PC: We have slowed down lately due to increased work schedules. With a month-long vacation coming up, I had to force Coach to sit down and watch something.
Coach: Hopefully I'll get a lot done. Stay productive. I will definitely be listening to some wrestling entrance songs in the meantime, to keep my IQ nice and low for when you come back.
PC: Coach, at least I tried to pick something out that was sure to entertain you. we'll save our All Japan 400-level stuff for when I come back.
Coach: Did Rey Mysterio always wear a mask.
PC: Yes. Well, he briefly lost it in WCW.
Coach: What's he look like in real life?
PC: A little kid. Match starts fast with both guys trading counters. Mysterio gets the better of it and hits two gigantic topes to the outside.
Coach: Psicosis looks exactly like I imagine Ronny James Dio would look like if he were a Mexican wrestler.
PC: Rey wins the first fall with a snap rana. Rey starts the second fall by hitting somewhere along the lines of 30 hurricanrana variations in a row.
Coach: Flat top in the front row! Flat top in the front row!
PC: Psicosis recovers and offers a handshake.
Coach: Don't fall for it...
PC: He fell for it. Psicosis gets an armbar on and hits an enzugiri. I hope we get the Psicosis bump here.
Coach: Huh?
PC: Certain guys have special ways of falling. Doing it in their own special way.
Coach: Ah. Like Al Pacino's yelling.
PC: Psicosis locks on a sharpshooter.
Coach: Back when we started this blog, I probably would have made a lot more of Psicosis's costume. Now it seems rather tame. he probably could have done more with it.
PC: Psicosis bump! Full speed shoulder-first into the post.
Coach: HOO-WAA!
PC: Rey follows up with a cartwheel into a rana. Rey goes for a springboard moonsault but Psicosis catches him for a tombstone and wins the second falls.
Coach: This match is like a delicious batch of sliders.
PC: Psicosis starts the third fall by powerbombing Rey through a table. He follows up by HITTING AN ABSOLUTELY MOTHERFUCKING CRAZY NO HANDED OVER THE TOP ROPE SUICIDE DIVE INTO THE CROWD! Rey may be way smoother, but Psicosis has the distinct advantage of being completely out of his mind.
Coach: Hey, Flat Top!
PC: Psicosis hits his signature bump off the top of the ring post and lands outside. Rey hits a crazy tope con hilo and destroys Psicosis with a chair outside the ring.
Coach: Rey goes for a rana off the top and spikes Psicosis on his head. Not sure if that's how you're supposed to hit that move.
PC: You are correct. Rey hits a flurry of crazy moves and Coach almost knocked over his laptop.
Coach: Flips, tables, chairs, a sharpshooter. What's not to love?
PC: Psicosis puts Mysterio through a table via senton. Psicosis then lays out Rey with a chair and hits a tumbleweed from the top for the win.
Final Thoughts
Coach: Why do I feel like it's just as hot in that arena as it is in our apartment right now?
PC: Two fun guys at their peak of fun-ness in a company that let them do pretty much whatever they felt like. Good times.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
WWE RAW 6/14/10
PC: Coach has lost all hope. I have made him made him watch so much wrestling over the past couple months that he has started researching hospices to get away.
Coach: Hope Hospice of Southern Florida has a very strong lead right now. I can't decide if I want home care or hospice care. What I do know is that I want to die.
PC: We start with a recap of the NXT invasion at the end of last week's Raw.
Coach: I wish all wrestling could be in highlite package form. Everything has music and slo-mo and replays interspliced throughout.
PC: Wade Barrett in the ring. The rest of the NXT guys enter through the crowd. Awesome. The announcers are so creeped out that they exit ringside.
Coach: Daniel Bryan is conspicuously absent.
PC: I love the rookie invaders stuff. If this were happening in NOAH right now, the internet would melt. Each guy in sequence refuses to apologize.
Coach: I think I might start taking Darren Young seriously...
PC: Barrett is pretty great on the stick.
Coach: And those fascist-looking "N" armbands are pretty swank.
PC: Here comes Bret Hart. Barrett says that Daniel Bryan has been kicked out of the NXT faction for showing remorse.
Coach: This is the third time we've been told we'll never see Daniel Bryan again. I bet it sticks this time!
PC: Barrett demands that the rest of the NXT guys get contracts. Hart denies them. Not only that, but Bret fires Barrett.
Coach: Back from the commercial and we get a recap of what just happened five minutes ago. Just in case you forgot.
R-Truth vs. John Morrison vs. Zack Ryder vs. The Miz
PC: WHAT'S UP!
Coach:
WHAT'S UP!
PC: Truth is really struggling with the lyrics tonight.
Coach: Morrison gives his glasses to a little kid who reacts like he just found out his dad is Turboman.
PC: Quick action from the very beginning with all four guys getting involved and going for quick roll-ups early. Morrison sunset flip-powerbombs Miz off the apron right into Ryder on the outside. Awesome spot.
Coach: Damn! We forgot to DVR Big Show's appearance on Royal Pains!
PC: That's what BitTorrent is for. Back from the break and all four guys are down after a crazy superplex/powerbomb clusterfuck out of the corner. Miz eventually gains control but is cut off on the outside by Morrison. They cycle through finishers and pin attempts.
Coach: Morrison's got R-Truth down and he looks conflicted as he goes to the top. He hits his crazy top rope spin thing but Miz tosses Morrison out of the ring and gets the pin. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
PC: Backstage, Randy Orton predicts that he will win the Fatal 4way this Sunday. That feels a bit biased to me. He also calls out the NXT rookies.
Coach: I wish that Randy Orton would open a T-shirt store. All the same T-shirts, all the same size. I would do 100% of my shopping there.
PC: Guy from Royal Pains is the Raw host tonight. Here come Teddy DiBiase.
Coach: He wants to pay off the Royal Pains guy to be the co-host for the night. He always wants to buy the stupidest stuff. Damn New Money.
PC: Royal Pains guy tries to do some comedy. Notice that I said "tries." Big Show and Royal Pains guy to face DiBiase and Virgil tonight.
Chris Jericho vs. Evan Bourne
Coach: Here comes the host of ABC's Downfall. Finally, a real celebrity/wrestler.
PC: Jericho in control early, keeping Evan Bourne on the ground. Bourne gets a few flurries in, but Jericho cuts him off early each time. Fun stuff. Bourne kicks out of the Codebreaker. Weird.
Coach: Ummm...
PC: Are they really giving Matt Sydal a sustained push? Weird. My head is spinning. Never did I dream that the skinny guy trading rana's with Delirious in a highschool gym in Indiana would be crushing Chris Jericho with a Shooting Star Press on Raw to a big ovation.
Coach: Here comes Cena. Jorts and all.
PC: John Cena calls the WWE ring sacred ground. This NXT thing is becoming a holy war.
Coach: The Gaza Strip has nothing on Raw.
PC: NXT guys come back out of the crowd. Lawler hops into the ring along with several other members of the Raw locker room. Wild brawl ensues. NXT guys end up retreating back through the crowd with several mid-carders in pursuit.
Coach: For the second week in a row, we accidentally fast forward through the Divas match. Whoops.
Big Show & Royal Pains Guy vs. Ted DiBiase Jr. & Virgil
PC: Big Show calls the Royal Pains guy his best friend. Really? Did they grow up together? Were they in the same fraternity? Frequent the same dive bar? Big Show, shockingly, uses his size to his advantage in the early going.
Coach: Teddy tags in Virgil. Finally, he real match can start.
PC: Big Show lifts the "Wrestling Superstar" by his head into the ring. The Royal Pains guy does The Worm. I guess he hasn't really followed Raw since abut 2001 or so. Nevertheless, he pins Virgil and gets the win. In protest, DiBiase shoves a 100 dollar bill into Virgil's mouth. Then he comes back and takes it away. Okay then. Here's what that reminds me of:
http://imagechan.com/images/bde0ed71769d401c37f3d793c379ecf4.jpg
Santino Marela vs. William Regal
PC: Special guest referee for the match will be Vladimir Kozlov.
Coach: I smell a conflict of interest. That should be added to the list of things that every good referee should have.
PC: Regal works over Santino's arm. Then Santino wins with a roll-up and a handful of tights. Regal starts to complain and here comes Bret Hart to settle the dispute.
Coach: Bret Hart asks the whole roster to come out onto the stage. This is a good reminder that Goldust is still collecting a WWE paycheck.
Edge & Sheamus vs. Randy Orton & John Cena
PC: Orton has a fresh shave and looks ESPECIALLY like Joran van der Sloot tonight.
Coach: Direct Quote: "John Cena is John Cena. That's the X factor. He's John Cena." I think he was referring to Sheamus.
PC: Sheamus and Cena start it out.
Coach: The Cena lovers will always outweigh the Cena haters. Kids of Cena and their high pitched pre-pubescent voices can easily drown out the drunken shouts of the 18-35 year old males.
PC: Pretty standard match for a Raw main event so far. Not that Coach would know. He's deep in hospice land at this point.
Coach: I just found two different hospices that use the exact same picture on the main page of their respective websites.
PC: Back from the break and Cena is on fire. Edge cuts him off and he and Sheamus beat up on Cena. Cena is really good in this role as the crowd loves every one of his mini-comebacks. Literally every time Cena does anything, the kids in the crowd freak out.
Coach: Ummm, you're doing the same thing.
PC: Shut up Coach. You would do the same for the Ravens if they were making a comeback against Edge and Sheamus.
Coach: I would pay so much money to go to that game.
PC: Oh yeah, Orton's in this match. He cleans house and hits the rope-assisted DDT on Sheamus. No look RKO on Edge! Sheamus cuts him off with an axe handle and a backbreaker. Tag to Edge and we get our second extended heat segment of the match. Cena tags in.
Coach: Uh oh. Oh no. The NXT guys are tearing apart the locker room and beating up Bret Hart. The oooooooold Die Hard with a Vengeance ploy.
PC: They shove Bret Hart into the back seat of a limo and then slam it into all sorts of stuff in the parking lot. wade Barrett says some Wade Barrett stuff and we end the show.
Final Thoughts
Coach: I'm just disappointed that we both have work tomorrow and will miss the Fatal 4way.
PC: Good Raw tonight (well, last Monday). NXT stuff, four way, and main event were all solid. Back in a few days with more reviews.
Coach: Hope Hospice of Southern Florida has a very strong lead right now. I can't decide if I want home care or hospice care. What I do know is that I want to die.
PC: We start with a recap of the NXT invasion at the end of last week's Raw.
Coach: I wish all wrestling could be in highlite package form. Everything has music and slo-mo and replays interspliced throughout.
PC: Wade Barrett in the ring. The rest of the NXT guys enter through the crowd. Awesome. The announcers are so creeped out that they exit ringside.
Coach: Daniel Bryan is conspicuously absent.
PC: I love the rookie invaders stuff. If this were happening in NOAH right now, the internet would melt. Each guy in sequence refuses to apologize.
Coach: I think I might start taking Darren Young seriously...
PC: Barrett is pretty great on the stick.
Coach: And those fascist-looking "N" armbands are pretty swank.
PC: Here comes Bret Hart. Barrett says that Daniel Bryan has been kicked out of the NXT faction for showing remorse.
Coach: This is the third time we've been told we'll never see Daniel Bryan again. I bet it sticks this time!
PC: Barrett demands that the rest of the NXT guys get contracts. Hart denies them. Not only that, but Bret fires Barrett.
Coach: Back from the commercial and we get a recap of what just happened five minutes ago. Just in case you forgot.
R-Truth vs. John Morrison vs. Zack Ryder vs. The Miz
PC: WHAT'S UP!
Coach:
WHAT'S UP!PC: Truth is really struggling with the lyrics tonight.
Coach: Morrison gives his glasses to a little kid who reacts like he just found out his dad is Turboman.
PC: Quick action from the very beginning with all four guys getting involved and going for quick roll-ups early. Morrison sunset flip-powerbombs Miz off the apron right into Ryder on the outside. Awesome spot.
Coach: Damn! We forgot to DVR Big Show's appearance on Royal Pains!
PC: That's what BitTorrent is for. Back from the break and all four guys are down after a crazy superplex/powerbomb clusterfuck out of the corner. Miz eventually gains control but is cut off on the outside by Morrison. They cycle through finishers and pin attempts.
Coach: Morrison's got R-Truth down and he looks conflicted as he goes to the top. He hits his crazy top rope spin thing but Miz tosses Morrison out of the ring and gets the pin. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
PC: Backstage, Randy Orton predicts that he will win the Fatal 4way this Sunday. That feels a bit biased to me. He also calls out the NXT rookies.
Coach: I wish that Randy Orton would open a T-shirt store. All the same T-shirts, all the same size. I would do 100% of my shopping there.
PC: Guy from Royal Pains is the Raw host tonight. Here come Teddy DiBiase.
Coach: He wants to pay off the Royal Pains guy to be the co-host for the night. He always wants to buy the stupidest stuff. Damn New Money.
PC: Royal Pains guy tries to do some comedy. Notice that I said "tries." Big Show and Royal Pains guy to face DiBiase and Virgil tonight.
Chris Jericho vs. Evan Bourne
Coach: Here comes the host of ABC's Downfall. Finally, a real celebrity/wrestler.
PC: Jericho in control early, keeping Evan Bourne on the ground. Bourne gets a few flurries in, but Jericho cuts him off early each time. Fun stuff. Bourne kicks out of the Codebreaker. Weird.
Coach: Ummm...
PC: Are they really giving Matt Sydal a sustained push? Weird. My head is spinning. Never did I dream that the skinny guy trading rana's with Delirious in a highschool gym in Indiana would be crushing Chris Jericho with a Shooting Star Press on Raw to a big ovation.
Coach: Here comes Cena. Jorts and all.
PC: John Cena calls the WWE ring sacred ground. This NXT thing is becoming a holy war.
Coach: The Gaza Strip has nothing on Raw.
PC: NXT guys come back out of the crowd. Lawler hops into the ring along with several other members of the Raw locker room. Wild brawl ensues. NXT guys end up retreating back through the crowd with several mid-carders in pursuit.
Coach: For the second week in a row, we accidentally fast forward through the Divas match. Whoops.
Big Show & Royal Pains Guy vs. Ted DiBiase Jr. & Virgil
PC: Big Show calls the Royal Pains guy his best friend. Really? Did they grow up together? Were they in the same fraternity? Frequent the same dive bar? Big Show, shockingly, uses his size to his advantage in the early going.
Coach: Teddy tags in Virgil. Finally, he real match can start.
PC: Big Show lifts the "Wrestling Superstar" by his head into the ring. The Royal Pains guy does The Worm. I guess he hasn't really followed Raw since abut 2001 or so. Nevertheless, he pins Virgil and gets the win. In protest, DiBiase shoves a 100 dollar bill into Virgil's mouth. Then he comes back and takes it away. Okay then. Here's what that reminds me of:
http://imagechan.com/images/bde0ed71769d401c37f3d793c379ecf4.jpg
Santino Marela vs. William Regal
PC: Special guest referee for the match will be Vladimir Kozlov.
Coach: I smell a conflict of interest. That should be added to the list of things that every good referee should have.
PC: Regal works over Santino's arm. Then Santino wins with a roll-up and a handful of tights. Regal starts to complain and here comes Bret Hart to settle the dispute.
Coach: Bret Hart asks the whole roster to come out onto the stage. This is a good reminder that Goldust is still collecting a WWE paycheck.
Edge & Sheamus vs. Randy Orton & John Cena
PC: Orton has a fresh shave and looks ESPECIALLY like Joran van der Sloot tonight.
Coach: Direct Quote: "John Cena is John Cena. That's the X factor. He's John Cena." I think he was referring to Sheamus.
PC: Sheamus and Cena start it out.
Coach: The Cena lovers will always outweigh the Cena haters. Kids of Cena and their high pitched pre-pubescent voices can easily drown out the drunken shouts of the 18-35 year old males.
PC: Pretty standard match for a Raw main event so far. Not that Coach would know. He's deep in hospice land at this point.
Coach: I just found two different hospices that use the exact same picture on the main page of their respective websites.
PC: Back from the break and Cena is on fire. Edge cuts him off and he and Sheamus beat up on Cena. Cena is really good in this role as the crowd loves every one of his mini-comebacks. Literally every time Cena does anything, the kids in the crowd freak out.
Coach: Ummm, you're doing the same thing.
PC: Shut up Coach. You would do the same for the Ravens if they were making a comeback against Edge and Sheamus.
Coach: I would pay so much money to go to that game.
PC: Oh yeah, Orton's in this match. He cleans house and hits the rope-assisted DDT on Sheamus. No look RKO on Edge! Sheamus cuts him off with an axe handle and a backbreaker. Tag to Edge and we get our second extended heat segment of the match. Cena tags in.
Coach: Uh oh. Oh no. The NXT guys are tearing apart the locker room and beating up Bret Hart. The oooooooold Die Hard with a Vengeance ploy.
PC: They shove Bret Hart into the back seat of a limo and then slam it into all sorts of stuff in the parking lot. wade Barrett says some Wade Barrett stuff and we end the show.
Final Thoughts
Coach: I'm just disappointed that we both have work tomorrow and will miss the Fatal 4way.
PC: Good Raw tonight (well, last Monday). NXT stuff, four way, and main event were all solid. Back in a few days with more reviews.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Chris Benoit vs. Steve Austin 5/28/2001
PC: I remember this match. One of my favorites ever on free TV. This was actually during my favorite two week span of wrestling ever. After Wrestlemania 17, The Rock left to go make movies. With Steve Austin turning heel, that left the WWE with no established top faces to go after the title. The solution? Elevate Chris Jericho and Chris Benoit. It started with them winning the tag titles and then going into a match with Steve Austin & Triple H. This is the famous match where Triple H tore his quad and limped through the finish. Coach, you may know it from the “Don’t try this at home” video on every show.
Coach: Ah, interesting. There’s my Fact of the Day.
PC: Then, on Smackdown, Austin used his influence to force Benoit & Jericho to defend the belts in a TLC match against the Dudleyz, the Hardyz (yes, they both used “Z” as a plural), and Edge & Christian. Another great match that has a ton of highlight reel moments. Then, the next week on Raw, Jericho got a shot at Austin’s title and they had ANOTHER great match. When Smackdown rolled around, it was Benoit’s turn to go after Austin’s title. In Edmonton, his hometown. I wonder if Benoit would deliver…
Coach: So basically, this is like watching Lost, beginning in Season 4.
PC: Picking up Pro Wrestling at this time would be like watching Lost beginning in Season 40. Let’s do this!
Coach: Oh no. Vince McMahon makes his entrance in a ref shirt with cut-off sleeves.
PC: Vince is pretty much the Smoke Monster except more evil. He announces that he will be the “special enforcer” for the match tonight. Austin comes out and the Canadian crowd hates him, as they always have. This one the one week where Austin’s heel turn REALLY worked.
Coach: If Vince had sleeves, would that negate his role as Special Enforcer?
PC: Benoit in control to start with chops, shoulderblocks, and stomps. Austin gets the advantage back and works Benoit’s injured ribs to the tune of a deafening “Austin sucks” chant. Benoit goes for an early crossface but Austin makes the ropes. Another crossface but Austin makes the ropes. ANOTHER crossface and Austin again makes the ropes. AGAIN! Austin struggles more this time but finally makes the ropes.
Coach: One more?? No.
PC: Benoit goes to the outside and throws Benoit across the announce table. Austin bumps huge on the outside for everything Benoit does. Austin goes back to the ribs and grabs the belt, looking for the intentional DQ. Ref goes down in the struggle and Benoit hits several chops. DDT on the title!
Coach: This could be it! History! Best “something” of all time!
PC: Benoit goes for the Diving Headbutt but Austin gets the title up. Austin with the cover, but Benoit with the emphatic kick out at two. Another cover, another two. Austin with punches and another cover with the same result.
Coach: This crowd is awesome.
PC: Austin with a sharpshooter on Benoit!
Coach: Oooh, I know about this! That’s a Bret Hart move. In Canada no less.
PC: Benoit powers out into a Sharpshooter of his own.
Coach: Vince has yet to enforce anything.
PC: Austin powers out and goes into yet another Sharpshooter. Benoit makes the ropes, but Austin pulls him back into the middle of the ring for another Sharpshooter. Benoit counters AGAIN and we get another Sharpshooter.
Coach: I hope the rest of the match is all Sharpshooters.
PC: Both guys struggle to their feet. Benoit goes for a German Suplex but Austin hangs onto the ropes and nails him with a low blow. Austin goes to the top for some reason but Benoit cuts him off and nails him with punches. Benoit hits an especially reckless superplex. Austin kicks out.
Coach: Michael Cole is making history tonight. He has said the words “new champion” on a once-every-two-seconds clip.
PC: Back on the outside, Austin dumps Benoit rib first across the announce table. Ouch. Austin drops Benoit again, but this time Benoit lands on the top of his head after his ribs bounce off the corner of the announce table. That one hurt me just sitting here.
Coach: Let’s see a UFC fighter do that.
PC: Austin tosses Benoit into the ring steps a couple times before throwing him back into the ring. Another “Austin Sucks” chant as Austin punishes Benoit’s ribs. Austin mocks Benoit with the belt. Man, Austin rocked as a bad guy.
Coach: Cole puts Austin’s thoughts into elegant words. I’m not sure Austin knows half of those words.
PC: Benoit with a come back that is cut off by an Austin spinebuster. Austin goes for the Walls of Jericho and the crowd fucking HATES Austin. Benoit makes the ropes. Austin further beats on Benoit but Benoit gains momentum. Benoit counters a Stone Cold Stunner and hits three German Suplexes. Make that 4.
Coach: Fuck hat tricks. Benoit likes to do things in fours.
PC: Five! Six!
Coach: Correction. He likes to do things in sixes.
PC: Seven! Eight! Nine!
Coach: A Hat Trick of a Hat Trick! A Hate Trick, perhaps.
PC: Ten! Benoit with the Crossface. Vince comes into the ring and knocks out the ref. He swings the chair at Benoit but Benoit meets him with a low blow. Benoit beats Vince with the chair but Austin rolls him up from behind, uses the tights for leverage, and gets the shady win.
Final Thoughts
PC: As good as I remembered. Might have to download that entire month of main events. Too bad it took them three more years to finally put the title on Benoit. And too bad Benoit, ya know, killed his family.
Coach: Ten suplexes, six crossfaces, what felt like forty sharpshooters. That’s a match I can get behind.
Coach: Ah, interesting. There’s my Fact of the Day.
PC: Then, on Smackdown, Austin used his influence to force Benoit & Jericho to defend the belts in a TLC match against the Dudleyz, the Hardyz (yes, they both used “Z” as a plural), and Edge & Christian. Another great match that has a ton of highlight reel moments. Then, the next week on Raw, Jericho got a shot at Austin’s title and they had ANOTHER great match. When Smackdown rolled around, it was Benoit’s turn to go after Austin’s title. In Edmonton, his hometown. I wonder if Benoit would deliver…
Coach: So basically, this is like watching Lost, beginning in Season 4.
PC: Picking up Pro Wrestling at this time would be like watching Lost beginning in Season 40. Let’s do this!
Coach: Oh no. Vince McMahon makes his entrance in a ref shirt with cut-off sleeves.
PC: Vince is pretty much the Smoke Monster except more evil. He announces that he will be the “special enforcer” for the match tonight. Austin comes out and the Canadian crowd hates him, as they always have. This one the one week where Austin’s heel turn REALLY worked.
Coach: If Vince had sleeves, would that negate his role as Special Enforcer?
PC: Benoit in control to start with chops, shoulderblocks, and stomps. Austin gets the advantage back and works Benoit’s injured ribs to the tune of a deafening “Austin sucks” chant. Benoit goes for an early crossface but Austin makes the ropes. Another crossface but Austin makes the ropes. ANOTHER crossface and Austin again makes the ropes. AGAIN! Austin struggles more this time but finally makes the ropes.
Coach: One more?? No.
PC: Benoit goes to the outside and throws Benoit across the announce table. Austin bumps huge on the outside for everything Benoit does. Austin goes back to the ribs and grabs the belt, looking for the intentional DQ. Ref goes down in the struggle and Benoit hits several chops. DDT on the title!
Coach: This could be it! History! Best “something” of all time!
PC: Benoit goes for the Diving Headbutt but Austin gets the title up. Austin with the cover, but Benoit with the emphatic kick out at two. Another cover, another two. Austin with punches and another cover with the same result.
Coach: This crowd is awesome.
PC: Austin with a sharpshooter on Benoit!
Coach: Oooh, I know about this! That’s a Bret Hart move. In Canada no less.
PC: Benoit powers out into a Sharpshooter of his own.
Coach: Vince has yet to enforce anything.
PC: Austin powers out and goes into yet another Sharpshooter. Benoit makes the ropes, but Austin pulls him back into the middle of the ring for another Sharpshooter. Benoit counters AGAIN and we get another Sharpshooter.
Coach: I hope the rest of the match is all Sharpshooters.
PC: Both guys struggle to their feet. Benoit goes for a German Suplex but Austin hangs onto the ropes and nails him with a low blow. Austin goes to the top for some reason but Benoit cuts him off and nails him with punches. Benoit hits an especially reckless superplex. Austin kicks out.
Coach: Michael Cole is making history tonight. He has said the words “new champion” on a once-every-two-seconds clip.
PC: Back on the outside, Austin dumps Benoit rib first across the announce table. Ouch. Austin drops Benoit again, but this time Benoit lands on the top of his head after his ribs bounce off the corner of the announce table. That one hurt me just sitting here.
Coach: Let’s see a UFC fighter do that.
PC: Austin tosses Benoit into the ring steps a couple times before throwing him back into the ring. Another “Austin Sucks” chant as Austin punishes Benoit’s ribs. Austin mocks Benoit with the belt. Man, Austin rocked as a bad guy.
Coach: Cole puts Austin’s thoughts into elegant words. I’m not sure Austin knows half of those words.
PC: Benoit with a come back that is cut off by an Austin spinebuster. Austin goes for the Walls of Jericho and the crowd fucking HATES Austin. Benoit makes the ropes. Austin further beats on Benoit but Benoit gains momentum. Benoit counters a Stone Cold Stunner and hits three German Suplexes. Make that 4.
Coach: Fuck hat tricks. Benoit likes to do things in fours.
PC: Five! Six!
Coach: Correction. He likes to do things in sixes.
PC: Seven! Eight! Nine!
Coach: A Hat Trick of a Hat Trick! A Hate Trick, perhaps.
PC: Ten! Benoit with the Crossface. Vince comes into the ring and knocks out the ref. He swings the chair at Benoit but Benoit meets him with a low blow. Benoit beats Vince with the chair but Austin rolls him up from behind, uses the tights for leverage, and gets the shady win.
Final Thoughts
PC: As good as I remembered. Might have to download that entire month of main events. Too bad it took them three more years to finally put the title on Benoit. And too bad Benoit, ya know, killed his family.
Coach: Ten suplexes, six crossfaces, what felt like forty sharpshooters. That’s a match I can get behind.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Jushin "Thunder" Liger vs. Naoki Sano 1/31/90
PC: Lazy afternoon. Some sour cream and onion chips. A little Japanese Junior Heavyweight wrestling. Welcome to The Summer of Awesome.
Coach: It’s pretty obvious, in my mind, that Jushin “Thunder” Liger is going to win this because he is going to call his palls Blue, Yellow, Pink, and Black “Thunder” Liger and they are going to combine forces into a giant dinosaur creature and stomp this guy out.
PC: Wrong fictional character, but that’s okay. After the introductions, they approach the center OH SHIT! LIGER JUST SLAPPED THE SHIT OUT OF SANO!
Coach: I have mad respect for his mad disrespect.
PC: Liger with a flurry of Shotays on a dazed Sano. Liger dominates early with a leg lariat and a dive off the apron. Sano counters by roughly throwing Liger around the ring by the neck.
Coach: Have I seen Sano before?
PC: No. He was the king of Japanese Junior Heavyweights for a very brief time right before Liger. Then he made some questionable career decisions and just hasn't been remembered in the same way as Liger.
Coach: Sano tries to tear off Liger’s mask and we have more mad disrespect.
PC: Sano continues to throw Liger around and go after the mask.
Coach: How does Liger breath with that mask on? Or perhaps the question should be, is he able to breath WITHOUT the mask?
PC: Sano has Liger down. He delivers a big leg drop to the back of Liger’s match. Reminds me of the time that Bob legdropped Todd on the beach in Ft. Lauderdale and led to Todd puking in front of all those girls.
Coach: These two really hate each other. Were they perhaps part of a tag team in the past?
PC: Actually they weren’t.
Coach: Wow. So it’s just good old-fashion irrational hate.
PC: Sano, still firmly in control, sets Liger on the top rope. Big superplex by Sano but only gets two. Liger’s mask is almost completely removed at this point. We now see for the first time that Liger is bleeding heavily.
Coach: Almost like the mask was literally part of his skin.
PC: Sano with a nice Yakuza kick followed up by a Boston Crab. Liger makes the ropes, but Sano only rewards him with a stomp to the back of the neck. Sano with a suplex but only two. I’ve never seen Liger get the shit kicked out of him like this.
Coach: Mask is completely off now. Maybe Liger will be able to see his opponent and get some offense in.
PC: Liger finally gains momentum after hitting a headscissors and an out of control Tope con Hilo to the outside that lands him in the second row. Liger with a backbreaker followed up by a Mexican Surfboard. Sano counters out by going to the eyes.
Coach: I’ve been to Mexico and I can assure you that said move in no way resembles the surfboards there.
PC: Sano drops several knees directly onto Liger’s head wound. Sano with a Perfectplex and German suplex, both for two.
Coach: I’m getting worried that the other Thunder Ligers aren’t going to make an appearance. I’m still holding out hope that he will jump into a mechanical dinosaur by the end of the match though.
PC: Sano with another Boston Crab but Liger again makes the ropes. Sano has had enough. He picks up Liger and drops him directly on his head with a Dragon Suplex. He STILL only gets two. Liger counters an Irish Whip and hits a clothesline. Sano cuts off the comeback with a clothesline and corner dropkick.
Coach: I am currently reading Shogun and there hasn’t been a single wrestling scene. I thought you said it was big there.
PC: Sano nails Liger right under the chin with a spin kick. Liger’s comeback is cut off AGAIN and Sano nails him with a plancha to the outside.
Coach: They sorely need a double haymaker scene like in Rocky II. Good plot twist for any match.
PC: Liger counters another superplex by landing on top of Sano. Sano rana’s out of a Ligerbomb attempt. Sano hits a Tiger Suplex but Liger gets his foot on the ropes.
Coach: Just like his mask, Liger is hanging in there.
PC: Liger with a high angle German Suplex for two. Crowd has been nuts the whole match, but they’ve gone into an extra gear now. Great sequence as Sano flips out of a backdrop attempt and goes for a rana but is hit with a Ligerbomb instead. After the two count, Liger hits a tombstone and a Shooting Star Press FOR THE WIN!
Final Thoughts
PC: Epic match. The IWGP Junior Heavyweight Title has always been one of the storied championships in professional wrestling. To say that this is one of the best matches to ever be contested over said title is in no way a stretch. Liger is fucking awesome.
Coach: Agreed. He started off with slapping the dude in the face and then held on for the win. I’m officially adding Liger to my “If I have to watch wrestling, let’s watch these guys” list.
Coach: It’s pretty obvious, in my mind, that Jushin “Thunder” Liger is going to win this because he is going to call his palls Blue, Yellow, Pink, and Black “Thunder” Liger and they are going to combine forces into a giant dinosaur creature and stomp this guy out.
PC: Wrong fictional character, but that’s okay. After the introductions, they approach the center OH SHIT! LIGER JUST SLAPPED THE SHIT OUT OF SANO!
Coach: I have mad respect for his mad disrespect.
PC: Liger with a flurry of Shotays on a dazed Sano. Liger dominates early with a leg lariat and a dive off the apron. Sano counters by roughly throwing Liger around the ring by the neck.
Coach: Have I seen Sano before?
PC: No. He was the king of Japanese Junior Heavyweights for a very brief time right before Liger. Then he made some questionable career decisions and just hasn't been remembered in the same way as Liger.
Coach: Sano tries to tear off Liger’s mask and we have more mad disrespect.
PC: Sano continues to throw Liger around and go after the mask.
Coach: How does Liger breath with that mask on? Or perhaps the question should be, is he able to breath WITHOUT the mask?
PC: Sano has Liger down. He delivers a big leg drop to the back of Liger’s match. Reminds me of the time that Bob legdropped Todd on the beach in Ft. Lauderdale and led to Todd puking in front of all those girls.
Coach: These two really hate each other. Were they perhaps part of a tag team in the past?
PC: Actually they weren’t.
Coach: Wow. So it’s just good old-fashion irrational hate.
PC: Sano, still firmly in control, sets Liger on the top rope. Big superplex by Sano but only gets two. Liger’s mask is almost completely removed at this point. We now see for the first time that Liger is bleeding heavily.
Coach: Almost like the mask was literally part of his skin.
PC: Sano with a nice Yakuza kick followed up by a Boston Crab. Liger makes the ropes, but Sano only rewards him with a stomp to the back of the neck. Sano with a suplex but only two. I’ve never seen Liger get the shit kicked out of him like this.
Coach: Mask is completely off now. Maybe Liger will be able to see his opponent and get some offense in.
PC: Liger finally gains momentum after hitting a headscissors and an out of control Tope con Hilo to the outside that lands him in the second row. Liger with a backbreaker followed up by a Mexican Surfboard. Sano counters out by going to the eyes.
Coach: I’ve been to Mexico and I can assure you that said move in no way resembles the surfboards there.
PC: Sano drops several knees directly onto Liger’s head wound. Sano with a Perfectplex and German suplex, both for two.
Coach: I’m getting worried that the other Thunder Ligers aren’t going to make an appearance. I’m still holding out hope that he will jump into a mechanical dinosaur by the end of the match though.
PC: Sano with another Boston Crab but Liger again makes the ropes. Sano has had enough. He picks up Liger and drops him directly on his head with a Dragon Suplex. He STILL only gets two. Liger counters an Irish Whip and hits a clothesline. Sano cuts off the comeback with a clothesline and corner dropkick.
Coach: I am currently reading Shogun and there hasn’t been a single wrestling scene. I thought you said it was big there.
PC: Sano nails Liger right under the chin with a spin kick. Liger’s comeback is cut off AGAIN and Sano nails him with a plancha to the outside.
Coach: They sorely need a double haymaker scene like in Rocky II. Good plot twist for any match.
PC: Liger counters another superplex by landing on top of Sano. Sano rana’s out of a Ligerbomb attempt. Sano hits a Tiger Suplex but Liger gets his foot on the ropes.
Coach: Just like his mask, Liger is hanging in there.
PC: Liger with a high angle German Suplex for two. Crowd has been nuts the whole match, but they’ve gone into an extra gear now. Great sequence as Sano flips out of a backdrop attempt and goes for a rana but is hit with a Ligerbomb instead. After the two count, Liger hits a tombstone and a Shooting Star Press FOR THE WIN!
Final Thoughts
PC: Epic match. The IWGP Junior Heavyweight Title has always been one of the storied championships in professional wrestling. To say that this is one of the best matches to ever be contested over said title is in no way a stretch. Liger is fucking awesome.
Coach: Agreed. He started off with slapping the dude in the face and then held on for the win. I’m officially adding Liger to my “If I have to watch wrestling, let’s watch these guys” list.
Friday, June 11, 2010
WWE RAW 6/7/10
PC: I know what you're thinking. "Wait a minute. I thought Raw was on Monday nights. It is currently Friday morning. I am confused." Well Coach, we have DVR now. Anything is possible.
Coach: Time has been rendered meaningless.
PC: A screech of guitars signals Bret Hart's entrance and we are off in running.
Coach: Is that Nelson Mandela with him. "It is time for Mandiba to host Monday Night Raw."
PC: That's Teddy Long, the Smackdown GM. Who looks nothing like Mandela.
Coach: Sorry, South Africa on the mind. Just saw a sign for The Rock. I hope that guy voted for him in the Viewer's Choice poll. I know what I voted for: A three-way dance between Owen Hart, Eddie Guerrero, and Chris Benoit.
PC: All the headliners from Fatal 4Way will compete today. And Orton's crappy music interrupts that train of thought.
Coach: Orton has come here to chew bubble gum, close his eyes, and tilt his head. And he's all out of bubble gum...
PC: Orton demands a match with Edge. Orton has a real Joran van der Sloot vibe about him tonight.
Coach: Mandela is trying to broker a peace between the warring factions. If I knew this guy was on Smackdown, I would have acknowledged its existence long ago.
PC: One-armed match between Edge and Orton later. First match will be Big Show vs. Jericho. Fans can go on the web and vote for what kind of match it will be.
Coach: Can the fans vote on the winner?
PC: In the spirit of "Everything in wrestling is fake," there is no way any of these polls will be legitimate. This is like voting on interest rates on a loan shark's website.
Coach: Matt Striker in the house tonight. That reminds me of NXT. Did you vote for Daniel Bryan vs. Kaval tonight?
Big Show vs. Chris Jericho
PC: This match will be a body slam challenge. Big Show loves it. He opens himself up for Jericho to give it a try, but Jericho slaps him in the face. Show takes over and they are kinda wrestling a regular match. Jericho gains some momentum by working over the arm with kicks and punches.
Coach: I wonder what Japanese people say when they watch American wrestling. To answer my own question, I bet it is, "More chops please."
PC: Jericho comes off the time but Show catches him and hits the bodyslam for the win. Show then hits a really lazy chinlock/camel clutch to win the hypothetical submission match. Then he throws Jericho over the top rope to win that challenge too.
Coach: Big Show doesn't seem to understand the concept of Multiple Choice. Must come from his menu reading.
Hart Dynasty vs. Great Khali & Hornswaggle
PC: Given the Hart family's history, I'm not sure I would put them in the ring with a guy who once killed a trainee with a powerbomb.
Coach: You know what Khali had for breakfast this morning?
PC: What?
Coach: A barrel.
PC: A barrel of what?
Coach: A barrel of wood.
PC: In the time it took to type that, this match happened. Hornswaggle misses a tadpole splash and Kidd gets the pin. The other teams storm the ring but the Harts come out on top.
Coach: Smackdown recap. Undertaker was found in a vegetative state over the weekend. I guess he borrowed Eddie Guerrero's toothbrush.
PC: Ouch. Kane is looking for the culprit. Kane screams about Vengeance. And cries. Weird.
Coach: Now THAT'S a eulogy. And notice that the coffin was empty. Undertaker is the smoke monster!
PC: Here comes the A-Team! Well, the lower 3/4 anyway. Actually, just Bradley Cooper. Hmmm.
Coach: Lawler is on the hate path! He explains to Wikkis and Rampage Jackson that his crown is missing.
PC: No South African accent tonight for Wikkis. Apparently the A-Team is here tonight, not the actors playing them. Now that's getting into the wrestling spirit.
Santino Marella vs. Vladimir Kozlov
Coach: I love how the WWE is like, "Please hate Santino." And the WWE Universe is like, "No."
PC: Dance-off wins in a landslide. Santino gives us a graceful floor exercise with a bit of the Carlton Dance mixed in for good measure. He finishes up with something that was either supposed to resemble a swan or a cobra.
Coach: Kozlov gives us his thoughts. I'm pretty sure it was something about Afghanistan in the 80's.
PC: Kozlov does an impressive Russian Robot. For the win! They dance together and Santino thinks that he has finally found his tag team partner. Kozlov instead hits Santino with a spinebuster.
Coach: Fun little segment. Divas up next and our fast forward button seems to be broken. Oh no, we missed it!
PC: Backstage, Kane accuses Sheamus of taking out The Undertaker. Sheamus bristles at the false accusation. He's a real Joran McSloot.
Sheamus vs. Kane
Coach: Uh oh. Sheamus looks like he's seconds away from confessing that he was having sex with the Undertaker on the beach when he went into a seizure.
PC: Leave the van der Sloot jokes to me, Coach. There's plenty of bad hair styles for you. Kane dominates in the early going. Kane goes to the top but Sheamus counters with a slam. Back from the break and Sheamus is still in charge. That is until Kane hits a big boot. Sheamus counters out of a chokeslam and hits a backbreaker.
Coach: I wonder where Undertaker really is. Sipping tea by the fire and watching this match, of course. I guess "The Undertaker is dead" is more believable than "The Undertaker threw his shoulder out."
PC: After being thrown out of the ring, Sheamus willingly gets himself counted out.
Coach: Back from break and we get a look back at marble-mouth Wade Barrett winning NXT.
PC: Million Dollar Kid backstage with Virgil. The A-Team ask them about Lawler's crown. We get a faceoff between Rampage Jackson and Virgil. IRS breaks that up. IRS(!) explains that Lawler didn't pay his taxes. Then the A-Team gets attacked by tear gas.
R-Truth & John Morrison vs. The Miz & Zack Ryder
Coach: WHAT'S UP!
PC: WHAT'S UP!
Coach: It's tough for R-Truth to rap and dance at the same time.
PC: That's because he's a rapper/wrestler/dancer, not a rapper/dancer/wrestler.
Coach: I want to see an R-Truth hosted talk show host titled "Moment of Truth." That would make him a rapper/wrestler/talk show host/dancer. Or something.
PC: When is your birthday. I wen to invent an R-Truth alarm clock, sell the patent to WWE, then buy it for you. WAKE UP!
Coach: You know, I've had some time to think about this. Would R-Truth's talk show be called Moment of Truth or simply WHAT'S UP?
PC: The possibilities are endless. Team Douche is winning so far. Hot tag to Morrison and we have a competitive little match all the sudden. Miz hits his full nelson facebuster thing for the win.
Coach: Kane accuses Bret Hart of taking out the Undertaker. Says they have history together.
PC: I can assure you that they don't.
Coach: If Bret Hart did it, it would be in the news. "Old Man Hits Another Old Man with a Steel Chair Sixteen Times. Both Bite Dog."
Edge vs. Randy Orton in a One-Armed Challenge
Coach: The article of clothing of choice of WWE Wrestlers seems to be the t-shirt. Specifically, their own t-shirts. This is the development in modern wrestling that I like the least. They need more tasseled tuxedo jackets covered in glitter.
PC: I've changed my mind about getting you the R-Truth Alarm Clock. I think the Randy Orton music would be far more effective.
Coach: The only problem is that it only goes off at Hate O'Clock.
PC: Orton strikes first with a clothesline and some stomps. Orton goes for the RKO but Edge counters. Edge frees up his arm and gets DQ'd in the process. Edge lines up for the spear...
Coach: Orton's about to go on vacation.
PC: Orton counters with a kick. He throws Edge out of the ring. Orton follows him outside but Edge slams his shoulder with a steel chair. And again! King and Cole then recap the Diva Battle Royale in a very somber tone.
Coach: "This is a shocking and tragic occurrence. Just like Maryse betraying her partner to win the lingerie match."
PC: Back from break and Gene Okerlund(!!!) is interviewing Wikkis. Or is it Murdoch? Or is is Sharlto Copley? This is like a David Lynch movie all the sudden. I'm just waiting for Okerlund to tell Wikkis to find the blue box.
Drew Mcyntire vs. Matt Hardy
PC: Drew bitches about how Hardy is supposed to be suspended. Teddy Long explains that Hardy is only suspended from Smackdown. And this is Raw. So let's do it!
Coach: I am not interested in all this Smackdown drama. Smackdown, I don't bother you on Friday Night, don't bother me on Monday Night.
PC: Hardy goes right at Drew. Hardy hits a twist of fate for the win. He continues to beat on Drew after the bell and even pulls out some of his hair.
Coach: Rampage Jackson is handcuffed to a chair by DiBiase and his crew. David Lynch movie, indeed.
PC: In the ring now with DiBiase and his crew. And here comes Roddy Piper. I suppose he is looking for revenge from their Wrestlemania I and II encounters with the old B.A. Barakkus. Piper hates the A-Team. This is some Lost Highway shit right here. A golf cart to the rescue filled with Wikkis, Gene Okerlund, and, I shit you not, Dusty Rhodes. Dusty being here is the equivalent of Dean Stockwell singing In Dreams into a lightbulb halfway through Blue Velvet. They take out Money, Inc and we go to break.
John Cena vs. CM Punk
Coach: I have a thought. John Cena biopic starring Ben Foster.
PC: Ben Foster isn't big enough to pull off Evan Bourne, let alone Cena.
Coach: My stance on CM Punk is well known. You love him, so I don't make fun of him. The Daniel Bryan rule, as I call it.
PC: Coach, just let me know if you ever want to watch CM Punk wrestle a 93 minute match. Because I own one.
Coach: I do dig Punk's chest hair. Not the hair itself, but the bold move to not go for the wax before the match.
PC: Good chain wrestling to start as they trade headlocks in response to the crowd's "You Can't Wrestle" chant. I can only assume that was aimed at Cena.
Coach: How an you not like Cena? Unless you're anti-jorts I guess.
PC: Back from the break and Cena is going for the Attitude Adjustment. Punk fights out and tosses Cena to the outside. Cena gets the upper hand with a series of shoulder tackles.
Coach: A chorus of boos rings out as Wade Barrett comes toward the ring.
PC: The entire NXT roster comes out and attacks the Straight Edge Society. Now the rookies surround Cena. 8 on 1 beatdown. Then the kids attack Striker and Lawler. Skip Sheffield topples the announce table. First time I've ever seen that, actually. The NXT kids destroy the entire ringside area. And the ring itself.
Coach: This is kinda weird to watch without announcers.
PC: Reminds me of old Revolution Pro tapes. Right down to the shitty beat up ring and Bryan Danielson. Speaking of the American Dragon, he spits in Cena's face and then lays in a big kick. Beatdown continues. Finally the rookies leave through a side exit. Ring is a total mess. Cena being strapped to a stretcher. Great visual to end the show. Looks like the end of Rollerball.
Final Thoughts
Coach: Really weird surreal ending. Are we sure David Lynch wasn't the real guest host of Raw?
PC: I want the next WWE Films movie to be "Trouble in Paradise: The Joran van der Sloot Story" starring Randy Orton and directed by David Lynch.
Coach: Time has been rendered meaningless.
PC: A screech of guitars signals Bret Hart's entrance and we are off in running.
Coach: Is that Nelson Mandela with him. "It is time for Mandiba to host Monday Night Raw."
PC: That's Teddy Long, the Smackdown GM. Who looks nothing like Mandela.
Coach: Sorry, South Africa on the mind. Just saw a sign for The Rock. I hope that guy voted for him in the Viewer's Choice poll. I know what I voted for: A three-way dance between Owen Hart, Eddie Guerrero, and Chris Benoit.
PC: All the headliners from Fatal 4Way will compete today. And Orton's crappy music interrupts that train of thought.
Coach: Orton has come here to chew bubble gum, close his eyes, and tilt his head. And he's all out of bubble gum...
PC: Orton demands a match with Edge. Orton has a real Joran van der Sloot vibe about him tonight.
Coach: Mandela is trying to broker a peace between the warring factions. If I knew this guy was on Smackdown, I would have acknowledged its existence long ago.
PC: One-armed match between Edge and Orton later. First match will be Big Show vs. Jericho. Fans can go on the web and vote for what kind of match it will be.
Coach: Can the fans vote on the winner?
PC: In the spirit of "Everything in wrestling is fake," there is no way any of these polls will be legitimate. This is like voting on interest rates on a loan shark's website.
Coach: Matt Striker in the house tonight. That reminds me of NXT. Did you vote for Daniel Bryan vs. Kaval tonight?
Big Show vs. Chris Jericho
PC: This match will be a body slam challenge. Big Show loves it. He opens himself up for Jericho to give it a try, but Jericho slaps him in the face. Show takes over and they are kinda wrestling a regular match. Jericho gains some momentum by working over the arm with kicks and punches.
Coach: I wonder what Japanese people say when they watch American wrestling. To answer my own question, I bet it is, "More chops please."
PC: Jericho comes off the time but Show catches him and hits the bodyslam for the win. Show then hits a really lazy chinlock/camel clutch to win the hypothetical submission match. Then he throws Jericho over the top rope to win that challenge too.
Coach: Big Show doesn't seem to understand the concept of Multiple Choice. Must come from his menu reading.
Hart Dynasty vs. Great Khali & Hornswaggle
PC: Given the Hart family's history, I'm not sure I would put them in the ring with a guy who once killed a trainee with a powerbomb.
Coach: You know what Khali had for breakfast this morning?
PC: What?
Coach: A barrel.
PC: A barrel of what?
Coach: A barrel of wood.
PC: In the time it took to type that, this match happened. Hornswaggle misses a tadpole splash and Kidd gets the pin. The other teams storm the ring but the Harts come out on top.
Coach: Smackdown recap. Undertaker was found in a vegetative state over the weekend. I guess he borrowed Eddie Guerrero's toothbrush.
PC: Ouch. Kane is looking for the culprit. Kane screams about Vengeance. And cries. Weird.
Coach: Now THAT'S a eulogy. And notice that the coffin was empty. Undertaker is the smoke monster!
PC: Here comes the A-Team! Well, the lower 3/4 anyway. Actually, just Bradley Cooper. Hmmm.
Coach: Lawler is on the hate path! He explains to Wikkis and Rampage Jackson that his crown is missing.
PC: No South African accent tonight for Wikkis. Apparently the A-Team is here tonight, not the actors playing them. Now that's getting into the wrestling spirit.
Santino Marella vs. Vladimir Kozlov
Coach: I love how the WWE is like, "Please hate Santino." And the WWE Universe is like, "No."
PC: Dance-off wins in a landslide. Santino gives us a graceful floor exercise with a bit of the Carlton Dance mixed in for good measure. He finishes up with something that was either supposed to resemble a swan or a cobra.
Coach: Kozlov gives us his thoughts. I'm pretty sure it was something about Afghanistan in the 80's.
PC: Kozlov does an impressive Russian Robot. For the win! They dance together and Santino thinks that he has finally found his tag team partner. Kozlov instead hits Santino with a spinebuster.
Coach: Fun little segment. Divas up next and our fast forward button seems to be broken. Oh no, we missed it!
PC: Backstage, Kane accuses Sheamus of taking out The Undertaker. Sheamus bristles at the false accusation. He's a real Joran McSloot.
Sheamus vs. Kane
Coach: Uh oh. Sheamus looks like he's seconds away from confessing that he was having sex with the Undertaker on the beach when he went into a seizure.
PC: Leave the van der Sloot jokes to me, Coach. There's plenty of bad hair styles for you. Kane dominates in the early going. Kane goes to the top but Sheamus counters with a slam. Back from the break and Sheamus is still in charge. That is until Kane hits a big boot. Sheamus counters out of a chokeslam and hits a backbreaker.
Coach: I wonder where Undertaker really is. Sipping tea by the fire and watching this match, of course. I guess "The Undertaker is dead" is more believable than "The Undertaker threw his shoulder out."
PC: After being thrown out of the ring, Sheamus willingly gets himself counted out.
Coach: Back from break and we get a look back at marble-mouth Wade Barrett winning NXT.
PC: Million Dollar Kid backstage with Virgil. The A-Team ask them about Lawler's crown. We get a faceoff between Rampage Jackson and Virgil. IRS breaks that up. IRS(!) explains that Lawler didn't pay his taxes. Then the A-Team gets attacked by tear gas.
R-Truth & John Morrison vs. The Miz & Zack Ryder
Coach: WHAT'S UP!
PC: WHAT'S UP!
Coach: It's tough for R-Truth to rap and dance at the same time.
PC: That's because he's a rapper/wrestler/dancer, not a rapper/dancer/wrestler.
Coach: I want to see an R-Truth hosted talk show host titled "Moment of Truth." That would make him a rapper/wrestler/talk show host/dancer. Or something.
PC: When is your birthday. I wen to invent an R-Truth alarm clock, sell the patent to WWE, then buy it for you. WAKE UP!
Coach: You know, I've had some time to think about this. Would R-Truth's talk show be called Moment of Truth or simply WHAT'S UP?
PC: The possibilities are endless. Team Douche is winning so far. Hot tag to Morrison and we have a competitive little match all the sudden. Miz hits his full nelson facebuster thing for the win.
Coach: Kane accuses Bret Hart of taking out the Undertaker. Says they have history together.
PC: I can assure you that they don't.
Coach: If Bret Hart did it, it would be in the news. "Old Man Hits Another Old Man with a Steel Chair Sixteen Times. Both Bite Dog."
Edge vs. Randy Orton in a One-Armed Challenge
Coach: The article of clothing of choice of WWE Wrestlers seems to be the t-shirt. Specifically, their own t-shirts. This is the development in modern wrestling that I like the least. They need more tasseled tuxedo jackets covered in glitter.
PC: I've changed my mind about getting you the R-Truth Alarm Clock. I think the Randy Orton music would be far more effective.
Coach: The only problem is that it only goes off at Hate O'Clock.
PC: Orton strikes first with a clothesline and some stomps. Orton goes for the RKO but Edge counters. Edge frees up his arm and gets DQ'd in the process. Edge lines up for the spear...
Coach: Orton's about to go on vacation.
PC: Orton counters with a kick. He throws Edge out of the ring. Orton follows him outside but Edge slams his shoulder with a steel chair. And again! King and Cole then recap the Diva Battle Royale in a very somber tone.
Coach: "This is a shocking and tragic occurrence. Just like Maryse betraying her partner to win the lingerie match."
PC: Back from break and Gene Okerlund(!!!) is interviewing Wikkis. Or is it Murdoch? Or is is Sharlto Copley? This is like a David Lynch movie all the sudden. I'm just waiting for Okerlund to tell Wikkis to find the blue box.
Drew Mcyntire vs. Matt Hardy
PC: Drew bitches about how Hardy is supposed to be suspended. Teddy Long explains that Hardy is only suspended from Smackdown. And this is Raw. So let's do it!
Coach: I am not interested in all this Smackdown drama. Smackdown, I don't bother you on Friday Night, don't bother me on Monday Night.
PC: Hardy goes right at Drew. Hardy hits a twist of fate for the win. He continues to beat on Drew after the bell and even pulls out some of his hair.
Coach: Rampage Jackson is handcuffed to a chair by DiBiase and his crew. David Lynch movie, indeed.
PC: In the ring now with DiBiase and his crew. And here comes Roddy Piper. I suppose he is looking for revenge from their Wrestlemania I and II encounters with the old B.A. Barakkus. Piper hates the A-Team. This is some Lost Highway shit right here. A golf cart to the rescue filled with Wikkis, Gene Okerlund, and, I shit you not, Dusty Rhodes. Dusty being here is the equivalent of Dean Stockwell singing In Dreams into a lightbulb halfway through Blue Velvet. They take out Money, Inc and we go to break.
John Cena vs. CM Punk
Coach: I have a thought. John Cena biopic starring Ben Foster.
PC: Ben Foster isn't big enough to pull off Evan Bourne, let alone Cena.
Coach: My stance on CM Punk is well known. You love him, so I don't make fun of him. The Daniel Bryan rule, as I call it.
PC: Coach, just let me know if you ever want to watch CM Punk wrestle a 93 minute match. Because I own one.
Coach: I do dig Punk's chest hair. Not the hair itself, but the bold move to not go for the wax before the match.
PC: Good chain wrestling to start as they trade headlocks in response to the crowd's "You Can't Wrestle" chant. I can only assume that was aimed at Cena.
Coach: How an you not like Cena? Unless you're anti-jorts I guess.
PC: Back from the break and Cena is going for the Attitude Adjustment. Punk fights out and tosses Cena to the outside. Cena gets the upper hand with a series of shoulder tackles.
Coach: A chorus of boos rings out as Wade Barrett comes toward the ring.
PC: The entire NXT roster comes out and attacks the Straight Edge Society. Now the rookies surround Cena. 8 on 1 beatdown. Then the kids attack Striker and Lawler. Skip Sheffield topples the announce table. First time I've ever seen that, actually. The NXT kids destroy the entire ringside area. And the ring itself.
Coach: This is kinda weird to watch without announcers.
PC: Reminds me of old Revolution Pro tapes. Right down to the shitty beat up ring and Bryan Danielson. Speaking of the American Dragon, he spits in Cena's face and then lays in a big kick. Beatdown continues. Finally the rookies leave through a side exit. Ring is a total mess. Cena being strapped to a stretcher. Great visual to end the show. Looks like the end of Rollerball.
Final Thoughts
Coach: Really weird surreal ending. Are we sure David Lynch wasn't the real guest host of Raw?
PC: I want the next WWE Films movie to be "Trouble in Paradise: The Joran van der Sloot Story" starring Randy Orton and directed by David Lynch.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Low Ki vs. "American Dragon" Bryan Danielson - ROH 3/30/02
PC: A battle of NXT heroes here. This happened eight years ago and it's about time these guys finally got a shot on the national scene. ROH was firmly entrenched in their "let's just throw Dream Matches out there and hope for the best" phase that dominated the early days of the company.
Coach: I don't know where these announcers are, but...wait. I do know where these announcers are: Post-Production. Yet hey still continue to call it live. And they are very, very annoying.
PC: That's Eric Gargiulo from CZW that you're so annoyed with. Believe me, I know the feeling.
Coach: They don't have the same excitement or spontaneity as a Lawler/Cole team. In a word, their commentary isn't...RAW.
PC: Ken Shamrock is our guest referee tonight. Let's get this started. We start off with some rough looking mat work.
Coach: I have a feeling someone will Tap or Snap here.
PC: All mat work, stiff but brief strikes, and wear-down holds in the early going. Story of the match built here as Danielson looks to keep Ki on the ground where he can't throw his lethal kicks. Almost like the Spurs slowing down the Suns so they can't work at their faster pace.
Coach: Man you're a dork. Almost as dorky as the fans in attendance.
PC: Yeah, that's kinda been Ring of Honor's rep. Still applies now.
Coach: This match has already gone longer than their potential NXT match. A match that will surely not acknowledge their past. "A WWE exclusive first-time meeting between Daniel Bryan and Kaval here tonight!"
PC: Both guys are on their feet and it appears that we are into the next phase of the match. Neither guy in control yet.
Coach: Funny to see basketball backboards in the background of this "epic" match.
PC: They trade painful-looking submission holds with Danielson keeping a distinct advantage.
Coach: I should hope so. He was a Submissions major in wrestling school.
PC: After a misstep by Danielson, Low Ki is able to crush him with a flurry of kicks.
Coach: The Suns are on the fast break!
PC: Danielson gets Ki back onto the mat. Ki struggles back up to his feet, but Danielson hits the first big move of the match -- a big backdrop. Danielson follows up by kicking and chopping Ki's neck.
Coach: Ki seems like a tenacious little guy. And he's really good at kicking. Not a lot of career paths for "kicking people." Not even soccer. This also applies to people whose best skill is "chopping people."
PC: Low Ki in control now via kicks. He slaps a sleeper hold onto Danielson. Danielson gets to his feet and both tumble through the ropes and out of the ring. Ki, however, still has the sleeper on. Shamrock breaks it up and we go back to the ring. Ki goes for the Ki Krusher but Danielson counters to a Dragon Suplex of his own.
Coach: Low Ki hits a crazy looking cartwheel into a jump kick. Almost made me spit out my PBR.
PC: They steal each other's submission moves. Ring of HONOR indeed...
Coach: This match is very high on the "Daniel Bryan Manliness Meter." This is the best Danielson match I've seen other than Danielson vs. Michael Cole.
PC: Low Ki goes for the springboard spin kick but Danielson counters with an awesome dropkick that knocks Ki out of mid-air. They trade big moves until Ki hits the Ki Krusher...for TWO!
Coach: This is like ten Velocity matches rolled into one.
PC: Ki goes for the Phoenix Splash but Danielson gets the knees up. Another Dragon Suplex for two. Danielson hits Ki with a Pegasus Benoit-esque top rope back drop. Only a two-count. Danielson then does the Regal-esque second cover, again for two.
Coach: Low Ki takes control again and FINALLY we get some chops.
PC: Low Ki with a top rope Ki Krusher and both guys are down. Danielson rolls out of the ring to the outside. Ki brings him back in but Danielson gets his foot on the ropes.
Coach: Danielson just hit a suplex that I never imagined was physically possible.
PC: Danielson locks on his signature submission hold, The Cattle Mutilation. Ki makes the ropes, but Danielson drags him back to the center of the ring and locks it on again. Low Ki passes out and we have a winner!
Final Thoughts
PC: Holds up well, much better than most of the stuff that was happening on the indies around that time.
Coach: Good stuff. Mark my words, these guys will someday headline Over the Limit. And maybe even Armageddon. Watch out wrestling world.
Coach: I don't know where these announcers are, but...wait. I do know where these announcers are: Post-Production. Yet hey still continue to call it live. And they are very, very annoying.
PC: That's Eric Gargiulo from CZW that you're so annoyed with. Believe me, I know the feeling.
Coach: They don't have the same excitement or spontaneity as a Lawler/Cole team. In a word, their commentary isn't...RAW.
PC: Ken Shamrock is our guest referee tonight. Let's get this started. We start off with some rough looking mat work.
Coach: I have a feeling someone will Tap or Snap here.
PC: All mat work, stiff but brief strikes, and wear-down holds in the early going. Story of the match built here as Danielson looks to keep Ki on the ground where he can't throw his lethal kicks. Almost like the Spurs slowing down the Suns so they can't work at their faster pace.
Coach: Man you're a dork. Almost as dorky as the fans in attendance.
PC: Yeah, that's kinda been Ring of Honor's rep. Still applies now.
Coach: This match has already gone longer than their potential NXT match. A match that will surely not acknowledge their past. "A WWE exclusive first-time meeting between Daniel Bryan and Kaval here tonight!"
PC: Both guys are on their feet and it appears that we are into the next phase of the match. Neither guy in control yet.
Coach: Funny to see basketball backboards in the background of this "epic" match.
PC: They trade painful-looking submission holds with Danielson keeping a distinct advantage.
Coach: I should hope so. He was a Submissions major in wrestling school.
PC: After a misstep by Danielson, Low Ki is able to crush him with a flurry of kicks.
Coach: The Suns are on the fast break!
PC: Danielson gets Ki back onto the mat. Ki struggles back up to his feet, but Danielson hits the first big move of the match -- a big backdrop. Danielson follows up by kicking and chopping Ki's neck.
Coach: Ki seems like a tenacious little guy. And he's really good at kicking. Not a lot of career paths for "kicking people." Not even soccer. This also applies to people whose best skill is "chopping people."
PC: Low Ki in control now via kicks. He slaps a sleeper hold onto Danielson. Danielson gets to his feet and both tumble through the ropes and out of the ring. Ki, however, still has the sleeper on. Shamrock breaks it up and we go back to the ring. Ki goes for the Ki Krusher but Danielson counters to a Dragon Suplex of his own.
Coach: Low Ki hits a crazy looking cartwheel into a jump kick. Almost made me spit out my PBR.
PC: They steal each other's submission moves. Ring of HONOR indeed...
Coach: This match is very high on the "Daniel Bryan Manliness Meter." This is the best Danielson match I've seen other than Danielson vs. Michael Cole.
PC: Low Ki goes for the springboard spin kick but Danielson counters with an awesome dropkick that knocks Ki out of mid-air. They trade big moves until Ki hits the Ki Krusher...for TWO!
Coach: This is like ten Velocity matches rolled into one.
PC: Ki goes for the Phoenix Splash but Danielson gets the knees up. Another Dragon Suplex for two. Danielson hits Ki with a Pegasus Benoit-esque top rope back drop. Only a two-count. Danielson then does the Regal-esque second cover, again for two.
Coach: Low Ki takes control again and FINALLY we get some chops.
PC: Low Ki with a top rope Ki Krusher and both guys are down. Danielson rolls out of the ring to the outside. Ki brings him back in but Danielson gets his foot on the ropes.
Coach: Danielson just hit a suplex that I never imagined was physically possible.
PC: Danielson locks on his signature submission hold, The Cattle Mutilation. Ki makes the ropes, but Danielson drags him back to the center of the ring and locks it on again. Low Ki passes out and we have a winner!
Final Thoughts
PC: Holds up well, much better than most of the stuff that was happening on the indies around that time.
Coach: Good stuff. Mark my words, these guys will someday headline Over the Limit. And maybe even Armageddon. Watch out wrestling world.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Brian Pillman & Jushin "Thunder" Liger vs. Chris Benoit & Beef Wellington - WCW 6/16/92
PC: Big "What if..." match here, Coach. You've got Pillman and Benoit in the same ring on national TV for one of the only times, you've got Liger tearing it up in America, you've got Junior Heavyweight wrestling getting over huge with a crowd that had never really seen the style before. Of course, all these things would be quickly squandered by WCW.
Coach: I've got another What If. What if there were a Qdoba in our neighborhood instead of a Popeye's?
PC: Oh yes, I almost forgot to mention that this match is being accompanied by a heaping helping of Popeye's Wicked Chicken. So far, it's not much different than their chicken tenders; except for the fact that it doesn't come with a dipping sauce.
Coach: Still, I've got PBR, chicken, fries, and wrestling. Let's do this.
PC: They make their entrances. I should point out that Beef Wellington is NOT the Beef Wellington that I'm tagged in a picture with on Facebook.
Coach: More wrestlers should be named after their favorite food.
PC: We start off with the kind of chain wrestling that you would expect from Chris Benoit and Jushin Liger. That is to say, it's awesome.
Coach: What's that on Benoit's ass?
PC: A Pegasus, I suspect. He was known as The Pegasus Kid in Japan.
Coach: The Pegasus has always been, to me, a much more noble mythical animal than the Unicorn. And while we're on the topic, if a winged horse had a horn would it be a Pegasus with a horn or a Unicorn with wings?
PC: Wellington and Pillman tag in now. They trade some strikes and continue to establish where each guy is dangerous. Perfect way to start off a tag match.
Coach: They also do a good job of establishing that Liger is wearing a lot of clothes (a full body suit, in fact) while Pillman is wearing next to nothing (a tiny pair of tiger-striped bottoms).
PC: Also involved is Bill Alfonso, one of wrestling's great Crooked Refs.
Coach: Crooked ref, eh? Did he ever blow a call to ruin a Perfect Game on the last out?
PC: Benoit hits Liger with some psychotic chops. They take turns throwing each other out of the ring. Then we get Pillman and Liger beating the piss out of each other. Benoit gets the advantage and goes to the top rope. Pillman recovers and hits a HUGE backdrop on Benoit from the top rope.
Coach: A strategic error there.
PC: Pillman hits a crossbody onto Benoit from the apron. It is the rain crossbody that actually looks like it hurts the guy on the receiving end.
Coach: We get a TBS logo that reminds us that we are, in fact, in the South.
PC: Liger hits a big plancha from the top to the outside and the crowd is just eating this match up.
Coach: They are eating it up in much the same way that we are eating up our Wicked Chicken.
PC: Wellington and Benoit beat up on Liger. Benoit goes for the top rope backdrop but Liger reverses. Liger throws Benoit to the outside and then hits a great Asai Moonsault.
Coach: TBS - Very Funny!
PC: Wellington misses a top rope Missile Dropkick. It's the most impressive thing he's done all match long. Benoit and Pillman trade big chops on the outside. Liger goes up to the top and hits a great looking Moonsault on Wellington for the win.
Coach: Jesse Ventura calls Liger's moonsault the gutsiest move in the history of professional wrestling. Finally, some hyperbole!
Final Thoughts
Coach: Still getting to know this Benoit fellow. I'm not sure if he's a winged Unicorn or a horned Pegasus. I am sure that he killed his family though.
PC: Good stuff. Man, WCW just never knew a good thing when they had it. By that I mean naming wrestlers after food.
Coach: I've got another What If. What if there were a Qdoba in our neighborhood instead of a Popeye's?
PC: Oh yes, I almost forgot to mention that this match is being accompanied by a heaping helping of Popeye's Wicked Chicken. So far, it's not much different than their chicken tenders; except for the fact that it doesn't come with a dipping sauce.
Coach: Still, I've got PBR, chicken, fries, and wrestling. Let's do this.
PC: They make their entrances. I should point out that Beef Wellington is NOT the Beef Wellington that I'm tagged in a picture with on Facebook.
Coach: More wrestlers should be named after their favorite food.
PC: We start off with the kind of chain wrestling that you would expect from Chris Benoit and Jushin Liger. That is to say, it's awesome.
Coach: What's that on Benoit's ass?
PC: A Pegasus, I suspect. He was known as The Pegasus Kid in Japan.
Coach: The Pegasus has always been, to me, a much more noble mythical animal than the Unicorn. And while we're on the topic, if a winged horse had a horn would it be a Pegasus with a horn or a Unicorn with wings?
PC: Wellington and Pillman tag in now. They trade some strikes and continue to establish where each guy is dangerous. Perfect way to start off a tag match.
Coach: They also do a good job of establishing that Liger is wearing a lot of clothes (a full body suit, in fact) while Pillman is wearing next to nothing (a tiny pair of tiger-striped bottoms).
PC: Also involved is Bill Alfonso, one of wrestling's great Crooked Refs.
Coach: Crooked ref, eh? Did he ever blow a call to ruin a Perfect Game on the last out?
PC: Benoit hits Liger with some psychotic chops. They take turns throwing each other out of the ring. Then we get Pillman and Liger beating the piss out of each other. Benoit gets the advantage and goes to the top rope. Pillman recovers and hits a HUGE backdrop on Benoit from the top rope.
Coach: A strategic error there.
PC: Pillman hits a crossbody onto Benoit from the apron. It is the rain crossbody that actually looks like it hurts the guy on the receiving end.
Coach: We get a TBS logo that reminds us that we are, in fact, in the South.
PC: Liger hits a big plancha from the top to the outside and the crowd is just eating this match up.
Coach: They are eating it up in much the same way that we are eating up our Wicked Chicken.
PC: Wellington and Benoit beat up on Liger. Benoit goes for the top rope backdrop but Liger reverses. Liger throws Benoit to the outside and then hits a great Asai Moonsault.
Coach: TBS - Very Funny!
PC: Wellington misses a top rope Missile Dropkick. It's the most impressive thing he's done all match long. Benoit and Pillman trade big chops on the outside. Liger goes up to the top and hits a great looking Moonsault on Wellington for the win.
Coach: Jesse Ventura calls Liger's moonsault the gutsiest move in the history of professional wrestling. Finally, some hyperbole!
Final Thoughts
Coach: Still getting to know this Benoit fellow. I'm not sure if he's a winged Unicorn or a horned Pegasus. I am sure that he killed his family though.
PC: Good stuff. Man, WCW just never knew a good thing when they had it. By that I mean naming wrestlers after food.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
John Cena vs. The Big Show - Wrestlemania XX
PC: The final match of our US Title marathon. This one comes to us from Wrestlemania XX, which I distinctly remember watching at a Hooter's in Syracuse.
Coach: I distinctly remember not watching it.
PC: Cena out first with his original theme song. Somehow it is even more irritating than his current theme song.
Coach: Cena seems to be a little more hip-hop at this point. He definitely doesn't talk like this anymore. And he doesn't say "Word Life." And he seems to have left the rhyming behind as well.
PC: Cena is wearing a Patrick Ewing Knicks jersey. I guess he doesn't care about winning in MSG.
Coach: The biggest difference between John Cena and R-Truth: Cena is a wrestler/rapper, R-Truth is a rapper/wrestler.
PC: Here comes Big Show. He has greasy hair and a thunderstache and has never looked better.
Coach: This is sort of a remix of the Hogan vs. Andre the Giant match.
PC: Show controls at the start with his lazy power offense.
Coach: This is also sort of a remix of the Robin Hood vs. Little John fight in the Kevin Costner version of Robin Hood.
PC: Cena fights back but Big Show halts his momentum with a clothesline. Show with a big bodyslam that leaves him completely out of breath.
Coach: One might also suggest that this is a remix of Indiana Jones vs. the big Nazi by the airplane.
PC: Big Show hits a delayed suplex and then toys with Cena.
Coach: Or a remix of Indiana Jones vs. the big Hindu guy in Temple of Doom.
PC: Cena fights back and rushes at Big Show only to be met with a thrust kick.
Coach: Reminiscent of Rocky vs. Thunderlips. A remix of said match, perhaps.
PC: Cena locks in a sleeper hold but Big Show buries him into the turnbuckle.
Coach: This is kind of a remix of Jet Li vs. anyone he's ever fought.
PC: Big Show puts a Cobra Clutch on Cena. I didn't think Big Show even knew that move existed.
Coach: This is sort of a remix of Jason Statham vs. a Dinosaur.
PC: Cena fights out of the hold with several punches to the gut. Then to the chest. Then to the face. Cena hits a dropkick to the knee. Cena gets Big Show up for the F-U/Attitude Adjustment, hits it, but only gets two! Cena is at a loss.
Coach: Can't you just see it though? Statham roundhouses a raptor and goes, "You're fossil fuel."
PC: Referee gets distracted and Cena hits a brass knuckles-assisted punch. He lifts Big Show again and hits another FU for the win.
Final Thoughts
Coach: That match was sort of a remix of the climactic fight scene in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze.
PC: I like 2010 Cena a lot more than 2004 Cena. Well, I hope you all enjoyed our look back at the great US Title matches (that I was able to find on short notice). I hope to do more of these theme marathons in the future.
Coach: I distinctly remember not watching it.
PC: Cena out first with his original theme song. Somehow it is even more irritating than his current theme song.
Coach: Cena seems to be a little more hip-hop at this point. He definitely doesn't talk like this anymore. And he doesn't say "Word Life." And he seems to have left the rhyming behind as well.
PC: Cena is wearing a Patrick Ewing Knicks jersey. I guess he doesn't care about winning in MSG.
Coach: The biggest difference between John Cena and R-Truth: Cena is a wrestler/rapper, R-Truth is a rapper/wrestler.
PC: Here comes Big Show. He has greasy hair and a thunderstache and has never looked better.
Coach: This is sort of a remix of the Hogan vs. Andre the Giant match.
PC: Show controls at the start with his lazy power offense.
Coach: This is also sort of a remix of the Robin Hood vs. Little John fight in the Kevin Costner version of Robin Hood.
PC: Cena fights back but Big Show halts his momentum with a clothesline. Show with a big bodyslam that leaves him completely out of breath.
Coach: One might also suggest that this is a remix of Indiana Jones vs. the big Nazi by the airplane.
PC: Big Show hits a delayed suplex and then toys with Cena.
Coach: Or a remix of Indiana Jones vs. the big Hindu guy in Temple of Doom.
PC: Cena fights back and rushes at Big Show only to be met with a thrust kick.
Coach: Reminiscent of Rocky vs. Thunderlips. A remix of said match, perhaps.
PC: Cena locks in a sleeper hold but Big Show buries him into the turnbuckle.
Coach: This is kind of a remix of Jet Li vs. anyone he's ever fought.
PC: Big Show puts a Cobra Clutch on Cena. I didn't think Big Show even knew that move existed.
Coach: This is sort of a remix of Jason Statham vs. a Dinosaur.
PC: Cena fights out of the hold with several punches to the gut. Then to the chest. Then to the face. Cena hits a dropkick to the knee. Cena gets Big Show up for the F-U/Attitude Adjustment, hits it, but only gets two! Cena is at a loss.
Coach: Can't you just see it though? Statham roundhouses a raptor and goes, "You're fossil fuel."
PC: Referee gets distracted and Cena hits a brass knuckles-assisted punch. He lifts Big Show again and hits another FU for the win.
Final Thoughts
Coach: That match was sort of a remix of the climactic fight scene in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze.
PC: I like 2010 Cena a lot more than 2004 Cena. Well, I hope you all enjoyed our look back at the great US Title matches (that I was able to find on short notice). I hope to do more of these theme marathons in the future.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Chris Benoit vs. Eddie Guerrero - WWE Vengeance '03
PC: Oh boy. I was afraid of this day. Chris Benoit, for a length of time, was my favorite wrestler. The guy could do it all in the ring, came off as a legit badass, and seemed like a great guy. Then he killed his family. Awkward.
Coach: I always thought Canadians were mild mannered.
PC: Eddie Guerrero was also a great wrestler. He died while brushing his teeth. Sad, but at least it didn't ruin everyone's view of professional wrestling. Anyway, they had a US Title match way back in 2003.
Coach: So I guess both of these guys kinda lose in the end. What a downer.
PC: We will just have to drown our sorrows with more tortilla chips. To the match!
Coach: Someone in the crowd is holding an "Eddie Deserves an Oscar" sign. I think I saw a similar sign for Peter O'Toole at last year's Oscars.
PC: Here comes Benoit.
Coach: These guys are both pretty old-looking. Watching old people fight is one of my favorite past times. They are in their late 30's, which is like 100 in wrestling years.
PC: Hard collar and elbow tie up to start. Guerrero with a tight hammerlock to start but Benoit escapes and hits a big shoulderblock.
Coach: This ref is really into it. It's like he actually thinks he has a job or a say in what's going on.
PC: They trade counters on the mat until Eddie hits a big shoulderblock of his own. Guerrero stays in control and works the arm of Benoit. We get an incredible flurry of reversals and pin attempts that ends with Benoit sliding out of the ring to regroup.
Coach: Benoit's pants say "Toothless Aggression." That doesn't really make me shake with fear. Probably the only thing about Benoit that doesn't make me shake with fear.
PC: Guerrero stays on top with a headlock. Benoit manages to reverse out of a tombstone position and hit a shoulderbreaker. He locks on the Crossface but Guerrero makes the ropes and goes to the outside. Benoit hits a HUGE suicide dive to the outside.
Coach: Suicide Dive...awkward.
PC: Yeah...
Coach: ...
PC: Back in the ring, Benoit has a half-nelson on Guerrero to further soften up the shoulder.
Coach: I wonder if Guerrero's pants say "Toothless Aggression" in Spanish. Talk about awkward.
PC: Yeah...
Coach: ...
PC: Guerrero in control again after hitting a back elbow on a charging Benoit.
Coach: You know, there's a good chance that Eddie is powering through a heart attack at this very moment in the match like Chris Farley in that old SNL Da Bears sketch.
PC: Guerrero with an All Japan style backdrop. Hey, that's the move that killed Misawa. Awkward...
Coach: Yeesh, this match is a minefield.
PC: Eddie follows up with an armbar. Benoit powers out an takes control with a backdrop of his own. He then positions Guerrero on the top rope and hits a GIGANTIC back drop driver from the top rope. Delay on the cover and Guerrero is able to kick out. Benoit hits a German Suplex. And another. He goes for a third. Eddie counters. Benoit counters the counter with the crossface! Eddie makes the ropes.
Coach: No let up in this one.
PC: Eddie recovers and hits two suplexes of his own. He finishes off the hat trick with a big superplex. Guerrero goes for the frog splash but Benoit rolls out of the way. Benoit hits his fucking awesome powerbomb that he saved for the big matches. Another crossface and again Guerrero makes the ropes.
Coach: The ref goes down like a champ. This guy is okay by me.
PC: Guerrero nails Benoit with the belt while the ref is down. Guerrero hits the frog splash and the ref recovers enough to count TWO! ONLY TWO! Guerrero can't believe it. Eddie goes for the belt again.
Coach: He hit the ref! Nice. Then Eddie plays dead and acts like it was Benoit. How did the Academy overlook this performance.
PC: Benoit recovers and slaps the crossface on yet again. Eddie taps but the ref is still down. Benoit tries to wake up the ref, Eddie makes a run at him with the belt but Benoit hits a German Suplex. Benoit goes for the diving headbutt but Eddie pulls the ref into the line of fire.
Coach: Man, I hope that guy's getting payed extra.
PC: Rhyno comes out and hits the gore on Benoit. Guerrero goes to the top and hits another frog splash, this time for the three count.
Coach: Post-match Cole predicts that Eddie will win an Oscar someday. He didn't.
Final Thoughts
Coach: We need to see more Benoit. At the same time, I can see why you stopped watching wrestling for awhile after the incident.
PC: More Benoit, for sure. I'll try to make it a less awkward matchup next time. More US Title goodness to come...
Coach: I always thought Canadians were mild mannered.
PC: Eddie Guerrero was also a great wrestler. He died while brushing his teeth. Sad, but at least it didn't ruin everyone's view of professional wrestling. Anyway, they had a US Title match way back in 2003.
Coach: So I guess both of these guys kinda lose in the end. What a downer.
PC: We will just have to drown our sorrows with more tortilla chips. To the match!
Coach: Someone in the crowd is holding an "Eddie Deserves an Oscar" sign. I think I saw a similar sign for Peter O'Toole at last year's Oscars.
PC: Here comes Benoit.
Coach: These guys are both pretty old-looking. Watching old people fight is one of my favorite past times. They are in their late 30's, which is like 100 in wrestling years.
PC: Hard collar and elbow tie up to start. Guerrero with a tight hammerlock to start but Benoit escapes and hits a big shoulderblock.
Coach: This ref is really into it. It's like he actually thinks he has a job or a say in what's going on.
PC: They trade counters on the mat until Eddie hits a big shoulderblock of his own. Guerrero stays in control and works the arm of Benoit. We get an incredible flurry of reversals and pin attempts that ends with Benoit sliding out of the ring to regroup.
Coach: Benoit's pants say "Toothless Aggression." That doesn't really make me shake with fear. Probably the only thing about Benoit that doesn't make me shake with fear.
PC: Guerrero stays on top with a headlock. Benoit manages to reverse out of a tombstone position and hit a shoulderbreaker. He locks on the Crossface but Guerrero makes the ropes and goes to the outside. Benoit hits a HUGE suicide dive to the outside.
Coach: Suicide Dive...awkward.
PC: Yeah...
Coach: ...
PC: Back in the ring, Benoit has a half-nelson on Guerrero to further soften up the shoulder.
Coach: I wonder if Guerrero's pants say "Toothless Aggression" in Spanish. Talk about awkward.
PC: Yeah...
Coach: ...
PC: Guerrero in control again after hitting a back elbow on a charging Benoit.
Coach: You know, there's a good chance that Eddie is powering through a heart attack at this very moment in the match like Chris Farley in that old SNL Da Bears sketch.
PC: Guerrero with an All Japan style backdrop. Hey, that's the move that killed Misawa. Awkward...
Coach: Yeesh, this match is a minefield.
PC: Eddie follows up with an armbar. Benoit powers out an takes control with a backdrop of his own. He then positions Guerrero on the top rope and hits a GIGANTIC back drop driver from the top rope. Delay on the cover and Guerrero is able to kick out. Benoit hits a German Suplex. And another. He goes for a third. Eddie counters. Benoit counters the counter with the crossface! Eddie makes the ropes.
Coach: No let up in this one.
PC: Eddie recovers and hits two suplexes of his own. He finishes off the hat trick with a big superplex. Guerrero goes for the frog splash but Benoit rolls out of the way. Benoit hits his fucking awesome powerbomb that he saved for the big matches. Another crossface and again Guerrero makes the ropes.
Coach: The ref goes down like a champ. This guy is okay by me.
PC: Guerrero nails Benoit with the belt while the ref is down. Guerrero hits the frog splash and the ref recovers enough to count TWO! ONLY TWO! Guerrero can't believe it. Eddie goes for the belt again.
Coach: He hit the ref! Nice. Then Eddie plays dead and acts like it was Benoit. How did the Academy overlook this performance.
PC: Benoit recovers and slaps the crossface on yet again. Eddie taps but the ref is still down. Benoit tries to wake up the ref, Eddie makes a run at him with the belt but Benoit hits a German Suplex. Benoit goes for the diving headbutt but Eddie pulls the ref into the line of fire.
Coach: Man, I hope that guy's getting payed extra.
PC: Rhyno comes out and hits the gore on Benoit. Guerrero goes to the top and hits another frog splash, this time for the three count.
Coach: Post-match Cole predicts that Eddie will win an Oscar someday. He didn't.
Final Thoughts
Coach: We need to see more Benoit. At the same time, I can see why you stopped watching wrestling for awhile after the incident.
PC: More Benoit, for sure. I'll try to make it a less awkward matchup next time. More US Title goodness to come...
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Rick Rude vs. Ricky Steamboat - WCW Superbrawl '92
PC: Mountain Dew, Queso dip, and WCW. Man, it doesn’t get much better than this. I am still in the track suit, Coach has switched over to gym shorts, and we are ready to go.
Coach: The bathrobe was getting a little stuffy.
PC: Rick Rude out first.
Coach: Good thing I changed out of the bathrobe. I would have been ashamed when I compared it to Rick Rude’s gorgeous attire.
PC: Rude tries to get out a pre-match speak but the crowd is totally drowning him out. Man, they don’t make crowds like this anymore. Rude says his piece but I honestly couldn’t catch a word of it. Steamboat makes his entrance next and the crowd, as always, loves him.
Coach: The announcers tells us that Steamboat won the US Championship way back in his rookie year. That would be like Darren Young beating R-Truth for the title on Raw next week.
PC: Coach, please don’t compare Darren Young to Ricky Steamboat. We get a short feeling out process to start but Steamboat takes control with chops and classic armdrags.
Coach: Why is there a ninja at ringside?
PC: Because it’s WCW. Even when they did good stuff, there was always massive stupidity involved. Steamboat works the arm.
Coach: Rude apparently used to be an arm-wrestling champion. You pair that with the US Title I think you have the most decorated athlete in history.
PC: Rude tries to fight away, but Steamboat stays in control with an armbar.
Coach: Jesse Ventura spends most of his announcing time pandering to the electorate.
PC: Steamboat kicks and chops Rude’s arm before throwing the armbar back on. Steamboat hits the awesome hammerlock bodyslam combo and then goes right back to the armbar. Rude fights out, but Steamboat hits a bodypress, an armdrag, and we’re back to the armbar.
Coach: Ventura keeps talking about The Dangerous Alliance. That must explain the ninja. Dangerous Alliance really spells out the group’s intentions. They might as well be called, “Group of Evil People.”
PC: Rude takes control by hitting a bodypress of his own and then throwing Steamboat to the outside. Rude poses for the crowd.
Coach: He has the physique of a mid-90’s baseball player.
PC: The Steroid Era is the one time that professional wrestling was ahead of the curve. Rude with a headlock on Steamboat. This match is all about the fundamentals. Rude hits a clothesline and then sells the damage to his arm. Awesome. Rude with a neckbreaker.
Coach: Jesse tries to explain how that move is a setup for the Rude Awakening but he trips over his own words and breaks the announce table.
PC: Rude with a big backdrop. Steamboat kicks out at two. Rude goes right back to the headlock. Steamboat counters with a shin breaker followed by a Figure Four.
Coach: I like how they’ll come out with chairs and chains and it’s so illegal and they do it anyway. Yet as soon as the guy reaches the ropes, everybody lets up right away.
PC: Rude hits a clothesline to the back of Steamboat’s neck and then continues to work out of the headlock. Steamboat powers out and they run the ropes until they collide in mid-air.
Coach: “You’re looking at what happens when two frogs leap at the same time.” Maybe Jesse Ventura’s finest piece of oration.
PC: Rude with a sleeper hold on Steamboat. Steamboat struggles but Rude won’t let up. Steamboat ends up getting a sleeper of his own, but Rude counters with a jawbreaker. Steamboat hits a HUGE superplex but Rude kicks out at two. Steamboat mocks Rude’s posing to the crowd’s delight.
Coach: Oh snap.
PC: Steamboat hits his whole repertoire of offense including a top rope clothesline. Steamboat goes to the top again, only to have the ninja at ringside nail him in the head with a bulky cellphone.
Coach: One referee requirement that I forgot in our earlier post: “Are you really good at looking the other way?”
Final Thoughts
Coach: Good match between two very equal wrestlers. And Jesse “The Body” Ventura was announcing. And I had delicious chips and dip. A thumbs up from me.
PC: Pretty fine wrestling here. Even with a ninja involved and a finish that had nothing to do with Steamboat’s arm work or Rude’s neck work which made up the entire match. The marathon continues…
Coach: The bathrobe was getting a little stuffy.
PC: Rick Rude out first.
Coach: Good thing I changed out of the bathrobe. I would have been ashamed when I compared it to Rick Rude’s gorgeous attire.
PC: Rude tries to get out a pre-match speak but the crowd is totally drowning him out. Man, they don’t make crowds like this anymore. Rude says his piece but I honestly couldn’t catch a word of it. Steamboat makes his entrance next and the crowd, as always, loves him.
Coach: The announcers tells us that Steamboat won the US Championship way back in his rookie year. That would be like Darren Young beating R-Truth for the title on Raw next week.
PC: Coach, please don’t compare Darren Young to Ricky Steamboat. We get a short feeling out process to start but Steamboat takes control with chops and classic armdrags.
Coach: Why is there a ninja at ringside?
PC: Because it’s WCW. Even when they did good stuff, there was always massive stupidity involved. Steamboat works the arm.
Coach: Rude apparently used to be an arm-wrestling champion. You pair that with the US Title I think you have the most decorated athlete in history.
PC: Rude tries to fight away, but Steamboat stays in control with an armbar.
Coach: Jesse Ventura spends most of his announcing time pandering to the electorate.
PC: Steamboat kicks and chops Rude’s arm before throwing the armbar back on. Steamboat hits the awesome hammerlock bodyslam combo and then goes right back to the armbar. Rude fights out, but Steamboat hits a bodypress, an armdrag, and we’re back to the armbar.
Coach: Ventura keeps talking about The Dangerous Alliance. That must explain the ninja. Dangerous Alliance really spells out the group’s intentions. They might as well be called, “Group of Evil People.”
PC: Rude takes control by hitting a bodypress of his own and then throwing Steamboat to the outside. Rude poses for the crowd.
Coach: He has the physique of a mid-90’s baseball player.
PC: The Steroid Era is the one time that professional wrestling was ahead of the curve. Rude with a headlock on Steamboat. This match is all about the fundamentals. Rude hits a clothesline and then sells the damage to his arm. Awesome. Rude with a neckbreaker.
Coach: Jesse tries to explain how that move is a setup for the Rude Awakening but he trips over his own words and breaks the announce table.
PC: Rude with a big backdrop. Steamboat kicks out at two. Rude goes right back to the headlock. Steamboat counters with a shin breaker followed by a Figure Four.
Coach: I like how they’ll come out with chairs and chains and it’s so illegal and they do it anyway. Yet as soon as the guy reaches the ropes, everybody lets up right away.
PC: Rude hits a clothesline to the back of Steamboat’s neck and then continues to work out of the headlock. Steamboat powers out and they run the ropes until they collide in mid-air.
Coach: “You’re looking at what happens when two frogs leap at the same time.” Maybe Jesse Ventura’s finest piece of oration.
PC: Rude with a sleeper hold on Steamboat. Steamboat struggles but Rude won’t let up. Steamboat ends up getting a sleeper of his own, but Rude counters with a jawbreaker. Steamboat hits a HUGE superplex but Rude kicks out at two. Steamboat mocks Rude’s posing to the crowd’s delight.
Coach: Oh snap.
PC: Steamboat hits his whole repertoire of offense including a top rope clothesline. Steamboat goes to the top again, only to have the ninja at ringside nail him in the head with a bulky cellphone.
Coach: One referee requirement that I forgot in our earlier post: “Are you really good at looking the other way?”
Final Thoughts
Coach: Good match between two very equal wrestlers. And Jesse “The Body” Ventura was announcing. And I had delicious chips and dip. A thumbs up from me.
PC: Pretty fine wrestling here. Even with a ninja involved and a finish that had nothing to do with Steamboat’s arm work or Rude’s neck work which made up the entire match. The marathon continues…
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
WWE NXT 6/1/10
PC: Coach, tonight "Epic" is spelled N-X-T.
Coach: NXT. Three letter. Three wrestlers left. Three ways it could go.
PC: Pick me a winner.
Coach: I'm going with Otunga. I'm thinking he's what they're looking for right now.
PC: I'm still holding out hope for Daniel Bryan. We start with a lowlight package of sorts, showcasing the eliminated wrestlers. Striker welcomes us to the Season Finale. The eliminated rookies are sitting front row. I bet they will just sit there and passively enjoy the show. Next up, the pros are introduced.
Coach: I guess when they started the show by saying, "the talk is over," they were just kidding.
PC: Striker says that they have one last chance to impress: a triple threat match, up next!
Coach: I smell a whole lot of highlight packages in our future.
PC: We get our first look at the 2nd season of NXT...starting next week. Hmm. It's Mike "IRS" Rotunda's son, Husky Harris. His pro, for some reason, is Cody Rhodes and NOT Ted DiBiase Jr.
Coach: They reveal that John Morrison will be one of the pros on Season 2. I don't know who his rookie is because I was distracted by the elaborate crosses on his sunglasses.
PC: It's Eli Cottonwood. He's plenty tall and plenty weird looking.
David Otunga vs. Wade Barrett vs. Justin Gabriel
PC: Three ways are the worst type of match. Now imagine three not-that-talented guys working a three way. Then picture a crowd that is reacting to everything like they just spilled their popcorn on the ground.
Coach: R-Truth is ringside and he hasn't said "What's up" even once.
PC: Gabriel hits the 450 on Otunga. Barrett, however, pulls him out of the ring and pins Otunga himself. Otunga is eliminated and we are left with Barrett vs. Gabriel as we go to commercial.
Coach: A little international flavor here. England vs. South Africa. A World Cup preview perhaps?
PC: Back from the break and Barrett has Gabriel in an abdominal stretch. Garbriel fights out and hits his sloppy spin kicks on Barrett. Gabriel hits a crossbody that Barrett jumps into. Kinda cool looking. Gabriel with a flash rollup for two. Gabriel goes for the 450 again but is met with the knees and pinned. Barrett wins and it appears that he is now the front-runner.
Coach: The pros tabulate the votes. CM Punk is wearing a mask. I assume it is because of events from this past week's Smackdown. Thus, I don't care.
PC: MVP is one of our pros starting next week. He introduces Percy Watson, who reminds me of MC Hammer after he recovered from his first bankruptcy. Zack Ryder will also be a pro. His rookie is named Titus O'Neil, a former Florida Gator football player.
Coach: We are halfway through the hour long show and it's elimination time.
PC: Striker interviews the eliminated rookies. They give some dumb answers but the consensus is Wade Barrett.
Coach: I'm not ready to let go yet!
PC: Don't worry Coach. The next season start in seven short days. Oh, and Gabriel is eliminated.
Coach: Mandela did not want him to win NXT.
PC: Two faceless divas are pros. Great. And their rookie is LOW KI!!!! err...Kaval. Well Coach, I have a new NXT guy to get over-emotional about.
Coach: I'm really looking forward to this one week break from NXT. It's been a long season.
PC: Mark Henry is another pro. Or "Professional" as he says. His rookie is Lucky Cannon. He seems lame.
Coach: Mark Henry could eat him. And will, on the Season 2 Finale.
PC: Barrett and Otunga are supposed to berate each other on the microphone. Otunga says a bunch of stupid crap that would make Edge blush.
Coach: Barrett counters with dry British sarcasm. Typical.
PC: Another pro introduction. Kofi Kingston this time. He also says "Professional." His rookie is Michael McGillicutty. His dad is Mr. Perfect. He acts all intense. I would prefer that he make a foul shot backwards.
Coach: Isn't there basketball on or something?
PC: Nope. There's no escape, Coach. Striker is about to announce the winner but The Miz interrupts. He announces that he will be back as a pro on NXT Season 2. His rookie: Alex Riley.
Coach: He's like a mini-Miz.
PC: And now...the winner is...wait. Regal congratulates Jericho prematurely and then insults Jeniffer Hudson. R-Truth gets in his face. R-Truth does a dance move. Regal just got served. All the pros are jawing at each other now. CM Punk non-chalantly leaves. Striker interrupts them for a change. The winner is...WADE BARRETT! No one is surprised. Jericho with smug applause on the entrance ramp.
Coach: I really thought Otunga was going to win. I thought it from the very beginning. Kudos to them for going against expectations.
PC: Barrett cuts a heel promo to celebrate. And that's it. Show's over.
Final Thoughts
Coach: I think WWE found itself a new brand. I don't know how they'll make it any different next season, but then again I'm sure they'll come up with new and exciting stupid challenges.
PC: Bryan Danielson is quickly finding his place in WWE. And here comes Low Ki!
Coach: NXT. Three letter. Three wrestlers left. Three ways it could go.
PC: Pick me a winner.
Coach: I'm going with Otunga. I'm thinking he's what they're looking for right now.
PC: I'm still holding out hope for Daniel Bryan. We start with a lowlight package of sorts, showcasing the eliminated wrestlers. Striker welcomes us to the Season Finale. The eliminated rookies are sitting front row. I bet they will just sit there and passively enjoy the show. Next up, the pros are introduced.
Coach: I guess when they started the show by saying, "the talk is over," they were just kidding.
PC: Striker says that they have one last chance to impress: a triple threat match, up next!
Coach: I smell a whole lot of highlight packages in our future.
PC: We get our first look at the 2nd season of NXT...starting next week. Hmm. It's Mike "IRS" Rotunda's son, Husky Harris. His pro, for some reason, is Cody Rhodes and NOT Ted DiBiase Jr.
Coach: They reveal that John Morrison will be one of the pros on Season 2. I don't know who his rookie is because I was distracted by the elaborate crosses on his sunglasses.
PC: It's Eli Cottonwood. He's plenty tall and plenty weird looking.
David Otunga vs. Wade Barrett vs. Justin Gabriel
PC: Three ways are the worst type of match. Now imagine three not-that-talented guys working a three way. Then picture a crowd that is reacting to everything like they just spilled their popcorn on the ground.
Coach: R-Truth is ringside and he hasn't said "What's up" even once.
PC: Gabriel hits the 450 on Otunga. Barrett, however, pulls him out of the ring and pins Otunga himself. Otunga is eliminated and we are left with Barrett vs. Gabriel as we go to commercial.
Coach: A little international flavor here. England vs. South Africa. A World Cup preview perhaps?
PC: Back from the break and Barrett has Gabriel in an abdominal stretch. Garbriel fights out and hits his sloppy spin kicks on Barrett. Gabriel hits a crossbody that Barrett jumps into. Kinda cool looking. Gabriel with a flash rollup for two. Gabriel goes for the 450 again but is met with the knees and pinned. Barrett wins and it appears that he is now the front-runner.
Coach: The pros tabulate the votes. CM Punk is wearing a mask. I assume it is because of events from this past week's Smackdown. Thus, I don't care.
PC: MVP is one of our pros starting next week. He introduces Percy Watson, who reminds me of MC Hammer after he recovered from his first bankruptcy. Zack Ryder will also be a pro. His rookie is named Titus O'Neil, a former Florida Gator football player.
Coach: We are halfway through the hour long show and it's elimination time.
PC: Striker interviews the eliminated rookies. They give some dumb answers but the consensus is Wade Barrett.
Coach: I'm not ready to let go yet!
PC: Don't worry Coach. The next season start in seven short days. Oh, and Gabriel is eliminated.
Coach: Mandela did not want him to win NXT.
PC: Two faceless divas are pros. Great. And their rookie is LOW KI!!!! err...Kaval. Well Coach, I have a new NXT guy to get over-emotional about.
Coach: I'm really looking forward to this one week break from NXT. It's been a long season.
PC: Mark Henry is another pro. Or "Professional" as he says. His rookie is Lucky Cannon. He seems lame.
Coach: Mark Henry could eat him. And will, on the Season 2 Finale.
PC: Barrett and Otunga are supposed to berate each other on the microphone. Otunga says a bunch of stupid crap that would make Edge blush.
Coach: Barrett counters with dry British sarcasm. Typical.
PC: Another pro introduction. Kofi Kingston this time. He also says "Professional." His rookie is Michael McGillicutty. His dad is Mr. Perfect. He acts all intense. I would prefer that he make a foul shot backwards.
Coach: Isn't there basketball on or something?
PC: Nope. There's no escape, Coach. Striker is about to announce the winner but The Miz interrupts. He announces that he will be back as a pro on NXT Season 2. His rookie: Alex Riley.
Coach: He's like a mini-Miz.
PC: And now...the winner is...wait. Regal congratulates Jericho prematurely and then insults Jeniffer Hudson. R-Truth gets in his face. R-Truth does a dance move. Regal just got served. All the pros are jawing at each other now. CM Punk non-chalantly leaves. Striker interrupts them for a change. The winner is...WADE BARRETT! No one is surprised. Jericho with smug applause on the entrance ramp.
Coach: I really thought Otunga was going to win. I thought it from the very beginning. Kudos to them for going against expectations.
PC: Barrett cuts a heel promo to celebrate. And that's it. Show's over.
Final Thoughts
Coach: I think WWE found itself a new brand. I don't know how they'll make it any different next season, but then again I'm sure they'll come up with new and exciting stupid challenges.
PC: Bryan Danielson is quickly finding his place in WWE. And here comes Low Ki!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)