Coach: I'm ready.
PC: We start with a recap of the events leading up to the match.
Coach: Is this like an old-timey highlight package? This is much less polished than the current ones. Though it did show Savage attacking Warrior with a stage light and I'm all for that.
PC: Here's the jist of it. Warrior was the champ. Savage challenged him for the title and lost. When Warror refused Savage's request for a rematch, Savage cost Warrior the title at Royal Rumble. And here we are. If that's not enough, Bobby Heenan points out the fact that Miss Elizabeth is in the crowd to watch her former flame.
Coach: I'm already speechless. What Savage is wearing, that weird highlight package, that float he just came in on, the fact that he's playing the same song I graduated to.
PC: Just wait for Ultimate Warrior.
Coach: I'm having a lot of trouble trying to figure out which wreslter is more era-specific. There are so many tassles going on right now. Warrior has a technicolor dream coat.
PC: Based solely on wardrobe, pick me a winner.
Coach: Warrior has significantly more tassles, but Savage has a beard, a cowboy hat, he's covered in glitter head to toe, and he keeps pointing at his face for some reason.
PC: We star with lots of posing and playing to the crowd.
Coach: Man, roids were not even frowned upon at that time, were they?
PC: We get our first shot of Elizabeth in the crowd.
Coach: Some heavy drama.
PC: This match is arguably the peak of "Wrestling as a male soap opera."
Coach: I watched Rambo III a matter of hours ago and Ultimate Warrior is thrice as big as Rambo.
PC: Warrior tosses Sheri Martel out of the ring and continues to domminate Savage.
Coach: I can't wait for Savage to proclaim, "If I can't beat you, I have no career! Snap into a Slim Jim, Oh yeah!"
PC: Finally, one of the announcers declares this the greatest match of all time.
Coach: I lilke how Savage hangs onto the big hair, even though he's losing it. Sure, you can hide it with a cowboy hat, but once the match starts...
PC: Savage has taken control. He posts Warrior allowing Sherri to interfere more on the outside. Warrior goes for a backslide, probably for the first time in his career.
Coach:
We just got "history being made" and "largest PPV audience ever" in the same sentence. That in itself is probably historic.PC: Savage locks in a sleeper hold.
Coach: Tap or snap!
PC: Warrior begins to power up and the crowd goes apeshit for his shoulderblocks and clotheslines. Both men end up on the canvas. Small package by Warrior, another career first.
Coach: The ref goes down! Sherri tries to attack Warrior with her spike heel but Warrior ducks out of the way and Savage gets the worst of it. Warrior outsmarting someone, surely another career first.
PC: Lots of nearfalls now. Warrior getting blown up actually works in his favor for this match as Savage's offense looks absolutely brutal here. Savage drops the elbow!
Coach: Like Hans Gruber would say: "Hit it again."
PC: And he does. Again and again and again. Warrior kicks out and Savage has the bug eyes at critical mass right now. Warriors starts to pump himself up.
Coach: Truly the greatest fake seizure in the business.
PC: Warrior signals for the press slam. He hits it, followed by the Warrior Splash...for two!
Coach: Is he seriously looking up to his gods? You told me this match would be drama-filled, but I didn't know it would be full-on Greek Mythology drama.
PC: Warrior threatens to walk out because the gods have abandoned him. This moment is rivaled Jesus weeping in the garden of Gethsemene. Savage hits him from behind, knocking Warrior to the floor. He climbs to the top rope and dives at Warrior, only to land face first on the metal crowd barrier.
Coach: Trivia Question: Which one did more steroids. I know it may be a tough one to the naked eye.
PC: As Warrior hits big move after big move on Savage, we get more of Elizabeth in the crowd until Warrior wins the match. Better tissues out Coach.
Coach: Warrior's going back in the ring. Nothing happens, I guess he just showboat.
PC: Sherri mocks Savage and kicks him while he's down.
Coach: No!
PC: Elizabeth hops out of her seat and runs into the ring. She throws Sherri out of the ring!
Coach: She's covered in glitter too!
PC: Savage appeals to the crowd for relationship advice.
Coach: Everything is so morally ambiguous now.
PC: Savage stares at Elizabeth until he runs to her and hugs her in quite possibly the only positive moment between a man and a woman in a wrestling ring ever. We see several shots of people crying in the audience. It comes to a pinnacle when Savage opens the ropes for Elizabeth for the first time. Now that's history.
Coach: You don't see this kind of chivalry in the WWE nowadays.
Final Thoughts
Coach: They just don't make 'em like they used to. I need to see more of this era.
PC: I plan on winning my future-wife in similar circumstances to this match.
No comments:
Post a Comment