PC: I know what you're thinking. "Wait a minute. I thought Raw was on Monday nights. It is currently Friday morning. I am confused." Well Coach, we have DVR now. Anything is possible.
Coach: Time has been rendered meaningless.
PC: A screech of guitars signals Bret Hart's entrance and we are off in running.
Coach: Is that Nelson Mandela with him. "It is time for Mandiba to host Monday Night Raw."
PC: That's Teddy Long, the Smackdown GM. Who looks nothing like Mandela.
Coach: Sorry, South Africa on the mind. Just saw a sign for The Rock. I hope that guy voted for him in the Viewer's Choice poll. I know what I voted for: A three-way dance between Owen Hart, Eddie Guerrero, and Chris Benoit.
PC: All the headliners from Fatal 4Way will compete today. And Orton's crappy music interrupts that train of thought.
Coach: Orton has come here to chew bubble gum, close his eyes, and tilt his head. And he's all out of bubble gum...
PC: Orton demands a match with Edge. Orton has a real Joran van der Sloot vibe about him tonight.
Coach: Mandela is trying to broker a peace between the warring factions. If I knew this guy was on Smackdown, I would have acknowledged its existence long ago.
PC: One-armed match between Edge and Orton later. First match will be Big Show vs. Jericho. Fans can go on the web and vote for what kind of match it will be.
Coach: Can the fans vote on the winner?
PC: In the spirit of "Everything in wrestling is fake," there is no way any of these polls will be legitimate. This is like voting on interest rates on a loan shark's website.
Coach: Matt Striker in the house tonight. That reminds me of NXT. Did you vote for Daniel Bryan vs. Kaval tonight?
Big Show vs. Chris Jericho
PC: This match will be a body slam challenge. Big Show loves it. He opens himself up for Jericho to give it a try, but Jericho slaps him in the face. Show takes over and they are kinda wrestling a regular match. Jericho gains some momentum by working over the arm with kicks and punches.
Coach: I wonder what Japanese people say when they watch American wrestling. To answer my own question, I bet it is, "More chops please."
PC: Jericho comes off the time but Show catches him and hits the bodyslam for the win. Show then hits a really lazy chinlock/camel clutch to win the hypothetical submission match. Then he throws Jericho over the top rope to win that challenge too.
Coach: Big Show doesn't seem to understand the concept of Multiple Choice. Must come from his menu reading.
Hart Dynasty vs. Great Khali & Hornswaggle
PC: Given the Hart family's history, I'm not sure I would put them in the ring with a guy who once killed a trainee with a powerbomb.
Coach: You know what Khali had for breakfast this morning?
PC: What?
Coach: A barrel.
PC: A barrel of what?
Coach: A barrel of wood.
PC: In the time it took to type that, this match happened. Hornswaggle misses a tadpole splash and Kidd gets the pin. The other teams storm the ring but the Harts come out on top.
Coach: Smackdown recap. Undertaker was found in a vegetative state over the weekend. I guess he borrowed Eddie Guerrero's toothbrush.
PC: Ouch. Kane is looking for the culprit. Kane screams about Vengeance. And cries. Weird.
Coach: Now THAT'S a eulogy. And notice that the coffin was empty. Undertaker is the smoke monster!
PC: Here comes the A-Team! Well, the lower 3/4 anyway. Actually, just Bradley Cooper. Hmmm.
Coach: Lawler is on the hate path! He explains to Wikkis and Rampage Jackson that his crown is missing.
PC: No South African accent tonight for Wikkis. Apparently the A-Team is here tonight, not the actors playing them. Now that's getting into the wrestling spirit.
Santino Marella vs. Vladimir Kozlov
Coach: I love how the WWE is like, "Please hate Santino." And the WWE Universe is like, "No."
PC: Dance-off wins in a landslide. Santino gives us a graceful floor exercise with a bit of the Carlton Dance mixed in for good measure. He finishes up with something that was either supposed to resemble a swan or a cobra.
Coach: Kozlov gives us his thoughts. I'm pretty sure it was something about Afghanistan in the 80's.
PC: Kozlov does an impressive Russian Robot. For the win! They dance together and Santino thinks that he has finally found his tag team partner. Kozlov instead hits Santino with a spinebuster.
Coach: Fun little segment. Divas up next and our fast forward button seems to be broken. Oh no, we missed it!
PC: Backstage, Kane accuses Sheamus of taking out The Undertaker. Sheamus bristles at the false accusation. He's a real Joran McSloot.
Sheamus vs. Kane
Coach: Uh oh. Sheamus looks like he's seconds away from confessing that he was having sex with the Undertaker on the beach when he went into a seizure.
PC: Leave the van der Sloot jokes to me, Coach. There's plenty of bad hair styles for you. Kane dominates in the early going. Kane goes to the top but Sheamus counters with a slam. Back from the break and Sheamus is still in charge. That is until Kane hits a big boot. Sheamus counters out of a chokeslam and hits a backbreaker.
Coach: I wonder where Undertaker really is. Sipping tea by the fire and watching this match, of course. I guess "The Undertaker is dead" is more believable than "The Undertaker threw his shoulder out."
PC: After being thrown out of the ring, Sheamus willingly gets himself counted out.
Coach: Back from break and we get a look back at marble-mouth Wade Barrett winning NXT.
PC: Million Dollar Kid backstage with Virgil. The A-Team ask them about Lawler's crown. We get a faceoff between Rampage Jackson and Virgil. IRS breaks that up. IRS(!) explains that Lawler didn't pay his taxes. Then the A-Team gets attacked by tear gas.
R-Truth & John Morrison vs. The Miz & Zack Ryder
Coach: WHAT'S UP!
PC: WHAT'S UP!
Coach: It's tough for R-Truth to rap and dance at the same time.
PC: That's because he's a rapper/wrestler/dancer, not a rapper/dancer/wrestler.
Coach: I want to see an R-Truth hosted talk show host titled "Moment of Truth." That would make him a rapper/wrestler/talk show host/dancer. Or something.
PC: When is your birthday. I wen to invent an R-Truth alarm clock, sell the patent to WWE, then buy it for you. WAKE UP!
Coach: You know, I've had some time to think about this. Would R-Truth's talk show be called Moment of Truth or simply WHAT'S UP?
PC: The possibilities are endless. Team Douche is winning so far. Hot tag to Morrison and we have a competitive little match all the sudden. Miz hits his full nelson facebuster thing for the win.
Coach: Kane accuses Bret Hart of taking out the Undertaker. Says they have history together.
PC: I can assure you that they don't.
Coach: If Bret Hart did it, it would be in the news. "Old Man Hits Another Old Man with a Steel Chair Sixteen Times. Both Bite Dog."
Edge vs. Randy Orton in a One-Armed Challenge
Coach: The article of clothing of choice of WWE Wrestlers seems to be the t-shirt. Specifically, their own t-shirts. This is the development in modern wrestling that I like the least. They need more tasseled tuxedo jackets covered in glitter.
PC: I've changed my mind about getting you the R-Truth Alarm Clock. I think the Randy Orton music would be far more effective.
Coach: The only problem is that it only goes off at Hate O'Clock.
PC: Orton strikes first with a clothesline and some stomps. Orton goes for the RKO but Edge counters. Edge frees up his arm and gets DQ'd in the process. Edge lines up for the spear...
Coach: Orton's about to go on vacation.
PC: Orton counters with a kick. He throws Edge out of the ring. Orton follows him outside but Edge slams his shoulder with a steel chair. And again! King and Cole then recap the Diva Battle Royale in a very somber tone.
Coach: "This is a shocking and tragic occurrence. Just like Maryse betraying her partner to win the lingerie match."
PC: Back from break and Gene Okerlund(!!!) is interviewing Wikkis. Or is it Murdoch? Or is is Sharlto Copley? This is like a David Lynch movie all the sudden. I'm just waiting for Okerlund to tell Wikkis to find the blue box.
Drew Mcyntire vs. Matt Hardy
PC: Drew bitches about how Hardy is supposed to be suspended. Teddy Long explains that Hardy is only suspended from Smackdown. And this is Raw. So let's do it!
Coach: I am not interested in all this Smackdown drama. Smackdown, I don't bother you on Friday Night, don't bother me on Monday Night.
PC: Hardy goes right at Drew. Hardy hits a twist of fate for the win. He continues to beat on Drew after the bell and even pulls out some of his hair.
Coach: Rampage Jackson is handcuffed to a chair by DiBiase and his crew. David Lynch movie, indeed.
PC: In the ring now with DiBiase and his crew. And here comes Roddy Piper. I suppose he is looking for revenge from their Wrestlemania I and II encounters with the old B.A. Barakkus. Piper hates the A-Team. This is some Lost Highway shit right here. A golf cart to the rescue filled with Wikkis, Gene Okerlund, and, I shit you not, Dusty Rhodes. Dusty being here is the equivalent of Dean Stockwell singing In Dreams into a lightbulb halfway through Blue Velvet. They take out Money, Inc and we go to break.
John Cena vs. CM Punk
Coach: I have a thought. John Cena biopic starring Ben Foster.
PC: Ben Foster isn't big enough to pull off Evan Bourne, let alone Cena.
Coach: My stance on CM Punk is well known. You love him, so I don't make fun of him. The Daniel Bryan rule, as I call it.
PC: Coach, just let me know if you ever want to watch CM Punk wrestle a 93 minute match. Because I own one.
Coach: I do dig Punk's chest hair. Not the hair itself, but the bold move to not go for the wax before the match.
PC: Good chain wrestling to start as they trade headlocks in response to the crowd's "You Can't Wrestle" chant. I can only assume that was aimed at Cena.
Coach: How an you not like Cena? Unless you're anti-jorts I guess.
PC: Back from the break and Cena is going for the Attitude Adjustment. Punk fights out and tosses Cena to the outside. Cena gets the upper hand with a series of shoulder tackles.
Coach: A chorus of boos rings out as Wade Barrett comes toward the ring.
PC: The entire NXT roster comes out and attacks the Straight Edge Society. Now the rookies surround Cena. 8 on 1 beatdown. Then the kids attack Striker and Lawler. Skip Sheffield topples the announce table. First time I've ever seen that, actually. The NXT kids destroy the entire ringside area. And the ring itself.
Coach: This is kinda weird to watch without announcers.
PC: Reminds me of old Revolution Pro tapes. Right down to the shitty beat up ring and Bryan Danielson. Speaking of the American Dragon, he spits in Cena's face and then lays in a big kick. Beatdown continues. Finally the rookies leave through a side exit. Ring is a total mess. Cena being strapped to a stretcher. Great visual to end the show. Looks like the end of Rollerball.
Final Thoughts
Coach: Really weird surreal ending. Are we sure David Lynch wasn't the real guest host of Raw?
PC: I want the next WWE Films movie to be "Trouble in Paradise: The Joran van der Sloot Story" starring Randy Orton and directed by David Lynch.
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