!
Coach: Commercial break, I change to game 4 to see howard alley oop and then block a shot. Orlando still up 6 three minutes into the half. Alright back to Raw, Jon Lovitz time, he’s hosting a talent show and he’s flanked by two lovely divas
“PC”: I hope R-truth raps for his talent.
Coach: First two contestants: a duet with between the Gret Kali and a leprechaun singing “putting on the ritz” while in tuxedos. Hilarious. They are eliminated.
“PC”: Next contestant: some diva, gets eliminated immediately.
Coach: Lovitz turns to the audience for talent, some rando dude comes on stage. Says he can pull his eye out of his face. He goes for it, pulls out his fake eye, it’s real gross. Suddenly, a well dressed Ted DiBiase comes out apparently, he wants the fake eyeball. Tries to buy it. Now Santino comes out, I can’t keep up. Santino uses some sort pressure point to incapacitate DiBiase’s servant then DiBiase slams Santino and Lovitz declares him the winner of the talent contest.
“PC”: I can’t believe my eye!
Coach: Commercial break, Orlando up by 4 with 4:30 to go in the 3rd. Back from commercial, they’re talking about Smackdown…
“PC”: I don’t care.
Hart Dynasty v. Kozlov and Regal
Coach: BORING, Regal looks old.
“PC”: Hart Attack! Dynasty pins and wins, but wait…some action after the pin. Some wrestlers that Coach has never heard of take out the harts and stand over them, cut to commercial.
Coach: Orlando up only 1, less than a minute in the 3rd. My attention span for wrestling is running thin.
“PC”: There’s one more match and it’s the main event: a threeway to decide the fourway. We can’t miss it.
Coach: I must endure one more match. We come back to an interview with the final 4 nxt rookies remaining. They talk about who will be eliminated next.
“PC”: None of this matters, Bryan Danielsan will destroy all of them. Slater and Otunga get into it.
Coach: We are treated to a replay of Bryan Danielsan going crazy on Michael Cole, About time somebody did something. Cole says that he will demand a public apology from danielsan tomorrow night. If he doesn’t get it, he’s gonna sue danielsan.
“PC”: Jericho tries to scheme backstage with Edge against Cena, backfires, Edge is out for himself. Commercial time.
Coach: Rasheed gets a technical (again), Orlando up by 3 with 10 mins left. And we’re back…
3way to decide the 4way, Jericho v. Edge v. Cena
“PC”: Cena come out first, then Edge, then Jericho. These three are all big names.
Coach: Dare I call this the most important match of all time?
“PC”: At least until the fatal 4way.
Coach: Cena bust out with punches for both opponents, clears the ring within a minute. They get back in, double clothesline each other.
“PC”: Edge is kicked out the ring again and Jericho goes to work on Cena in the corner. A couple kickouts and submissions ensue. No one person is really in control of this one. Cena gets mad, starts to dominate Jericho. Edge comes in and tries to spear Cean but misses and hits Jericho. The three trade submissions, this looks kinda sloppy altogether. Cena goes for the attitude adjustment on Jericho but is speared by Edge in the process. More kickouts and failed signature moves. Oh the drama. Edge wins after spearing Jericho while Cena is temporarily dazed on the ground. Edge advances to the 4way.
Coach: Uh oh, here comes Sheamus, about to hate on Cena, soon after comes Orton, smelling the hate.
Final Thoughts:
“PC”: Fatal 4way, Sheamus, Orton, Cena and Edge. Coach I know you’re tempted to go.
Coach: I kinda am. Must watch game though Magic up by one with 4 mins left.
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