PC: Taking a little break from our US Title match marathon (it was a marathon, I promise) to recap some RAW. Our aforementioned Cable Guy hooked us up with the DVR (which we were probably already paying for) so we have the magical ability to fast forward this week.
Coach: So no Divas matches or Smackdown recaps.
PC: Coach, I have a confession to make...
Coach: You bought Fatal 4way tickets?
PC: No. I watched Smackdown this week.
Coach: That's a terrible way to spend a Friday night. PC, it's not even Live.
PC: I have a problem.
Coach: I like the opening to the WWE shows. Nice little history lesson full of guys I don't recognize.
PC: We start in the middle of Edge beating up Evan Bourne.
Coach: What a coincidence that the first time we have DVR, we totally miss the beginning of RAW. But I guess that's just Raw being Raw...totally unpredictable, as usual.
PC: Bourne makes a comeback with some sweet looking kick combinations. He goes for the shooting star press and hits nothing. Edge hits the spear and makes some goofy faces that are supposed to be "menacing." Edge talks about his opponents at Fatal 4Way and about how the fans don't respect him.
Coach: Uh oh, here comes Randy Orton. He smells the hate and just has to get in on it.
PC: Orton is the only guy in wrestling with a cheesier t-shirt and goofier facial expressions than Edge. What happened to cocky fratboy Legend Killer Orton? That Orton was awesome. Edge talks some trash and Orton hits the RKO.
Coach: Does Orton sing his own theme song?
PC: No, but he should. And I should point out that Coach is laughing uncontrollably whenever Randy Orton is onscreen.
Coach: It's like he doesn't even need to talk anymore. He just closes his eyes at dramatic moments.
PC: Back from commercial and Ashton Kutcher is hugging one of the faceless Divas.
Coach: WWE really shouldn't have someone with the acting talent of Ashton Kutcher hosting Raw and showing up all their talent.
PC: Here comes the Miz.
Coach: Oh man, these two on screen together...
PC: It's magic. OH MY GOD I NOW LOVE ASHTON KUTCHER I WILL SIGN UP FOR HIS STUPID TWITTER!!! Ashton Kutcher just signed a match between The Miz and BRYAN DANIELSON (or Daniel Bryan or whatever they're calling his this week)!!
R-Truth vs. Chris Jericho (non-title)
Coach: If that's not enough, we get a live rap from the NEW United States Champion R-Truth. WHAT'S UP!
PC: WHAT'S UP!
Coach: His opponent is Chris Jericho who, incidentally, is not wearing a suit tonight.
PC: Non-Title match. R-Truth in control in the early going and the crowd is solidly behind him. After fast-forwarding through the commercial, we find Chris Jericho in control with the headlock. R-Truth fights out and rolls up Jericho for two. Jericho with an enzugiri to take control again. Jericho with a big suplex and a big shit-eating grin.
Coach: I don't want to see R-Truth lose. Mostly because I don't want to see an R-Truth/Jericho feud.
PC: Disagree whole-heartedly. If this match is any indication, these guys mesh pretty well together. Things go back and forth from there with each guy going for their signature spots and failing to come up big. Jericho gets the Walls of Jericho, but R-Truth is able to turn it into a roll-up for THREE! WHAT'S UP!
Coach: WHAT'S UP!
PC: Really good match. Post-match, Jericho is distraught.
Coach: Thank god we can fast-forward through all these highlight packages.
PC: Zack Ryder complains to Bret Hart about Ashton Kutcher. I suppose Bret Hart is as good a person to complain about Ashton Kutcher to as anyone. Here comes the Hart Dynasty and Bret reveals that he signed the tag team that attacked them last week. I couldn't understand the name of said team through Bret's accent. My apologies.
Santino Marella & Eve Torres vs. Maryse & William Regal w/ Vladimir Kozlov
Coach: Ugh, I hate Regal.
PC: You just haven't seen any of his good matches. He works best when it's him and another old guy (like Finlay or Benoit) beating the shit out of each other. Santino tries to get Vladimir Kozlov to be his new tag partner.
Coach: So far the writing on this show is working on me. I'm liking who they tell me to like, I'm hating who they want me to hate. Except Randy Orton. Can't get into that guy.
PC: The divas do some stuff and then Regal comes in and lays into Santino with some elbows.
Coach: Regal looks like my friend's dad. I should ask him if that's why his dad is never home on Monday nights.
PC: Kozlov turns on Regal! Santino with the cover and it looks like we have a new, European Union-themed tag team.
Coach: Highlight package in honor of Memorial Day. WWE salutes our troops and their continued defense of our freedom to have sweet fighter plane fly-overs.
PC: Bret Hart comes to the ring.
Coach: If, and by "if" I mean "when," we go to a live WWE event, will you buy an R-Truth t-shirt?
PC: I don't know. Would you?
Coach: No, but I'd be willing to wear my home made one.
PC: Three hour RAW next week with the whole WWE roster. Oh boy.
Coach: DVR couldn't have come at a better time.
PC: Teddy DiBiase, with VIRGIL (can't believe he was available...), interrupts.
Coach: I'm not gonna respect him until he grows a beard and wears a suit.
PC: DiBiase claims that Bret only came back to WWE for money. Even Bret can't refute that one. And now Ashton Kutcher interrupts. He is quickly losing his good will with me. Ashton suggests "Viewer's Choice" as the theme for next week's Raw. Bret agrees but...
Coach: Another interruption.
PC: This time it's Vince himself. Crowd loves the old man. And I love his hair, real or fake.
Coach: Vince is beginning to look and move like Andy Griffith.
PC: Vince gives Bret advice: Treat the fans like children. Wow. There's the WWE philosophy in a five words. Fans not as happy with Vince on his way out.
Coach: Backstage we get Zack Ryder and Randy Orton having a chat. Orton gets nailed on the shoulder with a door by Edge. He writhes in pain on the floor and his acting is Olivier-esque.
The Miz vs. Daniel Bryan
Coach: Miz's face is still small.
PC: "One night contract" for Bryan. Recap of DB beating up Michael Cole and the Miz last week on NXT. I refuse to fast-forward. Man, that elbow on Miz was fucking SOLID.
Coach: Here we go!
PC: Match begins with Bryan landing several punches on Miz.
Coach: Correction, illegal close-fist punches.
PC: Miz takes control and Cole trashes DB and all the smarks on the internet. Hey! That's me! Oh man, Bryan uses a modified Crippler Crossface.
Coach: Awkward...
PC: Miz rolls over for a pin attempt, but Bryan rolls it over again and GETS THE WIN! Post-match, Miz attacks tries to force Bryan to apologize to Michael Cole. Instead, DB slams Miz's face into the announce table.
Coach: And then throws him right on top of Cole!
PC: Best Raw match ever. After commercial, Cole complains about DB.
Coach: Lawler seems like he's sick of Cole's whining. I smell an announcer vs. announcer feud.
PC: The mystery tag team from last week is in the ring. I still can't understand the pronunciation of their name. Apparently they are Samoan. They explain that they went after the Hart Dynasty to get their name out there. Too bad I still don't know what their name is. Okay, I'm piecing things together. The girl is Jimmy Snuka's daughter. Before I can find out any more, the Hart Dynasty storms the ring. The Samoans get the best of them once again, however.
Coach: Aww, no Hart Attack tonight...
PC: Lawler lets the cat out of the bag. They are Rikishi's twin sons. Their name is Uso. Nice to know.
Coach: Zack Ryder comes out to further his twitter feud with Ashton Kutcher. Why do you watch this again?
PC: Lawler comes to the ring with a chair, but he just sits on it. The REAL hired gun for Kutcher is The Great Khali. Oh wait, no it's not. Out comes Goldust. Third time's a charm? Nope. Kutcher claims that Ryder will never see it coming. The diva he came to the ring with attacks him. DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING, DID YOU COACH??!!
Coach: No...oh wait. Yes. I meant to say yes.
PC: Backstage, Sheamus confronts Edge. They talk strategy. Thrilling stuff.
Coach: The A-Team (except Liam Neeson) host Raw next week. I have an early internet vote. I vote for Liam Neeson, and none of the other A-Team, to host Raw.
Edge & Sheamus vs. John Cena & ???
PC: Orton is apparently out of the main event. So either it's a handicap match or Cena will have a mystery partner. I hope it's not Ashton Kutcher. Cena's parter...Evan Bourne?! Matt Sydal is headlining Raw! Holy Shit! And Bryan Danielson won! Best Raw ever.
Coach: The internet is about to burn to the ground.
PC: Cena and Bourne in control to start. Sydal hits some flashy offense and the crowd is in love. So is Cena. This is grand.
Coach: I like this guy's energy. Do you have any third-generation bootleg DVDs of Bourne?
PC: Actually, I do. Back from commercial and Cena and Edge and beating on Sheamus. Edge tags in and takes control. Sydal is a great Face in Peril. Crowd is going crazy even before Bourne makes any false comebacks. Sheamus with a two-armed clothesline to cut off Bourne's first comeback. Edge tags in and further dominates.
Coach: I have no comments. This is a good match and I am tired from drinking all day.
PC: Bourne hits a big enzugiri on Edge. Both men are down.
Coach: It's like the end of Rocky II. If Rocky II was a tag team match.
PC: Hot tag to Cena. Cena beats on Sheamus and hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Sheamus with a powerslam. Sheamus with the charge into the corner but Bourne hits a kick. Cena with the Attitude Adjustment, dodges a spear by Edge, and tags in Bourne. Bourne hits the Air Bourne FOR THE WIN!
Coach: That's pretty rad flip.
Final Thoughts
Coach: Great Raw. Next week is Viewer's Choice. I have to start thinking about that right now. I want Evan Bourne vs. someone else who would dive at him from the top rope and they would collide in mid-air. How do I vote for that?
PC: Best Raw in quite awhile. R-Truth/Jericho, Miz/Danielson, and the Main Event were all really fun. Even then mixed tag was easy to watch this week. See you tomorrow night for the Season Finale of NXT!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Magnum TA vs. Tully Blanchard - "I Quit" Steel Cage Match - Starrcade '85
PC: Nowhere to run Coach. We're inside four sides of steel and I hope you left you panties at home.
Coach: Mullet!
PC: Yes, Magnum TA had a mullet.
Coach: I have heard of neither of these guys.
PC: Magnum TA was extremely popular and probably would have been a multiple-time world champion if he hadn't been in a career-ending car wreck. Blanchard was an asshole that's now a Born-Again.
Coach: Both these dudes are pretty hairy. You don't see that nowadays. The Cenas and Batistas of the world seem to wax before every match.
PC: They go right to it and there's nothing pretty about this one. Lots of clutching and punching.
Coach: The woman at ringside is COVERED in glitter. And again, the ring is stained with blood before the match even starts.
PC: In all honesty, it's probably the same dirty ring mat that they were using in the last match that we watched. Which took place two years before this one. Magnum TA in control in the early going.
Coach: I haven't seen enough use of the steel cage yet.
PC: This match is not about the cage. It's about hate.
Coach: The ref checks the mic in the middle of the match. I guess this one is being contested on the honor system. And by the way, the ref seems so bored. "Yep, just another night of fake reffing. Guess I should probably stop these guys from choking each other. Or not." You know, wrestling ref would be the perfect job for you.
PC: Coach, there is a great match going on here.
Coach: But look at the ref! "Hey guys, you can't do that. You shouldn't bite his head. *sigh* Whatever.
PC: Blanchard nails Magnum's open wound with the microphone and we hear an awesome dull impact. Tully punishes Magnum's cut with hard right hands.
Coach: Meanwhile, the ref gingerly returns the microphone to the corner. Next he'll be smoking a cigarette and leaning on the turnbuckle.
PC: Blanchard punches Magnum in the face with the microphone. He drops a couple elbows and it looks like all is lost until Magnum rolls out of the way. Magnum in control with some big punches of his own.
Coach: I'm wondering what kind of training the refs have to go through. "Do you like wrestling?" "Yes." "Okay, check. Can you take a fake punch to the face?" "Yes." "Good. Good. Can you count to three." "Yes." "Great, the job's yours."
PC: Both guys are on their knees in the middle of the ring, punching each other in the face. Magnum comes out on top and forces the microphone into Tully's face. Tully kicks him away and eventually hits a reverse atomic drop from the second rope.
Coach: If hitting a guy in the face with the microphone is legal, why even have the ref? Tully throws the useless, bored ref across the ring. Then he kicks him. Occupational hazard!
PC: Baby Doll throws a wooden folding chair into the ring and Tully breaks it. He then goes after Magnum with a sharp scrap of wood.
Coach: "Hey guys, ease up with the wooden stake stabbing."
PC: Magnum essentially say, "Fuck that." After kicking Tully away, Magnum grabs the sharp piece of wooden wreckage and absolutely gauges Tully's forehead. Blood is streaming out like a faucet.
Coach: Wow.
PC: Tully quits! We have a winner! The crowd loses their collective shit and so do I.
Final Thoughts
PC: An absolute classic.
Coach: Much more violent than I expected. Unlike the referee, I was highly entertained. Disappointed by the relative lack of steel cage use. However, this is more than off-set by the microphone and wooden stake usage.
PC: We will be back soon with more historic US Title matches that I also happen to own.
Coach: Mullet!
PC: Yes, Magnum TA had a mullet.
Coach: I have heard of neither of these guys.
PC: Magnum TA was extremely popular and probably would have been a multiple-time world champion if he hadn't been in a career-ending car wreck. Blanchard was an asshole that's now a Born-Again.
Coach: Both these dudes are pretty hairy. You don't see that nowadays. The Cenas and Batistas of the world seem to wax before every match.
PC: They go right to it and there's nothing pretty about this one. Lots of clutching and punching.
Coach: The woman at ringside is COVERED in glitter. And again, the ring is stained with blood before the match even starts.
PC: In all honesty, it's probably the same dirty ring mat that they were using in the last match that we watched. Which took place two years before this one. Magnum TA in control in the early going.
Coach: I haven't seen enough use of the steel cage yet.
PC: This match is not about the cage. It's about hate.
Coach: The ref checks the mic in the middle of the match. I guess this one is being contested on the honor system. And by the way, the ref seems so bored. "Yep, just another night of fake reffing. Guess I should probably stop these guys from choking each other. Or not." You know, wrestling ref would be the perfect job for you.
PC: Coach, there is a great match going on here.
Coach: But look at the ref! "Hey guys, you can't do that. You shouldn't bite his head. *sigh* Whatever.
PC: Blanchard nails Magnum's open wound with the microphone and we hear an awesome dull impact. Tully punishes Magnum's cut with hard right hands.
Coach: Meanwhile, the ref gingerly returns the microphone to the corner. Next he'll be smoking a cigarette and leaning on the turnbuckle.
PC: Blanchard punches Magnum in the face with the microphone. He drops a couple elbows and it looks like all is lost until Magnum rolls out of the way. Magnum in control with some big punches of his own.
Coach: I'm wondering what kind of training the refs have to go through. "Do you like wrestling?" "Yes." "Okay, check. Can you take a fake punch to the face?" "Yes." "Good. Good. Can you count to three." "Yes." "Great, the job's yours."
PC: Both guys are on their knees in the middle of the ring, punching each other in the face. Magnum comes out on top and forces the microphone into Tully's face. Tully kicks him away and eventually hits a reverse atomic drop from the second rope.
Coach: If hitting a guy in the face with the microphone is legal, why even have the ref? Tully throws the useless, bored ref across the ring. Then he kicks him. Occupational hazard!
PC: Baby Doll throws a wooden folding chair into the ring and Tully breaks it. He then goes after Magnum with a sharp scrap of wood.
Coach: "Hey guys, ease up with the wooden stake stabbing."
PC: Magnum essentially say, "Fuck that." After kicking Tully away, Magnum grabs the sharp piece of wooden wreckage and absolutely gauges Tully's forehead. Blood is streaming out like a faucet.
Coach: Wow.
PC: Tully quits! We have a winner! The crowd loses their collective shit and so do I.
Final Thoughts
PC: An absolute classic.
Coach: Much more violent than I expected. Unlike the referee, I was highly entertained. Disappointed by the relative lack of steel cage use. However, this is more than off-set by the microphone and wooden stake usage.
PC: We will be back soon with more historic US Title matches that I also happen to own.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Roddy Piper vs. Greg Valentine - Dog Collar Match - Starrcade '83
PC: We're back! Coffee! Wrestling! Dare I say, snacks? In honor of rapper/wrestler R-Truth winning the US Title, we will spend the next few days watching some classic bouts for this prestigious belt. Apparently it was the first major singles title of R-Truth's career. Guess those two NWA World Title reigns don't count...
Coach: Hey PC, what are you wearing for this momentous occasion?
PC: Oh, nothing special. Just my SWANK FUCKING BLACK AND GOLD TRACK SUIT! That's all. And what are you wearing?
Coach: Bathrobe. Two week beard.
PC: By the way, our little "marathon" isn't so much a "Best of the US Title" so much as "US Title matches that I have on DVD or was able to procure by other means." So, there you go.
Coach: Do you think we can get the cable guy to watch with us when he finally shows up?
PC: He's not gonna have much choice. Our first match up will be Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Greg "The Hammer" Valentine in a dog collar match. This contest comes to us all the way from 1983.
Coach: Let's get to it!
PC: Four seconds in and we are already abundantly aware that we are in the South. I just spit tobacco onto our floor and I'm not even chewing tobacco.
Coach: For those who will never ever see Greg Valentine, he is a blond, fat Conan O'Brien is Conan O'Brien were a woman and a lesbian. On that same note, homo-eroticism in wrestling is fairly well documented. The addition of linking these two men with a chain via dog collars is a whole new chapter.
PC: The bell rings and we start off with a sort of test of strength with the chain. Piper wins out by whipping Valentine with a length of the chain. Valentine returns the favor by whipping Piper. Then they say "fuck the chain" and punch each other in the face a couple times.
Coach: I notice that there was blood on the floor of the ring before the match even started.
PC: Valentine in control with big elbows and some chain-assisted offense.
Coach: Valentine uses the chain to rake Piper's eyes. Ouch. Piper then reverses and destroys Valentine with the chain. You could say that he will be one bloody Valentine at the end of this match.
PC: You could, but you shouldn't.
Coach: But look, he's bloody!
PC: Valentine chokes Piper. Not like a sleeper hold, but a hands around the throat, Piper's face is totally red choke. They beat the hell out of each other at ringside as the big-haired ladies in the front gasp and succumb to the vapors.
Coach: The cable guy has arrived and he does not seem interested in watching wrestling.
PC: He also doesn't seem very interested in fixing our cable.
Coach: Back to the match!
PC: Valentine punches Piper in the ear and throws him around outside the ring. Both guys are bleeding fairly profusely.
Coach: Pre-AIDS wrestling. Blood everywhere, dog collars, whipping with chains. The only "protection" in sight is their knee pads.
PC: Piper gets a couple flurries in, but Valentine is firmly in control. Piper counters by pulling Valentine down with the chain. He goes nuts and nails Valentine several times with the chain.
Coach: You can't hear what Piper is saying, but I'm pretty sure it's "Put on the glasses!"
PC: Valentine isn't done yet. He clubs Piper in the ear but Piper is having none of it.
Coach: The announcers talk about how Piper is losing the match physically but winning the match psychologically. I always appreciate a little ringside psychoanalysis.
PC: A suplex leads to a near-double KO. They get to their feet, trade punches, and Valentine ends up putting Piper in a sleeper hold.
Coach: If WWE is like McDonalds, was NWA Burger King?
PC: It's more of a Cracker Barrel. Piper nails Valentine viciously with the chain and then uses the chain for assistance in pinning Valentine!
Coach: But that's not all. Valentine jumps Piper after the match and chokes him with the chain. The crowd is crowding around the barrier and yelling so loud that you can clearly hear what they're saying in the in-ring microphone. That's what a wrestling crowd should be.
Final Thoughts
Coach: Piper wins the moral victory, the psychological victory, and the physical victory.
PC: But Valentine wins the "Awesome Hair" victory. We will continue our marathon this afternoon. Check back this weekend for more awesomely available US Title matches.
Coach: Hey PC, what are you wearing for this momentous occasion?
PC: Oh, nothing special. Just my SWANK FUCKING BLACK AND GOLD TRACK SUIT! That's all. And what are you wearing?
Coach: Bathrobe. Two week beard.
PC: By the way, our little "marathon" isn't so much a "Best of the US Title" so much as "US Title matches that I have on DVD or was able to procure by other means." So, there you go.
Coach: Do you think we can get the cable guy to watch with us when he finally shows up?
PC: He's not gonna have much choice. Our first match up will be Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Greg "The Hammer" Valentine in a dog collar match. This contest comes to us all the way from 1983.
Coach: Let's get to it!
PC: Four seconds in and we are already abundantly aware that we are in the South. I just spit tobacco onto our floor and I'm not even chewing tobacco.
Coach: For those who will never ever see Greg Valentine, he is a blond, fat Conan O'Brien is Conan O'Brien were a woman and a lesbian. On that same note, homo-eroticism in wrestling is fairly well documented. The addition of linking these two men with a chain via dog collars is a whole new chapter.
PC: The bell rings and we start off with a sort of test of strength with the chain. Piper wins out by whipping Valentine with a length of the chain. Valentine returns the favor by whipping Piper. Then they say "fuck the chain" and punch each other in the face a couple times.
Coach: I notice that there was blood on the floor of the ring before the match even started.
PC: Valentine in control with big elbows and some chain-assisted offense.
Coach: Valentine uses the chain to rake Piper's eyes. Ouch. Piper then reverses and destroys Valentine with the chain. You could say that he will be one bloody Valentine at the end of this match.
PC: You could, but you shouldn't.
Coach: But look, he's bloody!
PC: Valentine chokes Piper. Not like a sleeper hold, but a hands around the throat, Piper's face is totally red choke. They beat the hell out of each other at ringside as the big-haired ladies in the front gasp and succumb to the vapors.
Coach: The cable guy has arrived and he does not seem interested in watching wrestling.
PC: He also doesn't seem very interested in fixing our cable.
Coach: Back to the match!
PC: Valentine punches Piper in the ear and throws him around outside the ring. Both guys are bleeding fairly profusely.
Coach: Pre-AIDS wrestling. Blood everywhere, dog collars, whipping with chains. The only "protection" in sight is their knee pads.
PC: Piper gets a couple flurries in, but Valentine is firmly in control. Piper counters by pulling Valentine down with the chain. He goes nuts and nails Valentine several times with the chain.
Coach: You can't hear what Piper is saying, but I'm pretty sure it's "Put on the glasses!"
PC: Valentine isn't done yet. He clubs Piper in the ear but Piper is having none of it.
Coach: The announcers talk about how Piper is losing the match physically but winning the match psychologically. I always appreciate a little ringside psychoanalysis.
PC: A suplex leads to a near-double KO. They get to their feet, trade punches, and Valentine ends up putting Piper in a sleeper hold.
Coach: If WWE is like McDonalds, was NWA Burger King?
PC: It's more of a Cracker Barrel. Piper nails Valentine viciously with the chain and then uses the chain for assistance in pinning Valentine!
Coach: But that's not all. Valentine jumps Piper after the match and chokes him with the chain. The crowd is crowding around the barrier and yelling so loud that you can clearly hear what they're saying in the in-ring microphone. That's what a wrestling crowd should be.
Final Thoughts
Coach: Piper wins the moral victory, the psychological victory, and the physical victory.
PC: But Valentine wins the "Awesome Hair" victory. We will continue our marathon this afternoon. Check back this weekend for more awesomely available US Title matches.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
WWE NXT 5//25/10
Coach: For the second night in a row, I have been left to write this blog on my own. Perhaps PC just can’t find the heart to quit work and watch NXT because Daniel Bryan got eliminated. Whatever the reason, there’s no excuse for missing tonight’s edition of NXT, which will be the most important NXT of all time.
”PC”: Don’t worry, Bryan Danielsan will be on tonight so he can not apologize to Cole’s face.
Coach: Darren Young looks like a really tan Cena, I’m very sad to see that he was eliminated, by the way, thank you WWE for recap highlight packages that extend back for weeks.
“PC”: R-Truth! WHATS UP! WHATS UP!
Coach: WHATS UP! to the new United States Champion.
“PC”: There’s 4 rookies left and the fatal 4way is coming up, coincidence?
Coach: Yes. Cole announces that next week is the season finale, just in time for the NBA finals, thank God.
”PC”: Here comes the “who should be eliminated” portion of the show, beware rookies, it’s a trick question (hint: don’t say yourself).
Coach: This time no one makes that mistake, instead they all take the opportunity to insult each other horrendously. Suns up 64-55 at the half.
R-Truth! WHATS UP! & David Otunga vs. Christian & Heath Slater (hehe Hard Rain)
“PC”: We start w/ Slater v. Truth, even so far. Truth fits in a quick ‘what’s up’ and tags otunga.
Coach: Slater, the one man rock band clashes with a-list otunga, Christian tags in.
“PC”: You know, Bret Hart was the United States champ but he gave it up to become general manager.
Coach: Had to be tough to walk away from that title.
“PC”: Otunga takes a couple bitch slaps from Christian, who is dominating him. He tags slater, who continues the domination. Kickouts and last second rope grabs ensue.
Coach: They know this is an hour show right?
”PC”: Otunga surprisingly pins slater. They play R-Truth’s song in victory.
ALL: WHATS UP!
Coach: I wonder what the pros will think of this match.
“PC”: Really?
Coach: No, all I’m looking forward to is Daniel Bryan’s “apology”
“PC”: We’re back from commercial, Michael Cole in the middle of the ring w/ several security guards.
Coach: Here we go…Michael Cole even sets up a highlight package for the showdown, should be very convenient come suing time.
“PC”: Here comes Bryan Danielsan, YES! Oh…Bryan actually apologizes. This is the height of the male soap opera.
Coach: They actually shook hands…………NOT! Daniel Bryan: “I’m sorry……that you’re the worst announcer of all time!!!”
“PC”: Now it’s turning into a shouting match, they’re in each other’s faces. One of them might cry. Cole calls Bryan a loser, he goes beserk and tackles cole, “hurts” him. The security was pretty quick to get him off though.
Coach: On his way out, Bryan goes after the Miz, roughs him up. Bryan Danielsan has gone nuts.
“PC”: AMERICAN DRAGON!
Coach: Cut to commercial as Bryan is taken out of the venue, Suns up 5 with 6 mins left in the 3rd.
Wade Barrett vs. Justin Gabriel
“PC”: Mandela wants us to win the world cup!
Coach: Barrett is dominating early, Jericho yells at the announcers, says they should talk about Barrett’s abs. The tide turns (so unexpectedly too) Gabriel starts kicking barrett and gets him on the mat with some big airs. Kickouts, kickouts, kickouts. Gabriel wins by doing a front flip onto Barrett’s chest.
“PC”: A fine match.
Coach: Thank you for contributing. Commercial time, Burger King has ribs now. PC, I think I smell a new fast food adventure.
“PC”: “BK ribs Saturday” doesn’t sound as good as “Double Down Saturday”, but I’m interested nonetheless. Just like “Ridley Scott with Russel Crowe” isn’t as good as “Ridley Scott without Russell Crowe”.
Coach: You’re just picking nits.
“PC”: You’re stuffing this blog with inside jokes.
Coach: Touche, imaginary PC. We come back to a 20 minute highlight package of what happened last night on raw with batista. The announcer says the pros will now decide who will be eliminated, back to commercial.
“PC”: Hour long show, 10 minutes of wrestling.
Coach: We’re back, it’s elimination time. Barrett is safe (shit I don’t like him). Otunga is number two (he’s actually kinda funny). AND….Heath Slater, the one man rock band, is eliminated.
“PC”: Gabriel still has a chance to win the world cup.
Coach: Christian, Heath’s pro, has a few nice gushy words to say. Miz rips him for having no heart and being inconsistent. R-truth (what’s up) better luck next time he says. Jericho says he’ll be frank, his guy is gonna win. Heath says he’s not going anywhere, that the one man rock band will have an encore.
Final Thoughts
“PC”: Overall a weak show, just like American Gangster.
Coach: Let’s get BK ribs and go see Robin Hood.
”PC”: Don’t worry, Bryan Danielsan will be on tonight so he can not apologize to Cole’s face.
Coach: Darren Young looks like a really tan Cena, I’m very sad to see that he was eliminated, by the way, thank you WWE for recap highlight packages that extend back for weeks.
“PC”: R-Truth! WHATS UP! WHATS UP!
Coach: WHATS UP! to the new United States Champion.
“PC”: There’s 4 rookies left and the fatal 4way is coming up, coincidence?
Coach: Yes. Cole announces that next week is the season finale, just in time for the NBA finals, thank God.
”PC”: Here comes the “who should be eliminated” portion of the show, beware rookies, it’s a trick question (hint: don’t say yourself).
Coach: This time no one makes that mistake, instead they all take the opportunity to insult each other horrendously. Suns up 64-55 at the half.
R-Truth! WHATS UP! & David Otunga vs. Christian & Heath Slater (hehe Hard Rain)
“PC”: We start w/ Slater v. Truth, even so far. Truth fits in a quick ‘what’s up’ and tags otunga.
Coach: Slater, the one man rock band clashes with a-list otunga, Christian tags in.
“PC”: You know, Bret Hart was the United States champ but he gave it up to become general manager.
Coach: Had to be tough to walk away from that title.
“PC”: Otunga takes a couple bitch slaps from Christian, who is dominating him. He tags slater, who continues the domination. Kickouts and last second rope grabs ensue.
Coach: They know this is an hour show right?
”PC”: Otunga surprisingly pins slater. They play R-Truth’s song in victory.
ALL: WHATS UP!
Coach: I wonder what the pros will think of this match.
“PC”: Really?
Coach: No, all I’m looking forward to is Daniel Bryan’s “apology”
“PC”: We’re back from commercial, Michael Cole in the middle of the ring w/ several security guards.
Coach: Here we go…Michael Cole even sets up a highlight package for the showdown, should be very convenient come suing time.
“PC”: Here comes Bryan Danielsan, YES! Oh…Bryan actually apologizes. This is the height of the male soap opera.
Coach: They actually shook hands…………NOT! Daniel Bryan: “I’m sorry……that you’re the worst announcer of all time!!!”
“PC”: Now it’s turning into a shouting match, they’re in each other’s faces. One of them might cry. Cole calls Bryan a loser, he goes beserk and tackles cole, “hurts” him. The security was pretty quick to get him off though.
Coach: On his way out, Bryan goes after the Miz, roughs him up. Bryan Danielsan has gone nuts.
“PC”: AMERICAN DRAGON!
Coach: Cut to commercial as Bryan is taken out of the venue, Suns up 5 with 6 mins left in the 3rd.
Wade Barrett vs. Justin Gabriel
“PC”: Mandela wants us to win the world cup!
Coach: Barrett is dominating early, Jericho yells at the announcers, says they should talk about Barrett’s abs. The tide turns (so unexpectedly too) Gabriel starts kicking barrett and gets him on the mat with some big airs. Kickouts, kickouts, kickouts. Gabriel wins by doing a front flip onto Barrett’s chest.
“PC”: A fine match.
Coach: Thank you for contributing. Commercial time, Burger King has ribs now. PC, I think I smell a new fast food adventure.
“PC”: “BK ribs Saturday” doesn’t sound as good as “Double Down Saturday”, but I’m interested nonetheless. Just like “Ridley Scott with Russel Crowe” isn’t as good as “Ridley Scott without Russell Crowe”.
Coach: You’re just picking nits.
“PC”: You’re stuffing this blog with inside jokes.
Coach: Touche, imaginary PC. We come back to a 20 minute highlight package of what happened last night on raw with batista. The announcer says the pros will now decide who will be eliminated, back to commercial.
“PC”: Hour long show, 10 minutes of wrestling.
Coach: We’re back, it’s elimination time. Barrett is safe (shit I don’t like him). Otunga is number two (he’s actually kinda funny). AND….Heath Slater, the one man rock band, is eliminated.
“PC”: Gabriel still has a chance to win the world cup.
Coach: Christian, Heath’s pro, has a few nice gushy words to say. Miz rips him for having no heart and being inconsistent. R-truth (what’s up) better luck next time he says. Jericho says he’ll be frank, his guy is gonna win. Heath says he’s not going anywhere, that the one man rock band will have an encore.
Final Thoughts
“PC”: Overall a weak show, just like American Gangster.
Coach: Let’s get BK ribs and go see Robin Hood.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
WWE RAW 5/24/10
Coach: Well gracious readers, it’s just me tonight (finally) for this edition of “PC and Coach watch wrestling”-actually, for tonight let’s make it “Coach and PC watch wrestling”. That’s more like it. If anyone is concerned that the blog entry just won’t be the same without Mr. “PC”, whatever that stands for, have no fear. I am fully capable of replicating all of his thoughts, moods and reactions through my own words. Here we go…
Tonight’s Raw Host is…comedian and singer(?) JOHN LOVITZ
“PC”: Coach, let’s watch some wrestling.
Coach: We already are.
“PC”: I know, but let’s watch more wrestling while we watch this. I just downloaded a Japanese match with 20 women and barbed wire. I’ve seen some of it, quite a match thus far.
Coach: Let’s just focus on Raw for now. We should also focus a little bit on game 4 of the Celtics-Magic series. I will flip back and forth between the two (Orlando leads as I write this).
“PC”: Absolutely not, we have to watch only wrestling and wrestling fan-targeted advertising, no exceptions.
Coach: Sorry, you’re not here. There’s nothing you can do about it. And for those of you who question my dedication, PC, a bona fide wrestling dork, wouldn’t even skip out on work to be here tonight. What a fair-weather wrestling fan.
“PC”: I’m gonna make you watch so much wrestling when I get back.
RAW begins…live from Toledo, OH
Coach: I haven’t watched raw in the last few, weeks luckily they started the show with a highlight package. Apparently Cena and Batista are still feuding, there was a car involved.
“PC”: Look at their hair and their clothes!
Coach: Hey that’s my line. Batista is the first to come out. Dear readers, please burn down cablevision, USA is coming in glitch and spotty. Tista has a sling on, Lawler says his last match with cena was the most vicious and intense to ever occur between the two. I believe him.
“PC”: This reminds me of match I saw-
Coach: Don’t even start.
“PC”: Racist!
Coach: English major! Batista continues to whine about cena and how much his vag hurts, suddenly they announce the new “manager” of Monday Night Raw….Brett Hart.
“PC”: They finally found a way to include him so that there’s slightly less of a chance that he’ll die in the ring.
Coach: He looks like he’s about to die right now. The Hitman issues a challenge…
Batista v. Orton to qualify for the Fatal Fourway
Coach: Batista forfeits on the account that he is injured. He threatens to quit the WWE.
“PC”: This could be it.
Coach: He did it, Tista quit the WWE. Probably shouldn’t have asked the audience whether or not he should have. He leaves in a wheelchair. Lawler: “is this the last time we see batista?”
“PC”: Again, I believe everything Lawler says. This is the most surprising thing to ever happen to the WWE.
Coach: A couple minutes into the 2nd, Orlando leads by 6…
“PC”: Hey!
Coach: What would be more surprising, Batista coming back to the WWE after quitting or Orlando winning game 4?
“PC”: Batista, seriously, he did not get resigned this year.
Mark Henry v. Sheamus to qualify for the fatal 4way
Coach: Quite the contrast.
“PC”: Careful Coach, I’m not here to censor you. Mark Henry appears in control of the match thus far. Sheamus neutralizes his power with some cheap leg kicks. He also works on Henry’s previously injured shoulder. Great match thus far.
Coach: I need to get myself one of those “WSM” leotards.
“PC”: Mark Henry goes for the pin, but, we have a kickout. Sheamus escapes a bodyslam due to Henry’s injured shoulder, he kicks Henry and pins him. Sheamus is on his way to the fatal 4way, which is at the Nassau Colliseum in nearby Long Island, you hear that Coach?
Coach: I have something to do that weekend. Commercial break time to check score Orlando up 8 with 6 left in the 2nd.
Later: United States Championship, R-Truth v. Miz
“PC”: WHATS UP!
Coach: WHATS UP!
“PC”: The United States Championship! Raw is pulling out all the stops tonight!
Coach: Where’s John Lovitz? Ah! We come back from commercial and Lawler lets me know that he’s hosting a talent contest with all the superstars. We come back to Lovitz with a Diva innuendos (more like direct sexual references) ensue. Lovitz is plugging his new comedy club and trying to teach a diva some French.
“PC”: In more important news, the Hitman and Edge are also backstage discussing the last vacant spot in the fatal 4way. Jericho butts in, he’s mad, demands to be in the fatal 4way. Hitman lays down the law, Cena v. Jericho v. Edge to qualify for the 4way tonight.
Coach: Hitman could potentially make some enemies with this new job, I know this because Jericho subtly pointed it out.
“PC”: Lost sucks.
Coach: I agree. Commercial time. Orlando up 4 with 2:45 to go in the half.
“PC”: We come back live to a divas match, Coach please change to the Orlando-Boston game.
Coach: I thought you’d never ask. Just over a minute to go in the half, Magic up by 6, playing some good D but eating up fouls. Back to Raw, some chicks won because the ref’s back was turned.
“PC”: We are treated to a highlight package of the hart foundation’s domination Miz and Jericho. Miz v. R-Truth is next.
Coach: R-Truth is wearing a shirt that says “stand up and say ‘what’s up’”, I’m excited. 26 seconds left in the half Orlando still up 6, Pierce on the line.
“PC”: You’re moving back and forth between the two too fast, pretty soon you wont be able to tell which one is which and have an aneurism.
Coach: No I won’t because you’re my constant. Half: Magic 51, Celtics 47
NEXT Match R-Truth v. Miz
“PC”: WHATS UP!
Coach: WHATS UP! R-Truth came out first. His didn’t quite get all the way into the microphone. Now Miz is out.
“PC”: “I’m awesome” is not quite as good as “what’s up”. The match starts with Miz taking control with some punching, almost pins him right out.
Coach: Commercial break, I wonder how they pass the time during these breaks? Dwight Howard: 17 – 5 at the half.
“PC”: They probably listen to “sexy boy”. We’re back Miz has R-truth outside of the ring after truth missed a dive. Truth kicks out of a pin, Miz puts him into a submission.
Coach: This is for the “prestigious” united states championship” lawler says.
“PC”: Truth makes some efforts to come back but Miz remains in control as he always has through this match thus far. Miz argues with a ref and gets distracted, truth takes advantage and slams him. We have several kickouts by both.
Coach: Both young men are quite determined to win this meaningless belt.
“PC”: Crowd starts cheering “whats up, whats up” truth connects with a lie detector, pins Miz and wins his first title. WHATS UP
Coach: WHATS UP! we geta highlight package of what happened earlier with batista, who quit the WWE…FOREVER. Interview time with Cena, he’s psyched about “closure” with batista and pissed about Sheamus, who isn’t. When does John Lovitz come back.
“PC”: That’s the ticket!
Coach: Commercial break, I change to game 4 to see howard alley oop and then block a shot. Orlando still up 6 three minutes into the half. Alright back to Raw, Jon Lovitz time, he’s hosting a talent show and he’s flanked by two lovely divas
“PC”: I hope R-truth raps for his talent.
Coach: First two contestants: a duet with between the Gret Kali and a leprechaun singing “putting on the ritz” while in tuxedos. Hilarious. They are eliminated.
“PC”: Next contestant: some diva, gets eliminated immediately.
Coach: Lovitz turns to the audience for talent, some rando dude comes on stage. Says he can pull his eye out of his face. He goes for it, pulls out his fake eye, it’s real gross. Suddenly, a well dressed Ted DiBiase comes out apparently, he wants the fake eyeball. Tries to buy it. Now Santino comes out, I can’t keep up. Santino uses some sort pressure point to incapacitate DiBiase’s servant then DiBiase slams Santino and Lovitz declares him the winner of the talent contest.
“PC”: I can’t believe my eye!
Coach: Commercial break, Orlando up by 4 with 4:30 to go in the 3rd. Back from commercial, they’re talking about Smackdown…
“PC”: I don’t care.
Hart Dynasty v. Kozlov and Regal
Coach: BORING, Regal looks old.
“PC”: Hart Attack! Dynasty pins and wins, but wait…some action after the pin. Some wrestlers that Coach has never heard of take out the harts and stand over them, cut to commercial.
Coach: Orlando up only 1, less than a minute in the 3rd. My attention span for wrestling is running thin.
“PC”: There’s one more match and it’s the main event: a threeway to decide the fourway. We can’t miss it.
Coach: I must endure one more match. We come back to an interview with the final 4 nxt rookies remaining. They talk about who will be eliminated next.
“PC”: None of this matters, Bryan Danielsan will destroy all of them. Slater and Otunga get into it.
Coach: We are treated to a replay of Bryan Danielsan going crazy on Michael Cole, About time somebody did something. Cole says that he will demand a public apology from danielsan tomorrow night. If he doesn’t get it, he’s gonna sue danielsan.
“PC”: Jericho tries to scheme backstage with Edge against Cena, backfires, Edge is out for himself. Commercial time.
Coach: Rasheed gets a technical (again), Orlando up by 3 with 10 mins left. And we’re back…
3way to decide the 4way, Jericho v. Edge v. Cena
“PC”: Cena come out first, then Edge, then Jericho. These three are all big names.
Coach: Dare I call this the most important match of all time?
“PC”: At least until the fatal 4way.
Coach: Cena bust out with punches for both opponents, clears the ring within a minute. They get back in, double clothesline each other.
“PC”: Edge is kicked out the ring again and Jericho goes to work on Cena in the corner. A couple kickouts and submissions ensue. No one person is really in control of this one. Cena gets mad, starts to dominate Jericho. Edge comes in and tries to spear Cean but misses and hits Jericho. The three trade submissions, this looks kinda sloppy altogether. Cena goes for the attitude adjustment on Jericho but is speared by Edge in the process. More kickouts and failed signature moves. Oh the drama. Edge wins after spearing Jericho while Cena is temporarily dazed on the ground. Edge advances to the 4way.
Coach: Uh oh, here comes Sheamus, about to hate on Cena, soon after comes Orton, smelling the hate.
Final Thoughts:
“PC”: Fatal 4way, Sheamus, Orton, Cena and Edge. Coach I know you’re tempted to go.
Coach: I kinda am. Must watch game though Magic up by one with 4 mins left.
Tonight’s Raw Host is…comedian and singer(?) JOHN LOVITZ
“PC”: Coach, let’s watch some wrestling.
Coach: We already are.
“PC”: I know, but let’s watch more wrestling while we watch this. I just downloaded a Japanese match with 20 women and barbed wire. I’ve seen some of it, quite a match thus far.
Coach: Let’s just focus on Raw for now. We should also focus a little bit on game 4 of the Celtics-Magic series. I will flip back and forth between the two (Orlando leads as I write this).
“PC”: Absolutely not, we have to watch only wrestling and wrestling fan-targeted advertising, no exceptions.
Coach: Sorry, you’re not here. There’s nothing you can do about it. And for those of you who question my dedication, PC, a bona fide wrestling dork, wouldn’t even skip out on work to be here tonight. What a fair-weather wrestling fan.
“PC”: I’m gonna make you watch so much wrestling when I get back.
RAW begins…live from Toledo, OH
Coach: I haven’t watched raw in the last few, weeks luckily they started the show with a highlight package. Apparently Cena and Batista are still feuding, there was a car involved.
“PC”: Look at their hair and their clothes!
Coach: Hey that’s my line. Batista is the first to come out. Dear readers, please burn down cablevision, USA is coming in glitch and spotty. Tista has a sling on, Lawler says his last match with cena was the most vicious and intense to ever occur between the two. I believe him.
“PC”: This reminds me of match I saw-
Coach: Don’t even start.
“PC”: Racist!
Coach: English major! Batista continues to whine about cena and how much his vag hurts, suddenly they announce the new “manager” of Monday Night Raw….Brett Hart.
“PC”: They finally found a way to include him so that there’s slightly less of a chance that he’ll die in the ring.
Coach: He looks like he’s about to die right now. The Hitman issues a challenge…
Batista v. Orton to qualify for the Fatal Fourway
Coach: Batista forfeits on the account that he is injured. He threatens to quit the WWE.
“PC”: This could be it.
Coach: He did it, Tista quit the WWE. Probably shouldn’t have asked the audience whether or not he should have. He leaves in a wheelchair. Lawler: “is this the last time we see batista?”
“PC”: Again, I believe everything Lawler says. This is the most surprising thing to ever happen to the WWE.
Coach: A couple minutes into the 2nd, Orlando leads by 6…
“PC”: Hey!
Coach: What would be more surprising, Batista coming back to the WWE after quitting or Orlando winning game 4?
“PC”: Batista, seriously, he did not get resigned this year.
Mark Henry v. Sheamus to qualify for the fatal 4way
Coach: Quite the contrast.
“PC”: Careful Coach, I’m not here to censor you. Mark Henry appears in control of the match thus far. Sheamus neutralizes his power with some cheap leg kicks. He also works on Henry’s previously injured shoulder. Great match thus far.
Coach: I need to get myself one of those “WSM” leotards.
“PC”: Mark Henry goes for the pin, but, we have a kickout. Sheamus escapes a bodyslam due to Henry’s injured shoulder, he kicks Henry and pins him. Sheamus is on his way to the fatal 4way, which is at the Nassau Colliseum in nearby Long Island, you hear that Coach?
Coach: I have something to do that weekend. Commercial break time to check score Orlando up 8 with 6 left in the 2nd.
Later: United States Championship, R-Truth v. Miz
“PC”: WHATS UP!
Coach: WHATS UP!
“PC”: The United States Championship! Raw is pulling out all the stops tonight!
Coach: Where’s John Lovitz? Ah! We come back from commercial and Lawler lets me know that he’s hosting a talent contest with all the superstars. We come back to Lovitz with a Diva innuendos (more like direct sexual references) ensue. Lovitz is plugging his new comedy club and trying to teach a diva some French.
“PC”: In more important news, the Hitman and Edge are also backstage discussing the last vacant spot in the fatal 4way. Jericho butts in, he’s mad, demands to be in the fatal 4way. Hitman lays down the law, Cena v. Jericho v. Edge to qualify for the 4way tonight.
Coach: Hitman could potentially make some enemies with this new job, I know this because Jericho subtly pointed it out.
“PC”: Lost sucks.
Coach: I agree. Commercial time. Orlando up 4 with 2:45 to go in the half.
“PC”: We come back live to a divas match, Coach please change to the Orlando-Boston game.
Coach: I thought you’d never ask. Just over a minute to go in the half, Magic up by 6, playing some good D but eating up fouls. Back to Raw, some chicks won because the ref’s back was turned.
“PC”: We are treated to a highlight package of the hart foundation’s domination Miz and Jericho. Miz v. R-Truth is next.
Coach: R-Truth is wearing a shirt that says “stand up and say ‘what’s up’”, I’m excited. 26 seconds left in the half Orlando still up 6, Pierce on the line.
“PC”: You’re moving back and forth between the two too fast, pretty soon you wont be able to tell which one is which and have an aneurism.
Coach: No I won’t because you’re my constant. Half: Magic 51, Celtics 47
NEXT Match R-Truth v. Miz
“PC”: WHATS UP!
Coach: WHATS UP! R-Truth came out first. His didn’t quite get all the way into the microphone. Now Miz is out.
“PC”: “I’m awesome” is not quite as good as “what’s up”. The match starts with Miz taking control with some punching, almost pins him right out.
Coach: Commercial break, I wonder how they pass the time during these breaks? Dwight Howard: 17 – 5 at the half.
“PC”: They probably listen to “sexy boy”. We’re back Miz has R-truth outside of the ring after truth missed a dive. Truth kicks out of a pin, Miz puts him into a submission.
Coach: This is for the “prestigious” united states championship” lawler says.
“PC”: Truth makes some efforts to come back but Miz remains in control as he always has through this match thus far. Miz argues with a ref and gets distracted, truth takes advantage and slams him. We have several kickouts by both.
Coach: Both young men are quite determined to win this meaningless belt.
“PC”: Crowd starts cheering “whats up, whats up” truth connects with a lie detector, pins Miz and wins his first title. WHATS UP
Coach: WHATS UP! we geta highlight package of what happened earlier with batista, who quit the WWE…FOREVER. Interview time with Cena, he’s psyched about “closure” with batista and pissed about Sheamus, who isn’t. When does John Lovitz come back.
“PC”: That’s the ticket!
Coach: Commercial break, I change to game 4 to see howard alley oop and then block a shot. Orlando still up 6 three minutes into the half. Alright back to Raw, Jon Lovitz time, he’s hosting a talent show and he’s flanked by two lovely divas
“PC”: I hope R-truth raps for his talent.
Coach: First two contestants: a duet with between the Gret Kali and a leprechaun singing “putting on the ritz” while in tuxedos. Hilarious. They are eliminated.
“PC”: Next contestant: some diva, gets eliminated immediately.
Coach: Lovitz turns to the audience for talent, some rando dude comes on stage. Says he can pull his eye out of his face. He goes for it, pulls out his fake eye, it’s real gross. Suddenly, a well dressed Ted DiBiase comes out apparently, he wants the fake eyeball. Tries to buy it. Now Santino comes out, I can’t keep up. Santino uses some sort pressure point to incapacitate DiBiase’s servant then DiBiase slams Santino and Lovitz declares him the winner of the talent contest.
“PC”: I can’t believe my eye!
Coach: Commercial break, Orlando up by 4 with 4:30 to go in the 3rd. Back from commercial, they’re talking about Smackdown…
“PC”: I don’t care.
Hart Dynasty v. Kozlov and Regal
Coach: BORING, Regal looks old.
“PC”: Hart Attack! Dynasty pins and wins, but wait…some action after the pin. Some wrestlers that Coach has never heard of take out the harts and stand over them, cut to commercial.
Coach: Orlando up only 1, less than a minute in the 3rd. My attention span for wrestling is running thin.
“PC”: There’s one more match and it’s the main event: a threeway to decide the fourway. We can’t miss it.
Coach: I must endure one more match. We come back to an interview with the final 4 nxt rookies remaining. They talk about who will be eliminated next.
“PC”: None of this matters, Bryan Danielsan will destroy all of them. Slater and Otunga get into it.
Coach: We are treated to a replay of Bryan Danielsan going crazy on Michael Cole, About time somebody did something. Cole says that he will demand a public apology from danielsan tomorrow night. If he doesn’t get it, he’s gonna sue danielsan.
“PC”: Jericho tries to scheme backstage with Edge against Cena, backfires, Edge is out for himself. Commercial time.
Coach: Rasheed gets a technical (again), Orlando up by 3 with 10 mins left. And we’re back…
3way to decide the 4way, Jericho v. Edge v. Cena
“PC”: Cena come out first, then Edge, then Jericho. These three are all big names.
Coach: Dare I call this the most important match of all time?
“PC”: At least until the fatal 4way.
Coach: Cena bust out with punches for both opponents, clears the ring within a minute. They get back in, double clothesline each other.
“PC”: Edge is kicked out the ring again and Jericho goes to work on Cena in the corner. A couple kickouts and submissions ensue. No one person is really in control of this one. Cena gets mad, starts to dominate Jericho. Edge comes in and tries to spear Cean but misses and hits Jericho. The three trade submissions, this looks kinda sloppy altogether. Cena goes for the attitude adjustment on Jericho but is speared by Edge in the process. More kickouts and failed signature moves. Oh the drama. Edge wins after spearing Jericho while Cena is temporarily dazed on the ground. Edge advances to the 4way.
Coach: Uh oh, here comes Sheamus, about to hate on Cena, soon after comes Orton, smelling the hate.
Final Thoughts:
“PC”: Fatal 4way, Sheamus, Orton, Cena and Edge. Coach I know you’re tempted to go.
Coach: I kinda am. Must watch game though Magic up by one with 4 mins left.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Cactus Jack vs. Sabu ECW 6/24/94
PC: For the record, Coach put this on of his own volition. I think he has Stockholm Syndrome at this week.
Coach: Or according to Die Hard, Helsinki Syndrome. As in Helsinki, Sweden.
PC: Foley was out of his mind at this point. Sabu was even more reckless with his body. Instead of being the guy who gets punched in the face, he was the guy who threw himself off the top rope to the outside through a table.
Coach: ECW, huh.
PC: I have been to the ECW arena. It is awesome in the most trashy way possible. Match starts with Sabu hitting a leg lariat and locking in a headlock.
Coach: When are we going to watch a Roddy Piper match?
PC: Soon! Calm down Coach. Sabu knocks Foley to the outside and begins to hit Foley with a plastic chair.
Coach: Sabu seems to be what Randy Orton is going for these days. And out of control loose cannon that hates on everyone. Only Orton has more tattoos and is a pussy.
PC: Sabu with a huge suicide dive to the outside the drives both into the metal guard rail.
Coach: Which Sabu tattoo is your favorite? Mine is the gigantic scar across his abs.
PC: Goes to the jumping well one too many times and ends up eating a Cactus Jack elbow. Cactus clothesline and both end up on the outside. Foley hits Sabu about as hard as you can hit someone with a plastic chair and then drops the elbow from the apron to the floor.
Coach: A fan is drinking a PBR in the crowd. Nice.
PC: Foley smacks Sabu across the back with a frying pan and then smacks his own head with it. Foley goes to the top but misses with a flipping senton. Sabu hits a slingshot legdrop for two.
Coach: Other than his crawling around, I haven't seen much Sabu craziness yet.
PC: Suplex reversals by both until they tumble to the outside. Joey Styles is especially annoying during the match. Sabu sets up Foley on a table and hits a leg drop off the guard rail.
Coach: As they lay on the ground, we see no less than four pairs of jorts being worn by crowd members.
PC: Foley hotshots Sabu on the guard rail.
Coach: We see two more pairs of jorts.
PC: 911 interferes and sets up Foley on a table. Sabu hits an Asai moonsault off the second rope to the outside and busts Foley through the table. He also nails his jaw on the guardrail. Finish comes when Foley hits a splash in the corner and Paul E. Dangerously nails him with an old-timey cell phone. Sabu falls on top of Foley for the win.
Coach: That's one app that the iPhone doesn't have...kill.
PC: Post match, Foley cleans house including a disgusting unprotected chair shot on 911's head. Locker room empties and Sabu hits an out of control tope con hilo to the outside. Foley hits Sabu with a piledriver near the concession stand. Sabu breaks a beer bottle over Foley's head and cuts his own hand open in the process.
Coach: Ouch.
PC: Sabu throws Foley facefirst through a propped up table. Sabu hits a sloppy moonsault. But Jack is up. He suplexes the broken table onto Sabu. And things finally seem to end.
Final Thoughts
Coach: How did that end? Who won? I'm exhausted.
PC: Welcome to ECW. Not the best from either guy, but certainly fun stuff. Sabu works best in music video highlight form.
Coach: Or according to Die Hard, Helsinki Syndrome. As in Helsinki, Sweden.
PC: Foley was out of his mind at this point. Sabu was even more reckless with his body. Instead of being the guy who gets punched in the face, he was the guy who threw himself off the top rope to the outside through a table.
Coach: ECW, huh.
PC: I have been to the ECW arena. It is awesome in the most trashy way possible. Match starts with Sabu hitting a leg lariat and locking in a headlock.
Coach: When are we going to watch a Roddy Piper match?
PC: Soon! Calm down Coach. Sabu knocks Foley to the outside and begins to hit Foley with a plastic chair.
Coach: Sabu seems to be what Randy Orton is going for these days. And out of control loose cannon that hates on everyone. Only Orton has more tattoos and is a pussy.
PC: Sabu with a huge suicide dive to the outside the drives both into the metal guard rail.
Coach: Which Sabu tattoo is your favorite? Mine is the gigantic scar across his abs.
PC: Goes to the jumping well one too many times and ends up eating a Cactus Jack elbow. Cactus clothesline and both end up on the outside. Foley hits Sabu about as hard as you can hit someone with a plastic chair and then drops the elbow from the apron to the floor.
Coach: A fan is drinking a PBR in the crowd. Nice.
PC: Foley smacks Sabu across the back with a frying pan and then smacks his own head with it. Foley goes to the top but misses with a flipping senton. Sabu hits a slingshot legdrop for two.
Coach: Other than his crawling around, I haven't seen much Sabu craziness yet.
PC: Suplex reversals by both until they tumble to the outside. Joey Styles is especially annoying during the match. Sabu sets up Foley on a table and hits a leg drop off the guard rail.
Coach: As they lay on the ground, we see no less than four pairs of jorts being worn by crowd members.
PC: Foley hotshots Sabu on the guard rail.
Coach: We see two more pairs of jorts.
PC: 911 interferes and sets up Foley on a table. Sabu hits an Asai moonsault off the second rope to the outside and busts Foley through the table. He also nails his jaw on the guardrail. Finish comes when Foley hits a splash in the corner and Paul E. Dangerously nails him with an old-timey cell phone. Sabu falls on top of Foley for the win.
Coach: That's one app that the iPhone doesn't have...kill.
PC: Post match, Foley cleans house including a disgusting unprotected chair shot on 911's head. Locker room empties and Sabu hits an out of control tope con hilo to the outside. Foley hits Sabu with a piledriver near the concession stand. Sabu breaks a beer bottle over Foley's head and cuts his own hand open in the process.
Coach: Ouch.
PC: Sabu throws Foley facefirst through a propped up table. Sabu hits a sloppy moonsault. But Jack is up. He suplexes the broken table onto Sabu. And things finally seem to end.
Final Thoughts
Coach: How did that end? Who won? I'm exhausted.
PC: Welcome to ECW. Not the best from either guy, but certainly fun stuff. Sabu works best in music video highlight form.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Paul London & Brian Kendrick vs. The Mexicools WWE Velocity 6/2/06
PC: Switching to an overnight schedule for the week, so no Raw recap tonight. Instead, we return to the land of Velocity. Last time we watched Juvi beat Paul London in a singles contest. This time we see if London and Brian Kendrick (aka Spanky) can beat Super Crazy and Psicosis (aka the Mexicools…aka guys who were awesome ten years before this match).
Coach: Youtube Velocity matches are the fast food of wrestling. Delicious, but not much substance. No reason to download, no reason to keep them, and over in less than ten minutes.
PC: We are two minutes in and it has been all intros so far. The match is only seven and a half minutes long. Fast food indeed.
Coach: The intros are done and we’re halfway through the clip.
PC: This is apparently for the tag titles. Super Crazy and Kendrick start it off.
Coach: Super Crazy and Psicosis, huh? And they’re playing off the fact that they’re Mexican instead of the fact that they are mentally unbalanced? I don’t like it. It would be like if Earthquake and Typhoon were called the Beard Guys instead of the Natural Disasters.
PC: I would watch a tag team called The Beard Guys.
Coach: I don’t like the long shorts/boots combo of London and Kendrick. It’s indicative of the John Cena jorts era.
PC: The match, lest we forget about it, is a solid back and forth velocity encounter. Lots of rollups and reversals. Psicosis wins with a roll-up with assistance from the ropes.
Coach: It’s over?
Final Thoughts
Coach: I feel no different about my life. Though I did realize that wardrobe decisions are at least 50% of what makes wrestling funny.
PC: This reminded me to eat at the Lucha Libre-themed taco place that just opened in the East Village.
Coach: Youtube Velocity matches are the fast food of wrestling. Delicious, but not much substance. No reason to download, no reason to keep them, and over in less than ten minutes.
PC: We are two minutes in and it has been all intros so far. The match is only seven and a half minutes long. Fast food indeed.
Coach: The intros are done and we’re halfway through the clip.
PC: This is apparently for the tag titles. Super Crazy and Kendrick start it off.
Coach: Super Crazy and Psicosis, huh? And they’re playing off the fact that they’re Mexican instead of the fact that they are mentally unbalanced? I don’t like it. It would be like if Earthquake and Typhoon were called the Beard Guys instead of the Natural Disasters.
PC: I would watch a tag team called The Beard Guys.
Coach: I don’t like the long shorts/boots combo of London and Kendrick. It’s indicative of the John Cena jorts era.
PC: The match, lest we forget about it, is a solid back and forth velocity encounter. Lots of rollups and reversals. Psicosis wins with a roll-up with assistance from the ropes.
Coach: It’s over?
Final Thoughts
Coach: I feel no different about my life. Though I did realize that wardrobe decisions are at least 50% of what makes wrestling funny.
PC: This reminded me to eat at the Lucha Libre-themed taco place that just opened in the East Village.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Kaientai DX (TAKA Michinoku/Sho Funaki/Dick Togo/Shiryu/Men's Teioh) vs. Gran Naniwa/Super Delphin/Tiger Mask IV/Masato Yakushiji/Gran Hamada 10/10/96
PC: For about five minutes, Kaientai DX was the coolest stable in wrestling.
Coach: I already prefer the team with the crab, the tiger, and the dolphin.
PC: Just wait for the boys in blue. I have seen other KDX stuff from around this time, but never this match in particular.
Coach: The dolphin guy got a bigger entrance than his teammates. What a showboat. KDX comes out as a team, like the Patriots in that one Super Bowl.
PC: You will also come to find that KDX has something else in common with the Patriots…cheating.
Coach: Is that a sword embroidered onto that guy’s uniform?
PC: Yes. We start off with Togo and Yakushiji trading armdrags until the tag comes to TAKA and Tiger Mask. They also trade hiptosses and armdrags. Next is Gran Naniwa and Men’s Teioh.
Coach: Teioh looks like the Asian version of Triple H.
PC: Funaki, one of the KDX guys, once beat Triple H. One of the great upsets in WWE history.
Coach: The greatest?
PC: Naniwa does his crab dance and Coach falls in love.
Coach: Why was this guy never in the Royal Rumble for thirty seconds?
PC: Funaki and Hamada tag in. They trade moves until we get our final pairing, Shiryu and Super Delphin. They trade their moves in awesome fashion as well.
Coach: Delphin gets kicked out of the ring and lands in a pile of middle-aged Asian women.
PC: Now that we’re through with introductions, they rotate the pairings. The crowd watches politely and pops for the big stuff. You can tell that they are ready to explode though.
Coach: These guys are fast.
PC: Dick Togo and Gran Hamada beg to differ as they stand in the middle of the ring and trade chops and headbutts. As we go along, each guy on the face team teases a dive.
Coach: Everyone is so nimble. Even the fat guys.
PC: I’m not even gonna try to do a play-by-play from here on out. Or even a sequence-by-sequence.
Coach: Did any of these guys end up doing anything big?
PC: The KDX guys had really disparate career paths. TAKA and Funaki both spent a lot of time in WWE. Funaki, I think, is still there. Togo later became a big factor in Zero-1, Shiryu became Kaz Hayashi in WCW and later was the All Japan Junior Champ. Men’s became a death match wrestler a few years later.
Coach: They all went their separate ways, like in the Sandlot.
PC: KDX dominates Naniwa with quintuple-team moves.
Coach: Love the teamwork. This is how a five-man team should wrestle. I bet they would make a great basketball team. These guys definitely know The Secret. Bill Simmons would be proud.
PC: We settle back into pairings. Well, I guess settle isn’t really the right word at this point.
Coach: There’s so much going on, so much highflying action. And the announcers are completely calm like they’re watching Phil Mickelson on the fourth hole at the Buick Invitational. And yet when two guys are standing in the middle of the ring chopping each other, it’s like Justin Beiber just walked into an all-girls middle school.
PC: Naniwa tries the crabwalk on the ropes but is dropkicked off by TAKA for his troubles. I know I’m not really doing a play-by-play, but that was awesome.
Coach: The guy in red is what I imagine Peter Pan would wrestle like.
PC: KDX targets Peter Pan until he hits most of the team with un-Peter Pan-like spinkicks. Delphin tags in and we get our twentieth dive tease of the match.
Coach: They keep jumping off the ropes though.
PC: You’ll know a dive when you see it. The faces do the Mexican Rowboat thing in the middle of the ring.
Coach: I would call it the Mexican Orgy. Because that’s what it looks like.
PC: WE HAVE A DIVE. All five KDX guys hit huge dives to the outside, including TAKA ending up in the fifth row of the crowd.
Coach: These guys are nuts. They keep jumping on each other from high places.
PC: And now we trade finishers. Togo and Hamada up first.
Coach: Those two are built like post office boxes…or…I’ll figure it out later.
PC: Crowd is loving it. Oh to be Japanese in 1996. It comes to a close when Dick Togo hits an absolutely vicious fat man senton on Super Delphin. KDX mocks the faces, including Great Sasuke who has made his way to ringside.
Final Thoughts
Coach: The turning point of that match was “Midway” through.
PC: I didn’t think you’d get your WWII reference in, but you came through. Awesome match that everyone who likes to be entertained should see.
Coach: I already prefer the team with the crab, the tiger, and the dolphin.
PC: Just wait for the boys in blue. I have seen other KDX stuff from around this time, but never this match in particular.
Coach: The dolphin guy got a bigger entrance than his teammates. What a showboat. KDX comes out as a team, like the Patriots in that one Super Bowl.
PC: You will also come to find that KDX has something else in common with the Patriots…cheating.
Coach: Is that a sword embroidered onto that guy’s uniform?
PC: Yes. We start off with Togo and Yakushiji trading armdrags until the tag comes to TAKA and Tiger Mask. They also trade hiptosses and armdrags. Next is Gran Naniwa and Men’s Teioh.
Coach: Teioh looks like the Asian version of Triple H.
PC: Funaki, one of the KDX guys, once beat Triple H. One of the great upsets in WWE history.
Coach: The greatest?
PC: Naniwa does his crab dance and Coach falls in love.
Coach: Why was this guy never in the Royal Rumble for thirty seconds?
PC: Funaki and Hamada tag in. They trade moves until we get our final pairing, Shiryu and Super Delphin. They trade their moves in awesome fashion as well.
Coach: Delphin gets kicked out of the ring and lands in a pile of middle-aged Asian women.
PC: Now that we’re through with introductions, they rotate the pairings. The crowd watches politely and pops for the big stuff. You can tell that they are ready to explode though.
Coach: These guys are fast.
PC: Dick Togo and Gran Hamada beg to differ as they stand in the middle of the ring and trade chops and headbutts. As we go along, each guy on the face team teases a dive.
Coach: Everyone is so nimble. Even the fat guys.
PC: I’m not even gonna try to do a play-by-play from here on out. Or even a sequence-by-sequence.
Coach: Did any of these guys end up doing anything big?
PC: The KDX guys had really disparate career paths. TAKA and Funaki both spent a lot of time in WWE. Funaki, I think, is still there. Togo later became a big factor in Zero-1, Shiryu became Kaz Hayashi in WCW and later was the All Japan Junior Champ. Men’s became a death match wrestler a few years later.
Coach: They all went their separate ways, like in the Sandlot.
PC: KDX dominates Naniwa with quintuple-team moves.
Coach: Love the teamwork. This is how a five-man team should wrestle. I bet they would make a great basketball team. These guys definitely know The Secret. Bill Simmons would be proud.
PC: We settle back into pairings. Well, I guess settle isn’t really the right word at this point.
Coach: There’s so much going on, so much highflying action. And the announcers are completely calm like they’re watching Phil Mickelson on the fourth hole at the Buick Invitational. And yet when two guys are standing in the middle of the ring chopping each other, it’s like Justin Beiber just walked into an all-girls middle school.
PC: Naniwa tries the crabwalk on the ropes but is dropkicked off by TAKA for his troubles. I know I’m not really doing a play-by-play, but that was awesome.
Coach: The guy in red is what I imagine Peter Pan would wrestle like.
PC: KDX targets Peter Pan until he hits most of the team with un-Peter Pan-like spinkicks. Delphin tags in and we get our twentieth dive tease of the match.
Coach: They keep jumping off the ropes though.
PC: You’ll know a dive when you see it. The faces do the Mexican Rowboat thing in the middle of the ring.
Coach: I would call it the Mexican Orgy. Because that’s what it looks like.
PC: WE HAVE A DIVE. All five KDX guys hit huge dives to the outside, including TAKA ending up in the fifth row of the crowd.
Coach: These guys are nuts. They keep jumping on each other from high places.
PC: And now we trade finishers. Togo and Hamada up first.
Coach: Those two are built like post office boxes…or…I’ll figure it out later.
PC: Crowd is loving it. Oh to be Japanese in 1996. It comes to a close when Dick Togo hits an absolutely vicious fat man senton on Super Delphin. KDX mocks the faces, including Great Sasuke who has made his way to ringside.
Final Thoughts
Coach: The turning point of that match was “Midway” through.
PC: I didn’t think you’d get your WWII reference in, but you came through. Awesome match that everyone who likes to be entertained should see.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Cactus Jack vs. Vader WCW 4/17/93
PC: If Cormac McCarthy were to write a wrestling match, it would be this one.
Coach: I look forward to seeing the Coen Bros. adaptation.
PC: On one side, you've got the grizzly anti-hero who has been through more in a wrestling ring than any man should. On the other, an ammoral monster whose only goal is to crush whatever is in front of him.
Coach: Foley says that if you're watching this, you probably aren't involved in a very active dating life. Not surprisingly, both of us are currently single.
PC: Foley punches Vader in the face to start. I'm pretty sure I'll be typing "punch in the face" quite a bit.
Coach: Vader's mask has not practical function. It is even more useless at concealing his identity than Foley's later Mankind mask.
PC: Vader punches Foley in the face. See, I told you. Vader switches it up by kicking Foley in the face. This is the wrestling equivalent to a snuff film.
Coach: So far this doesn't feel particularly more Southern like WCW should, except for the fact that those punches are landing and at least one of them is probably drunk.
PC: Foley hits a powerslam, legdrop, and flying lariat to take control. Things end up on the outside. Foley tries to clothesline Vader over the metal crowd barrier...
Coach: That is holding back no crowd.
PC: But they both tumble to the floor.
Coach: Back from commercial. This match is brought you by Queso dip.
PC: Vader drops his full weight on Foley to break out of a sleeper hold. Vader then destroys Foley's face with punches. If he was pretty before, he ain't no more.
Coach: Was the whole backyard wrestling craze before Foley or did he spur that on.
PC: Foley started out in the backyard, but he certainly was influential on all the skinny kids in the midwest jumping off their garages. Meanwhile, Vader hits and Vaderbomb. Instead of going for the cover, he throws Foley outside and there are even more punches.
Coach: Vader's beard wraps all the way around his head.
PC: Vader wraps his foot around Foley's head. And hen his fist a couple more times. Then is forearm.
Coach: Vader goes for the splash and instead hits the useless safety rail. I hope the crowd doesn't come pouring into the ring!
PC: Foley hits a rolling senton off the apron to knock Vader out on the floor. Foley climbs back in and wins by countout. Vader takes it out on the guard rail.
Final Thoughts
Coach: Very different than what we've watched so far. The match stands alone in that Foley gets punched in the face...actually punched in the face. A lot. And I especially enjoyed Foley's rewind where he explains at what point in the match his nose gets broken.
PC: I am looking to Foley vs. Anton Chigurh.
Coach: Oh man, Foley would brag about taking the Cattle Gun forever.
Coach: I look forward to seeing the Coen Bros. adaptation.
PC: On one side, you've got the grizzly anti-hero who has been through more in a wrestling ring than any man should. On the other, an ammoral monster whose only goal is to crush whatever is in front of him.
Coach: Foley says that if you're watching this, you probably aren't involved in a very active dating life. Not surprisingly, both of us are currently single.
PC: Foley punches Vader in the face to start. I'm pretty sure I'll be typing "punch in the face" quite a bit.
Coach: Vader's mask has not practical function. It is even more useless at concealing his identity than Foley's later Mankind mask.
PC: Vader punches Foley in the face. See, I told you. Vader switches it up by kicking Foley in the face. This is the wrestling equivalent to a snuff film.
Coach: So far this doesn't feel particularly more Southern like WCW should, except for the fact that those punches are landing and at least one of them is probably drunk.
PC: Foley hits a powerslam, legdrop, and flying lariat to take control. Things end up on the outside. Foley tries to clothesline Vader over the metal crowd barrier...
Coach: That is holding back no crowd.
PC: But they both tumble to the floor.
Coach: Back from commercial. This match is brought you by Queso dip.
PC: Vader drops his full weight on Foley to break out of a sleeper hold. Vader then destroys Foley's face with punches. If he was pretty before, he ain't no more.
Coach: Was the whole backyard wrestling craze before Foley or did he spur that on.
PC: Foley started out in the backyard, but he certainly was influential on all the skinny kids in the midwest jumping off their garages. Meanwhile, Vader hits and Vaderbomb. Instead of going for the cover, he throws Foley outside and there are even more punches.
Coach: Vader's beard wraps all the way around his head.
PC: Vader wraps his foot around Foley's head. And hen his fist a couple more times. Then is forearm.
Coach: Vader goes for the splash and instead hits the useless safety rail. I hope the crowd doesn't come pouring into the ring!
PC: Foley hits a rolling senton off the apron to knock Vader out on the floor. Foley climbs back in and wins by countout. Vader takes it out on the guard rail.
Final Thoughts
Coach: Very different than what we've watched so far. The match stands alone in that Foley gets punched in the face...actually punched in the face. A lot. And I especially enjoyed Foley's rewind where he explains at what point in the match his nose gets broken.
PC: I am looking to Foley vs. Anton Chigurh.
Coach: Oh man, Foley would brag about taking the Cattle Gun forever.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
WWE NXT 5/11/10
PC: Elimination Night on NXT! The way my day has been going, Daniel Bryan is gone for sure tonight. I just ate away my problems, Precious-style, so maybe that'll help turn things around. Coach is absent again this week, so I will be providing his thoughts.
"Coach": Yes. Yes you will.
PC: All the boys come out to the ring to start. We get a recap of last night's win by the NXT Rookies over the Raw Superstars (and by that I mean, DANIEL BRYAN WINNING - OH MY GOD HOLY SHIT). And we start right off with the elimination. It's Michael Tarver.
"Coach": Tarver throws off his shirt in protest.
PC: Uh oh. Wait. Double elimination. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
"Coach": I'm going to inch away from PC in case he gets hit by a lightning bolt.
PC: There is really no reason to watch this anymore. Apparently there will be another elimination later. And Bryan and Tarver were axed by WWE Management. The pros poll is yet to come. I have a prediction from my years of wrestling-watching experience: Bryan is still #1 in the pros poll, leading to an interesting conundrum.
"Coach": Either that or he's just gone.
Heath Slater vs. Wade Barrett
PC: Slater dominates to start. He jumps around and acts like a jackass and Wade Barrett goes to work on him. They have a not-very-good-match that I can barely see through the tears in my eyes. Slater goes for a crossbody but Barrett catches him in mid-air and slams him down for 3.
"Coach": Barrett's lip is cut so it looks like he's wearing lipstick. Almost like a British Buffalo Bill.
PC: Matt Striker interviews Tarver backstage. Tarver sleeps in a car, or so he claims. Tarver says that he will be back. The world is not so sure.
Skip Sheffield vs. Darren Young
"Coach": Darren Young! The next breakout star in the WWE. No question.
PC: Sure, Coach. Young goes for the ten punch spot in the corner but Sheffield crotches him. The announcers spend more time talking about Daniel Bryan than the match going on in the ring. They usually reserve that kind of thing for the likes of Triple H and The Rock. Hmmm...
"Coach": Darren Young, and his fabulous hair, lose the match. My fear is growing.
PC: Backstage, Striker interviews Daniel Bryan. They ask is DB regrets leaving the indies...and he says that he used to be a guy that kicked people's heads in and was the best in the world. He then says that Daniel Bryan is a guy that lost to rookies but BRYAN DANIELSON will not be going away. Awesome promo. If our DVR wasn't broken I would watch that five times in a row. Danielson finally shows a bit of the fire that made grown men travel large distances to see him wrestle just so they could say that they did.
"Coach": So does this mean that the whole "Daniel Bryan" thing was a hoax (much like the moon landing)?
David Otunga vs. Justin Gabriel
PC: Gabriel hits some flashy offense and the crowd politely waits for the Smackdown taping to start. Otunga takes control, Gabriel counters and blows a spin kick. He is the Afrikaner X-Pac. Otunga wins with a spinebuster.
"Coach": Why don't the Afrikaners ever win??
PC: The remaining rookies are back at ringside. Each guy says which guy he thinks should be eliminated. Most are saying David Otunga. None of them are saying it very well. Pro's Poll, in order: Barrett, Otunga, Gabriel, Slater...
"Coach": Uh oh.
PC: And the loser is...
"Coach": YES!!
PC: Goodbye Skip Sheffield. Sheffield says that he should have listened to Regal's advise and that he will be back someday. Next week will be another elimination. I doubt I'll be watching.
Final Thoughts
"Coach": The best hair in the business lives to fight another day.
PC: No more Daniel Bryan...Bring on the Bryan Danielson era!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcaPp6PM0f8
Check out the way Striker can barely contain himself at the end. I'm guessing this clip was followed shortly after by an epic man-hug.
"Coach": Yes. Yes you will.
PC: All the boys come out to the ring to start. We get a recap of last night's win by the NXT Rookies over the Raw Superstars (and by that I mean, DANIEL BRYAN WINNING - OH MY GOD HOLY SHIT). And we start right off with the elimination. It's Michael Tarver.
"Coach": Tarver throws off his shirt in protest.
PC: Uh oh. Wait. Double elimination. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
"Coach": I'm going to inch away from PC in case he gets hit by a lightning bolt.
PC: There is really no reason to watch this anymore. Apparently there will be another elimination later. And Bryan and Tarver were axed by WWE Management. The pros poll is yet to come. I have a prediction from my years of wrestling-watching experience: Bryan is still #1 in the pros poll, leading to an interesting conundrum.
"Coach": Either that or he's just gone.
Heath Slater vs. Wade Barrett
PC: Slater dominates to start. He jumps around and acts like a jackass and Wade Barrett goes to work on him. They have a not-very-good-match that I can barely see through the tears in my eyes. Slater goes for a crossbody but Barrett catches him in mid-air and slams him down for 3.
"Coach": Barrett's lip is cut so it looks like he's wearing lipstick. Almost like a British Buffalo Bill.
PC: Matt Striker interviews Tarver backstage. Tarver sleeps in a car, or so he claims. Tarver says that he will be back. The world is not so sure.
Skip Sheffield vs. Darren Young
"Coach": Darren Young! The next breakout star in the WWE. No question.
PC: Sure, Coach. Young goes for the ten punch spot in the corner but Sheffield crotches him. The announcers spend more time talking about Daniel Bryan than the match going on in the ring. They usually reserve that kind of thing for the likes of Triple H and The Rock. Hmmm...
"Coach": Darren Young, and his fabulous hair, lose the match. My fear is growing.
PC: Backstage, Striker interviews Daniel Bryan. They ask is DB regrets leaving the indies...and he says that he used to be a guy that kicked people's heads in and was the best in the world. He then says that Daniel Bryan is a guy that lost to rookies but BRYAN DANIELSON will not be going away. Awesome promo. If our DVR wasn't broken I would watch that five times in a row. Danielson finally shows a bit of the fire that made grown men travel large distances to see him wrestle just so they could say that they did.
"Coach": So does this mean that the whole "Daniel Bryan" thing was a hoax (much like the moon landing)?
David Otunga vs. Justin Gabriel
PC: Gabriel hits some flashy offense and the crowd politely waits for the Smackdown taping to start. Otunga takes control, Gabriel counters and blows a spin kick. He is the Afrikaner X-Pac. Otunga wins with a spinebuster.
"Coach": Why don't the Afrikaners ever win??
PC: The remaining rookies are back at ringside. Each guy says which guy he thinks should be eliminated. Most are saying David Otunga. None of them are saying it very well. Pro's Poll, in order: Barrett, Otunga, Gabriel, Slater...
"Coach": Uh oh.
PC: And the loser is...
"Coach": YES!!
PC: Goodbye Skip Sheffield. Sheffield says that he should have listened to Regal's advise and that he will be back someday. Next week will be another elimination. I doubt I'll be watching.
Final Thoughts
"Coach": The best hair in the business lives to fight another day.
PC: No more Daniel Bryan...Bring on the Bryan Danielson era!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcaPp6PM0f8
Check out the way Striker can barely contain himself at the end. I'm guessing this clip was followed shortly after by an epic man-hug.
Monday, May 10, 2010
WWE RAW 5/10/10
PC: Not even a flat tire could keep me away from Raw tonight. However, the hockey game might. I will have no patience for Raw's garbage tonight.
Coach: Welcome to my world.
PC: We start it off with a recap of whatever Edge went on about endlessly. I have not bothered to take my headphones off yet. They do however, show some cool highlights from throughout his career. They are making Edge/Orton out to be the big feud of the summer. Lucky us.
Coach: When is Smackdown on again?
PC: Let's not go crazy yet. Randy Orton comes down to the ring and I decide that a better use of our time would be to see if the Penguins can score on the powerplay.
Coach: But what if there isn't a Raw Replay????
PC: We turn back just in time for Meat Loaf's entrance. They exchange witty repartee that could only be found in an Oscar Wilde play until Meat Loaf starts singing.
Coach: Randy Orton would be fifty times cooler if his entrance music was "I Would Do Anything for Love."
PC: Orton hits the RKO on Meat Loaf. And here comes Edge. Edge starts talking and I am not listening. He announces that Vicky Guerrero will be the next Raw General Manager. I have now changed the channel.
Coach: Hockey is pretty great, but it would be improved by chops.
PC: The Pittsburgh Steelers are in attendance. I did not see Big Ben among them.
Coach: Hmm, must have been in the bathroom.
Chris Jericho vs. David Hart Smith
PC: If Jericho wins, Jericho and Miz get a shot at the titles on the next PPV. Smith starts it off in control, hitting a stalling suplex. Jericho transitions by kicking the youngster in the face. Back and forth until Smith starts throwing Jericho around the ring. Smith locks on a sharpshooter but Jericho makes the ropes. Jericho hits the Code Breaker for the win and a future title shot.
Coach: Who'da thunk it.
PC: Backstage, Edge is talking to Batista. I think I missed something along the line where Edge needs a partner to wrestle Orton or something.
Coach: I like missing chunks of the show. It gives it some mystery, like Lost.
PC: Flavor Flav enters with R-Truth! WHAT'S UP!
Coach: WHAT'S UP!
PC: Flavor Flav's "Yeah Boy" hasn't been delivered better since 1991. They play to the crowd and there are thirty seconds left in the hockey game.
Coach: Before we switch stations, Flavor Flav announces that he will be the new Crypt Keeper and I'm pretty sure he was serious.
PC: A match was apparently going on but Carlito and his brother put an end to that. Flavor Flav has no idea what's going on and he's still the best guy in the announce booth. It turns out that they were paid off by Ted Dibiase Jr.
Coach: He subtlety pays them off right on the entrance ramp.
PC: Back from the break and they show a highlight package of Women's Champion Eve. Then they show the French Canadian chick from last week training with a judo instructor. They don't have to do much for me to hate someone from Montreal right now.
Coach: Mark Henry just hit Buzz Aldrin with a chair. Wrestling just peaked.
Zack Ryder vs. Evan Bourne
PC: WWE is pretty good at having wrestlers I like lose in quick, terrible matches. Let's see if Evan Bourne can deliver. Ryder in control to start.
Coach: Ryder forgot one of his pant legs.
PC: Bourne gets some fun offense in before Ryder takes control again. One of the divas interferes but to no avail. Bourne hits the prettiest Shooting Star Press in the business for the win.
Coach: Do you think Bourne will tells the rest of the guys about the match in homeroom tomorrow?
PC: Cena comes to the ring to announce the stipulation for his PPV match with Batista. And it will be...an I Quit match.
Coach: Damn. I was hoping for a "Glasses Match."
PC: For anyone that doesn't get that joke, read the last post. While you do that, Cena calls out Sheamus. And, um, we have a match. For the title. Weird. Wait, spoke too soon. Batista and Sheamus team up to beat Cena all over the ring.
Coach: Mark Henry comes down for the world's fattest save.
PC: Backstage Edge is talking to Vicky Guerrero and we check the score of the basketball game.
Tyson Kidd vs. The Miz
PC: If Kidd wins, Miz must defend the US Title against him next week...in Canada. Before I can even start to type anything, Kidd wins with a quick Roll-up. Miz announces that there was a loophole. He won't be wrestling either of the Hart Dynasty kids. Instead, he'll be defending the US Title against Bret Hart.
Coach: Hey. You typed that before he said it.
PC: This ain't my first rodeo, Coach.
NXT Rookies vs. John Morrison, Yoshi Tatsu, Goldust, & Santino Marella
Coach: I'll bet you a can of Corn Beef Hash that Daniel Bryan gets pinned here.
PC: sigh...Barrett starts things off with Goldust. Gabriel and Tatsu have the type of sloppy exchange that was happening all over the undercards of the US Indies back in 2001. Indies that Daniel Bryan was headlining, by the way. John Morrison throws Michael Tarver into Darren Young for a pretty cool spear spot. DANIEL BRYAN WINS! DANIEL BRYAN WINS! SWEET LORD, DANIEL BRYAN WINS!
Coach: We never shook on that CBH bet.
PC: A Smackdown recap of Drew McIntyre vs. Matt Hardy. Feel the hate. Teddy Long fires McIntyre from Smackdown. Does that mean he's coming to Raw?
Coach: This backstage comedy has got to end. You don't see this in Japan.
PC: Actually, you do. I just haven't showed you any yet because it's even more embarrassing than this.
Batista vs. Mark Henry
PC: Batista jumps Henry before the start of he match and goes at his shoulder with a chair. Batista puts Henry in a Rings of Saturn type hold and spits all over Henry as he yells at him. Batista refuses to let go of the hold even after Henry passes out.
Coach: Batista just gets to leave now? No Cena run-in?
Randy Orton vs. Edge & "A Partner of Edge's Choosing"
Coach: Orton has the worst theme song in the world.
PC: Edge's partner...Ted DiBiase Jr. Teddy and Randy start it off. Even match until Edge blind tags himself in and hits his sitting reverse DDT type thing. Edge and Teddy double team Orton as Vicky Guerrero cheers them on.
Coach: Is she Eddie's mom?
PC: Orton shows signs of life at various points but the heels keep control. Orton fights back and takes out both guys in turn. He does his weird pound the mat thing but can't hit the RKO on DiBiase. That is until R-Truth...
Coach: WHAT'S UP!
PC: ...distracts DiBiase long enough for Orton to hit the RKO.
Coach: Orton looks like he's going to rape Vicky Guerrero. I am uncomfortable right now.
PC: Vicky Guerrero resigns as General Manager and Orton hits an RKO on Edge on the floor.
Final Thoughts
Coach: I'm not even sure what I just watched.
PC: Daniel Bryan won. That's good enough for me. I hope they have a live feed of Neil Armstrong shaking his head in shame while watching Buzz Aldrin host Raw next week.
Coach: Welcome to my world.
PC: We start it off with a recap of whatever Edge went on about endlessly. I have not bothered to take my headphones off yet. They do however, show some cool highlights from throughout his career. They are making Edge/Orton out to be the big feud of the summer. Lucky us.
Coach: When is Smackdown on again?
PC: Let's not go crazy yet. Randy Orton comes down to the ring and I decide that a better use of our time would be to see if the Penguins can score on the powerplay.
Coach: But what if there isn't a Raw Replay????
PC: We turn back just in time for Meat Loaf's entrance. They exchange witty repartee that could only be found in an Oscar Wilde play until Meat Loaf starts singing.
Coach: Randy Orton would be fifty times cooler if his entrance music was "I Would Do Anything for Love."
PC: Orton hits the RKO on Meat Loaf. And here comes Edge. Edge starts talking and I am not listening. He announces that Vicky Guerrero will be the next Raw General Manager. I have now changed the channel.
Coach: Hockey is pretty great, but it would be improved by chops.
PC: The Pittsburgh Steelers are in attendance. I did not see Big Ben among them.
Coach: Hmm, must have been in the bathroom.
Chris Jericho vs. David Hart Smith
PC: If Jericho wins, Jericho and Miz get a shot at the titles on the next PPV. Smith starts it off in control, hitting a stalling suplex. Jericho transitions by kicking the youngster in the face. Back and forth until Smith starts throwing Jericho around the ring. Smith locks on a sharpshooter but Jericho makes the ropes. Jericho hits the Code Breaker for the win and a future title shot.
Coach: Who'da thunk it.
PC: Backstage, Edge is talking to Batista. I think I missed something along the line where Edge needs a partner to wrestle Orton or something.
Coach: I like missing chunks of the show. It gives it some mystery, like Lost.
PC: Flavor Flav enters with R-Truth! WHAT'S UP!
Coach: WHAT'S UP!
PC: Flavor Flav's "Yeah Boy" hasn't been delivered better since 1991. They play to the crowd and there are thirty seconds left in the hockey game.
Coach: Before we switch stations, Flavor Flav announces that he will be the new Crypt Keeper and I'm pretty sure he was serious.
PC: A match was apparently going on but Carlito and his brother put an end to that. Flavor Flav has no idea what's going on and he's still the best guy in the announce booth. It turns out that they were paid off by Ted Dibiase Jr.
Coach: He subtlety pays them off right on the entrance ramp.
PC: Back from the break and they show a highlight package of Women's Champion Eve. Then they show the French Canadian chick from last week training with a judo instructor. They don't have to do much for me to hate someone from Montreal right now.
Coach: Mark Henry just hit Buzz Aldrin with a chair. Wrestling just peaked.
Zack Ryder vs. Evan Bourne
PC: WWE is pretty good at having wrestlers I like lose in quick, terrible matches. Let's see if Evan Bourne can deliver. Ryder in control to start.
Coach: Ryder forgot one of his pant legs.
PC: Bourne gets some fun offense in before Ryder takes control again. One of the divas interferes but to no avail. Bourne hits the prettiest Shooting Star Press in the business for the win.
Coach: Do you think Bourne will tells the rest of the guys about the match in homeroom tomorrow?
PC: Cena comes to the ring to announce the stipulation for his PPV match with Batista. And it will be...an I Quit match.
Coach: Damn. I was hoping for a "Glasses Match."
PC: For anyone that doesn't get that joke, read the last post. While you do that, Cena calls out Sheamus. And, um, we have a match. For the title. Weird. Wait, spoke too soon. Batista and Sheamus team up to beat Cena all over the ring.
Coach: Mark Henry comes down for the world's fattest save.
PC: Backstage Edge is talking to Vicky Guerrero and we check the score of the basketball game.
Tyson Kidd vs. The Miz
PC: If Kidd wins, Miz must defend the US Title against him next week...in Canada. Before I can even start to type anything, Kidd wins with a quick Roll-up. Miz announces that there was a loophole. He won't be wrestling either of the Hart Dynasty kids. Instead, he'll be defending the US Title against Bret Hart.
Coach: Hey. You typed that before he said it.
PC: This ain't my first rodeo, Coach.
NXT Rookies vs. John Morrison, Yoshi Tatsu, Goldust, & Santino Marella
Coach: I'll bet you a can of Corn Beef Hash that Daniel Bryan gets pinned here.
PC: sigh...Barrett starts things off with Goldust. Gabriel and Tatsu have the type of sloppy exchange that was happening all over the undercards of the US Indies back in 2001. Indies that Daniel Bryan was headlining, by the way. John Morrison throws Michael Tarver into Darren Young for a pretty cool spear spot. DANIEL BRYAN WINS! DANIEL BRYAN WINS! SWEET LORD, DANIEL BRYAN WINS!
Coach: We never shook on that CBH bet.
PC: A Smackdown recap of Drew McIntyre vs. Matt Hardy. Feel the hate. Teddy Long fires McIntyre from Smackdown. Does that mean he's coming to Raw?
Coach: This backstage comedy has got to end. You don't see this in Japan.
PC: Actually, you do. I just haven't showed you any yet because it's even more embarrassing than this.
Batista vs. Mark Henry
PC: Batista jumps Henry before the start of he match and goes at his shoulder with a chair. Batista puts Henry in a Rings of Saturn type hold and spits all over Henry as he yells at him. Batista refuses to let go of the hold even after Henry passes out.
Coach: Batista just gets to leave now? No Cena run-in?
Randy Orton vs. Edge & "A Partner of Edge's Choosing"
Coach: Orton has the worst theme song in the world.
PC: Edge's partner...Ted DiBiase Jr. Teddy and Randy start it off. Even match until Edge blind tags himself in and hits his sitting reverse DDT type thing. Edge and Teddy double team Orton as Vicky Guerrero cheers them on.
Coach: Is she Eddie's mom?
PC: Orton shows signs of life at various points but the heels keep control. Orton fights back and takes out both guys in turn. He does his weird pound the mat thing but can't hit the RKO on DiBiase. That is until R-Truth...
Coach: WHAT'S UP!
PC: ...distracts DiBiase long enough for Orton to hit the RKO.
Coach: Orton looks like he's going to rape Vicky Guerrero. I am uncomfortable right now.
PC: Vicky Guerrero resigns as General Manager and Orton hits an RKO on Edge on the floor.
Final Thoughts
Coach: I'm not even sure what I just watched.
PC: Daniel Bryan won. That's good enough for me. I hope they have a live feed of Neil Armstrong shaking his head in shame while watching Buzz Aldrin host Raw next week.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Roddy Piper vs. Keith David "Glasses Match" - They Live - 1988
PC: We'll start by breaking down the backstory. Piper has found a pair of sunglasses that reveal the evil aliens that have long been controlling our world (Calm down folks, it's just wrestling). He now wants to show his acquaintance and former co-worker, Keith David.
Coach: A clash of life philosophies here. Piper is a loner. He goes around with his backpack, looking for work, being a bum. David, on the other hand, is a family man who wants no part of Piper's shenanigans. He is the model of Reagan's conservative working class who wants nothing more than to go to work every day and not buck the system. I'm sure they will be able to work out their differences in a peaceful fashion.
PC: Piper starts by checking David with the glasses.
Coach: Phew...not an alien.
PC: David with the first punch. Piper is a powder keg. He informs David that he can either put on the glasses "or start eating that trash can."
Coach: Not this year.
PC: Piper is still reluctant and David nails him with a quickk flurry to start. Piper responds and informs David of his peaceful intentions between punches. Piper is practically Gandhi here.
Coach: We have our first fake ending! David goes to help Piper up and lands a punch instead.
PC: David tries to stomp on the glasses. They struggle and Piper is hit square in the jaw with a stiff knee. And now it's on. Piper hits a huge back drop driver on David but David locks in the headlock upon landing. Piper slams David's skull onto the concrete. David responds with several knees to the groin. Drop toe hold by Piper.
Coach: Fake ending number two: It looks as if they will laugh it off due to several mishaps with a car window and a bottle.
PC: Spine buster by David!
Coach: Fake ending number 3: Piper looks beaten and is bleeding out his nose.
PC: Piper with the kidney bunch! He follows it up with a gutwrench suplex and forces the glasses onto David.
Final Thoughts
Coach: They need to bring back the "Glasses Match." I'm hoping for a Edge vs. Triple H "Glasses Match" at Summerslam, myself.
PC: The best match of the 80's that doesn't involve the name "Ric Flair."
Coach: A clash of life philosophies here. Piper is a loner. He goes around with his backpack, looking for work, being a bum. David, on the other hand, is a family man who wants no part of Piper's shenanigans. He is the model of Reagan's conservative working class who wants nothing more than to go to work every day and not buck the system. I'm sure they will be able to work out their differences in a peaceful fashion.
PC: Piper starts by checking David with the glasses.
Coach: Phew...not an alien.
PC: David with the first punch. Piper is a powder keg. He informs David that he can either put on the glasses "or start eating that trash can."
Coach: Not this year.
PC: Piper is still reluctant and David nails him with a quickk flurry to start. Piper responds and informs David of his peaceful intentions between punches. Piper is practically Gandhi here.
Coach: We have our first fake ending! David goes to help Piper up and lands a punch instead.
PC: David tries to stomp on the glasses. They struggle and Piper is hit square in the jaw with a stiff knee. And now it's on. Piper hits a huge back drop driver on David but David locks in the headlock upon landing. Piper slams David's skull onto the concrete. David responds with several knees to the groin. Drop toe hold by Piper.
Coach: Fake ending number two: It looks as if they will laugh it off due to several mishaps with a car window and a bottle.
PC: Spine buster by David!
Coach: Fake ending number 3: Piper looks beaten and is bleeding out his nose.
PC: Piper with the kidney bunch! He follows it up with a gutwrench suplex and forces the glasses onto David.
Final Thoughts
Coach: They need to bring back the "Glasses Match." I'm hoping for a Edge vs. Triple H "Glasses Match" at Summerslam, myself.
PC: The best match of the 80's that doesn't involve the name "Ric Flair."
Friday, May 7, 2010
Randy Savage vs. The Ultimate Warrior - Retirement Match - Wrestlemania VII
PC: Oh boy Coach, I hope you're ready for a good cry.
Coach: I'm ready.
PC: We start with a recap of the events leading up to the match.
Coach: Is this like an old-timey highlight package? This is much less polished than the current ones. Though it did show Savage attacking Warrior with a stage light and I'm all for that.
PC: Here's the jist of it. Warrior was the champ. Savage challenged him for the title and lost. When Warror refused Savage's request for a rematch, Savage cost Warrior the title at Royal Rumble. And here we are. If that's not enough, Bobby Heenan points out the fact that Miss Elizabeth is in the crowd to watch her former flame.
Coach: I'm already speechless. What Savage is wearing, that weird highlight package, that float he just came in on, the fact that he's playing the same song I graduated to.
PC: Just wait for Ultimate Warrior.
Coach: I'm having a lot of trouble trying to figure out which wreslter is more era-specific. There are so many tassles going on right now. Warrior has a technicolor dream coat.
PC: Based solely on wardrobe, pick me a winner.
Coach: Warrior has significantly more tassles, but Savage has a beard, a cowboy hat, he's covered in glitter head to toe, and he keeps pointing at his face for some reason.
PC: We star with lots of posing and playing to the crowd.
Coach: Man, roids were not even frowned upon at that time, were they?
PC: We get our first shot of Elizabeth in the crowd.
Coach: Some heavy drama.
PC: This match is arguably the peak of "Wrestling as a male soap opera."
Coach: I watched Rambo III a matter of hours ago and Ultimate Warrior is thrice as big as Rambo.
PC: Warrior tosses Sheri Martel out of the ring and continues to domminate Savage.
Coach: I can't wait for Savage to proclaim, "If I can't beat you, I have no career! Snap into a Slim Jim, Oh yeah!"
PC: Finally, one of the announcers declares this the greatest match of all time.
Coach: I lilke how Savage hangs onto the big hair, even though he's losing it. Sure, you can hide it with a cowboy hat, but once the match starts...
PC: Savage has taken control. He posts Warrior allowing Sherri to interfere more on the outside. Warrior goes for a backslide, probably for the first time in his career.
Coach:
We just got "history being made" and "largest PPV audience ever" in the same sentence. That in itself is probably historic.
PC: Savage locks in a sleeper hold.
Coach: Tap or snap!
PC: Warrior begins to power up and the crowd goes apeshit for his shoulderblocks and clotheslines. Both men end up on the canvas. Small package by Warrior, another career first.
Coach: The ref goes down! Sherri tries to attack Warrior with her spike heel but Warrior ducks out of the way and Savage gets the worst of it. Warrior outsmarting someone, surely another career first.
PC: Lots of nearfalls now. Warrior getting blown up actually works in his favor for this match as Savage's offense looks absolutely brutal here. Savage drops the elbow!
Coach: Like Hans Gruber would say: "Hit it again."
PC: And he does. Again and again and again. Warrior kicks out and Savage has the bug eyes at critical mass right now. Warriors starts to pump himself up.
Coach: Truly the greatest fake seizure in the business.
PC: Warrior signals for the press slam. He hits it, followed by the Warrior Splash...for two!
Coach: Is he seriously looking up to his gods? You told me this match would be drama-filled, but I didn't know it would be full-on Greek Mythology drama.
PC: Warrior threatens to walk out because the gods have abandoned him. This moment is rivaled Jesus weeping in the garden of Gethsemene. Savage hits him from behind, knocking Warrior to the floor. He climbs to the top rope and dives at Warrior, only to land face first on the metal crowd barrier.
Coach: Trivia Question: Which one did more steroids. I know it may be a tough one to the naked eye.
PC: As Warrior hits big move after big move on Savage, we get more of Elizabeth in the crowd until Warrior wins the match. Better tissues out Coach.
Coach: Warrior's going back in the ring. Nothing happens, I guess he just showboat.
PC: Sherri mocks Savage and kicks him while he's down.
Coach: No!
PC: Elizabeth hops out of her seat and runs into the ring. She throws Sherri out of the ring!
Coach: She's covered in glitter too!
PC: Savage appeals to the crowd for relationship advice.
Coach: Everything is so morally ambiguous now.
PC: Savage stares at Elizabeth until he runs to her and hugs her in quite possibly the only positive moment between a man and a woman in a wrestling ring ever. We see several shots of people crying in the audience. It comes to a pinnacle when Savage opens the ropes for Elizabeth for the first time. Now that's history.
Coach: You don't see this kind of chivalry in the WWE nowadays.
Final Thoughts
Coach: They just don't make 'em like they used to. I need to see more of this era.
PC: I plan on winning my future-wife in similar circumstances to this match.
Coach: I'm ready.
PC: We start with a recap of the events leading up to the match.
Coach: Is this like an old-timey highlight package? This is much less polished than the current ones. Though it did show Savage attacking Warrior with a stage light and I'm all for that.
PC: Here's the jist of it. Warrior was the champ. Savage challenged him for the title and lost. When Warror refused Savage's request for a rematch, Savage cost Warrior the title at Royal Rumble. And here we are. If that's not enough, Bobby Heenan points out the fact that Miss Elizabeth is in the crowd to watch her former flame.
Coach: I'm already speechless. What Savage is wearing, that weird highlight package, that float he just came in on, the fact that he's playing the same song I graduated to.
PC: Just wait for Ultimate Warrior.
Coach: I'm having a lot of trouble trying to figure out which wreslter is more era-specific. There are so many tassles going on right now. Warrior has a technicolor dream coat.
PC: Based solely on wardrobe, pick me a winner.
Coach: Warrior has significantly more tassles, but Savage has a beard, a cowboy hat, he's covered in glitter head to toe, and he keeps pointing at his face for some reason.
PC: We star with lots of posing and playing to the crowd.
Coach: Man, roids were not even frowned upon at that time, were they?
PC: We get our first shot of Elizabeth in the crowd.
Coach: Some heavy drama.
PC: This match is arguably the peak of "Wrestling as a male soap opera."
Coach: I watched Rambo III a matter of hours ago and Ultimate Warrior is thrice as big as Rambo.
PC: Warrior tosses Sheri Martel out of the ring and continues to domminate Savage.
Coach: I can't wait for Savage to proclaim, "If I can't beat you, I have no career! Snap into a Slim Jim, Oh yeah!"
PC: Finally, one of the announcers declares this the greatest match of all time.
Coach: I lilke how Savage hangs onto the big hair, even though he's losing it. Sure, you can hide it with a cowboy hat, but once the match starts...
PC: Savage has taken control. He posts Warrior allowing Sherri to interfere more on the outside. Warrior goes for a backslide, probably for the first time in his career.
Coach:
We just got "history being made" and "largest PPV audience ever" in the same sentence. That in itself is probably historic.PC: Savage locks in a sleeper hold.
Coach: Tap or snap!
PC: Warrior begins to power up and the crowd goes apeshit for his shoulderblocks and clotheslines. Both men end up on the canvas. Small package by Warrior, another career first.
Coach: The ref goes down! Sherri tries to attack Warrior with her spike heel but Warrior ducks out of the way and Savage gets the worst of it. Warrior outsmarting someone, surely another career first.
PC: Lots of nearfalls now. Warrior getting blown up actually works in his favor for this match as Savage's offense looks absolutely brutal here. Savage drops the elbow!
Coach: Like Hans Gruber would say: "Hit it again."
PC: And he does. Again and again and again. Warrior kicks out and Savage has the bug eyes at critical mass right now. Warriors starts to pump himself up.
Coach: Truly the greatest fake seizure in the business.
PC: Warrior signals for the press slam. He hits it, followed by the Warrior Splash...for two!
Coach: Is he seriously looking up to his gods? You told me this match would be drama-filled, but I didn't know it would be full-on Greek Mythology drama.
PC: Warrior threatens to walk out because the gods have abandoned him. This moment is rivaled Jesus weeping in the garden of Gethsemene. Savage hits him from behind, knocking Warrior to the floor. He climbs to the top rope and dives at Warrior, only to land face first on the metal crowd barrier.
Coach: Trivia Question: Which one did more steroids. I know it may be a tough one to the naked eye.
PC: As Warrior hits big move after big move on Savage, we get more of Elizabeth in the crowd until Warrior wins the match. Better tissues out Coach.
Coach: Warrior's going back in the ring. Nothing happens, I guess he just showboat.
PC: Sherri mocks Savage and kicks him while he's down.
Coach: No!
PC: Elizabeth hops out of her seat and runs into the ring. She throws Sherri out of the ring!
Coach: She's covered in glitter too!
PC: Savage appeals to the crowd for relationship advice.
Coach: Everything is so morally ambiguous now.
PC: Savage stares at Elizabeth until he runs to her and hugs her in quite possibly the only positive moment between a man and a woman in a wrestling ring ever. We see several shots of people crying in the audience. It comes to a pinnacle when Savage opens the ropes for Elizabeth for the first time. Now that's history.
Coach: You don't see this kind of chivalry in the WWE nowadays.
Final Thoughts
Coach: They just don't make 'em like they used to. I need to see more of this era.
PC: I plan on winning my future-wife in similar circumstances to this match.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Shinya Hashimoto vs. Jushin "Thunder" Liger 2/24/94 NJPW
PC: Late call for me + day off for Coach = Chase and Sanborn + Wrestling
Coach: I’d like to publicly not apologize for me comments in the previous post. I’m very not sorry to Ukrainians everywhere and I regret nothing.
PC: Today we’ll be watching a match that comes to us from New Japan Pro Wrestling in the far off year of 1994. The company’s Heavyweight champion was Shinya Hashimoto. Their Junior Heavyweight champion was Jushin “Thunder” Liger. They had a match together.
Coach: 1994. What can we say about 1994? That philanderer Clinton was president. Newt Gingrich was driving this country into the ground. Nirvana was corrupting our nation’s youth.
PC: None of this affected Japan in the least.
Coach: George H.W. Bush did throw up on their Prime Minister. Several years earlier. But still.
PC: Okay then.
Coach: And they were destroying our auto industry.
PC: To the match!
Coach: The lighting, the smoke. It has a Rumble in the Jungle kind of feel.
PC: Throwdown in Japan-town.
Coach: This match is Hurley from Lost vs. the Red Power Ranger.
PC: Liger is in fact based on a cartoon character.
Coach: Hentai, I hope.
PC: Hash starts off with a fat headlock on Liger. They set up the Power vs. Speed theme in the early going.
Coach: They are playing mercy. Liger does not win.
PC: Slow going until Hash starts kicking the hell out of Liger. Liger responds with several palm strikes of his own and caps it off with a rolling Kapo kick.
Coach: The fat guy just hit a dropkick. Just like Hurley.
PC: Hash settles things down again, using his weight to his advantage on the ground game.
Coach: New Japan…is it more Raw or more Smackdown?
PC: It’s more WCW. Fantastic juniors, not-so-fantastic heavyweights.
Coach: WCW. We need to watch some of that. Is Sting dead or is he still wrestling?
PC: He’s still wrestling.
Coach: Those are the only two choices with these guys, it seems.
PC: Hash kills Liger’s arm and kicks him really, really hard. Power is beating speed.
Coach: It’s too much weight for Liger to handle. And just when I say that, Liger hits several dropkicks to the knee of Hash.
PC: Liger attempts to lift Hash in to surfboard and the crowd loves it. Hash breaks free. Liger instead goes for another knee hold. Hash headbutts him for the trouble. And Liger slaps him away. Awesome.
Coach: Is the cartoon character that Liger is based on a mix between a lion and a tiger like in Napoleon Dynamite?
PC: He is an evil wrestler from another dimension that shoots lighting. I think. Hash has taken control again and works over Liger’s arm and back.
Coach: Liger unwisely goes for a powerbomb and he gets kicked in the face. He should stick to slapping him, I think.
PC: Every time it seems like Hash is going to run away with it, Liger pulls out something from his bag of tricks to prolong the inevitable.
Coach: I’m just waiting for Hurley to sit on him. Then it’ll be over for sure.
PC: Liger hits a missile dropkick to the knee from the top rope. And locks on the figure four! Crowd is shockingly quite for it. I think they prefer to see Liger trying to lift the big guy.
Coach: He did it!
PC: LIGER BOMB! FOR TWO!
Coach: He almost tipped over backward when he got him up.
PC: Liger sets up Hash for the Superplex and botches it into an inadvertent brainbuster. Wow.
Coach: This is reminiscent of Hogan bodyslamming Andre the Giant. At least, I think it is. I’ve never seen the match.
PC: Liger hits big move after big move now, including a sick Kapo kick into the corner, a top rope rana, and a bridging German Suplex. All for two. Liger hits a missile dropkick to the back of Hash’s head. Hash counters Liger with a deep arm drag and here come to kicks.
Coach: Crowd chants something that sounds like “Kumite” from Bloodsport. Did he ever wrestle, or was he just an “actor?”
PC: Hash hits a crazy looking leg sweep and a few more kicks to the head. Liger is not long for this world. Hash lifts him up and heads a brainbuster for the win.
Final Thoughts
PC: Fantastic match. I need to see much more Hashimoto. Liger played the underdog really well and it’s probably the first time I’m ever really seen him in that position. Plus he takes Hash’s kicks like a man and isn’t afraid to give it back.
Coach: An even match between two super powers over a wide blue expanse. Reminds me of something from about seventy years ago…
Coach: I’d like to publicly not apologize for me comments in the previous post. I’m very not sorry to Ukrainians everywhere and I regret nothing.
PC: Today we’ll be watching a match that comes to us from New Japan Pro Wrestling in the far off year of 1994. The company’s Heavyweight champion was Shinya Hashimoto. Their Junior Heavyweight champion was Jushin “Thunder” Liger. They had a match together.
Coach: 1994. What can we say about 1994? That philanderer Clinton was president. Newt Gingrich was driving this country into the ground. Nirvana was corrupting our nation’s youth.
PC: None of this affected Japan in the least.
Coach: George H.W. Bush did throw up on their Prime Minister. Several years earlier. But still.
PC: Okay then.
Coach: And they were destroying our auto industry.
PC: To the match!
Coach: The lighting, the smoke. It has a Rumble in the Jungle kind of feel.
PC: Throwdown in Japan-town.
Coach: This match is Hurley from Lost vs. the Red Power Ranger.
PC: Liger is in fact based on a cartoon character.
Coach: Hentai, I hope.
PC: Hash starts off with a fat headlock on Liger. They set up the Power vs. Speed theme in the early going.
Coach: They are playing mercy. Liger does not win.
PC: Slow going until Hash starts kicking the hell out of Liger. Liger responds with several palm strikes of his own and caps it off with a rolling Kapo kick.
Coach: The fat guy just hit a dropkick. Just like Hurley.
PC: Hash settles things down again, using his weight to his advantage on the ground game.
Coach: New Japan…is it more Raw or more Smackdown?
PC: It’s more WCW. Fantastic juniors, not-so-fantastic heavyweights.
Coach: WCW. We need to watch some of that. Is Sting dead or is he still wrestling?
PC: He’s still wrestling.
Coach: Those are the only two choices with these guys, it seems.
PC: Hash kills Liger’s arm and kicks him really, really hard. Power is beating speed.
Coach: It’s too much weight for Liger to handle. And just when I say that, Liger hits several dropkicks to the knee of Hash.
PC: Liger attempts to lift Hash in to surfboard and the crowd loves it. Hash breaks free. Liger instead goes for another knee hold. Hash headbutts him for the trouble. And Liger slaps him away. Awesome.
Coach: Is the cartoon character that Liger is based on a mix between a lion and a tiger like in Napoleon Dynamite?
PC: He is an evil wrestler from another dimension that shoots lighting. I think. Hash has taken control again and works over Liger’s arm and back.
Coach: Liger unwisely goes for a powerbomb and he gets kicked in the face. He should stick to slapping him, I think.
PC: Every time it seems like Hash is going to run away with it, Liger pulls out something from his bag of tricks to prolong the inevitable.
Coach: I’m just waiting for Hurley to sit on him. Then it’ll be over for sure.
PC: Liger hits a missile dropkick to the knee from the top rope. And locks on the figure four! Crowd is shockingly quite for it. I think they prefer to see Liger trying to lift the big guy.
Coach: He did it!
PC: LIGER BOMB! FOR TWO!
Coach: He almost tipped over backward when he got him up.
PC: Liger sets up Hash for the Superplex and botches it into an inadvertent brainbuster. Wow.
Coach: This is reminiscent of Hogan bodyslamming Andre the Giant. At least, I think it is. I’ve never seen the match.
PC: Liger hits big move after big move now, including a sick Kapo kick into the corner, a top rope rana, and a bridging German Suplex. All for two. Liger hits a missile dropkick to the back of Hash’s head. Hash counters Liger with a deep arm drag and here come to kicks.
Coach: Crowd chants something that sounds like “Kumite” from Bloodsport. Did he ever wrestle, or was he just an “actor?”
PC: Hash hits a crazy looking leg sweep and a few more kicks to the head. Liger is not long for this world. Hash lifts him up and heads a brainbuster for the win.
Final Thoughts
PC: Fantastic match. I need to see much more Hashimoto. Liger played the underdog really well and it’s probably the first time I’m ever really seen him in that position. Plus he takes Hash’s kicks like a man and isn’t afraid to give it back.
Coach: An even match between two super powers over a wide blue expanse. Reminds me of something from about seventy years ago…
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
WWE NXT 5/4/10
PC: No Coach tonight for some mysterious reason. Instead, I will speculate on what Coach would think of each segment.
"Coach": Look at that guy's shirt! Look at that guy's hair!
PC: We start with a lineup of our NXT rookies. Stryker tells us (and them) that the bottom wrestler in next week's pro poll will be eliminated. High stakes. We also have an obstacle course tonight. I guess that has a little more to do with wrestling than the other challenges at least. Winner gets immunity.
"Coach": Daniel Bryan up first. I'll be sad to see him go next week. I wonder if his goodbye song will be "Time of Your Life" or "Had a Bad Day."
PC: Bryan has taped ribs and is selling his match/beatdown at the hands of Batista last night. I'm not sure the crowd knows that there is a telivision show being taped right now. Bryan even sells the fact the he can't drink the soda fast due to his injury. What a pro.
"Coach": I'm pretty sure that if this obstacle course is the criteria, I could be the next NXT winner.
PC: Uh oh, here comes the Miz. It'll be Daniel Bryan vs. Michael Tarver in a battle of the winless guys...next!
Daniel Bryan vs. Michael Tarver
PC: Bryan gets beat up from the very beginning. Different than the usual formula they've been putting him through. A sign of hope maybe? Bryan takes advantage and sets up for a Mexican Surfboard.
"Coach": Tap or Snap!
PC: Bryan hits some great looking offense and manages the pop the crowd out of their slumber. Tarver controls with a chin lock as we go to break.
"Coach": Man, do I hate people from Ukraine.
PC: Coach, what an odd thing for you to say. Back from break and Tarver is still in control. Bryan transitions with a flurry of stiff kicks all over the body of Tarver. Tarver, however, wins the match via some kind of weak powerslam. Post-match, Carlito hits a lungblower on Bryan's injured ribs as The Miz mocks him.
"Coach": They show a Darren Young recap from last week. We need more Darren Young in our lives. And more third trimester abortions.
PC: Coach, leave your extreme political views out of our wrestling blog. Punk gives Young an ultimatum. Win the obstacle course...or else.
"Coach": Heath Slater is up on the obstacle course and he easily tops Bryan. And now Darren Young. It seems that the bubbles in the soda are hurting everyone's throats.
PC: I could take any of them in a two liter challenge. Darren Young does not beat Slater's time. But Justin Gabriel does. David Otunga can't beat it either and I am bored. And it seems that the NXT gods have heard my lament. Otunga takes on R-Truth...right now.
David Otunga vs. R-Truth
PC: WHAT'S UP!
"Coach": WHAT'S UP!
PC: Must be a special occasion as we get the live rap from R-Truth tonight. R-Truth slaps Otunga to start. I feel like this is a good time to state for the record that R-Truth is by far my favorite Ron Killings iteration.
"Coach": And I think this is a good time to state for the record that Idi Amin had some good ideas.
PC: Back from the break and Otunga is in control. Otunga puts Truth into an abdominal stretch but Truth counters into an abdominal stretch of his own. R-Truth hits a series of leg lariats followed by a corkscrew back elbow for the pin.
"Coach": WHAT'S UP!
PC: WHAT'S UP!
"Coach": I am so happy he's on Raw now.
PC: Wade Barrett is up. He falls off the monkey bars and refuses to continue. Okay then. Skip Sheffield up and he just misses the target time. Stryker congratulates him anyway for some reason. And now Michael Tarver. We've gotta be getting close to the end of this, right?
"Coach": It can't end soon enough. This is riveting.
PC: Tarver pouts his way through the challenge until he taps out to the soda challenge. Justin Gabriel will be immune next week. Gabriel calls out Otunga. I guess both of them are safe. And, umm, Tarver admits that he should be eliminated next week. He also calls Daniel Bryan over-rated and that does not sit well with me.
"Coach": Even Daniel Bryan admits that he's over-rated. hahahahahahaha
PC: Blasphemy. Tensions are high as the show ends.
Final Thoughts
"Coach": Time for my Tea Party rally. Let me know what happens on Star Trek: The Next Generation.
PC: If next week is Daniel Bryan's last episode, it's my last episode.
"Coach": Look at that guy's shirt! Look at that guy's hair!
PC: We start with a lineup of our NXT rookies. Stryker tells us (and them) that the bottom wrestler in next week's pro poll will be eliminated. High stakes. We also have an obstacle course tonight. I guess that has a little more to do with wrestling than the other challenges at least. Winner gets immunity.
"Coach": Daniel Bryan up first. I'll be sad to see him go next week. I wonder if his goodbye song will be "Time of Your Life" or "Had a Bad Day."
PC: Bryan has taped ribs and is selling his match/beatdown at the hands of Batista last night. I'm not sure the crowd knows that there is a telivision show being taped right now. Bryan even sells the fact the he can't drink the soda fast due to his injury. What a pro.
"Coach": I'm pretty sure that if this obstacle course is the criteria, I could be the next NXT winner.
PC: Uh oh, here comes the Miz. It'll be Daniel Bryan vs. Michael Tarver in a battle of the winless guys...next!
Daniel Bryan vs. Michael Tarver
PC: Bryan gets beat up from the very beginning. Different than the usual formula they've been putting him through. A sign of hope maybe? Bryan takes advantage and sets up for a Mexican Surfboard.
"Coach": Tap or Snap!
PC: Bryan hits some great looking offense and manages the pop the crowd out of their slumber. Tarver controls with a chin lock as we go to break.
"Coach": Man, do I hate people from Ukraine.
PC: Coach, what an odd thing for you to say. Back from break and Tarver is still in control. Bryan transitions with a flurry of stiff kicks all over the body of Tarver. Tarver, however, wins the match via some kind of weak powerslam. Post-match, Carlito hits a lungblower on Bryan's injured ribs as The Miz mocks him.
"Coach": They show a Darren Young recap from last week. We need more Darren Young in our lives. And more third trimester abortions.
PC: Coach, leave your extreme political views out of our wrestling blog. Punk gives Young an ultimatum. Win the obstacle course...or else.
"Coach": Heath Slater is up on the obstacle course and he easily tops Bryan. And now Darren Young. It seems that the bubbles in the soda are hurting everyone's throats.
PC: I could take any of them in a two liter challenge. Darren Young does not beat Slater's time. But Justin Gabriel does. David Otunga can't beat it either and I am bored. And it seems that the NXT gods have heard my lament. Otunga takes on R-Truth...right now.
David Otunga vs. R-Truth
PC: WHAT'S UP!
"Coach": WHAT'S UP!
PC: Must be a special occasion as we get the live rap from R-Truth tonight. R-Truth slaps Otunga to start. I feel like this is a good time to state for the record that R-Truth is by far my favorite Ron Killings iteration.
"Coach": And I think this is a good time to state for the record that Idi Amin had some good ideas.
PC: Back from the break and Otunga is in control. Otunga puts Truth into an abdominal stretch but Truth counters into an abdominal stretch of his own. R-Truth hits a series of leg lariats followed by a corkscrew back elbow for the pin.
"Coach": WHAT'S UP!
PC: WHAT'S UP!
"Coach": I am so happy he's on Raw now.
PC: Wade Barrett is up. He falls off the monkey bars and refuses to continue. Okay then. Skip Sheffield up and he just misses the target time. Stryker congratulates him anyway for some reason. And now Michael Tarver. We've gotta be getting close to the end of this, right?
"Coach": It can't end soon enough. This is riveting.
PC: Tarver pouts his way through the challenge until he taps out to the soda challenge. Justin Gabriel will be immune next week. Gabriel calls out Otunga. I guess both of them are safe. And, umm, Tarver admits that he should be eliminated next week. He also calls Daniel Bryan over-rated and that does not sit well with me.
"Coach": Even Daniel Bryan admits that he's over-rated. hahahahahahaha
PC: Blasphemy. Tensions are high as the show ends.
Final Thoughts
"Coach": Time for my Tea Party rally. Let me know what happens on Star Trek: The Next Generation.
PC: If next week is Daniel Bryan's last episode, it's my last episode.
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