PC: What better way to spend a Saturday morning than watching Japanese wrestling? Today we brew up a pot of Chase & Sanborn, which is about as stiff as the chops in this match.
Coach: This match is brought to you by Chase & Sanborn.
PC: I already alluded to that.
Coach: It’s worth mentioning twice.
PC: This is one of my favorite matches like Robocop is one of my favorite movies. It’s super fun, there’s tons of action, and a weird looking mutant explodes after he gets hit by a car.
Coach: I’m already blown away by the production value.
PC: They don’t joke around over there. They think this shit is real.
Coach: 180 cm tall? What a strange land Japan must be. Speaking of cultural differences, not enough people here come out in elaborate robes. And the “Kobashi” chant sounds suspiciously like “Sexy Boy.”
PC: Maybe you should put the coffee down, Coach.
Coach: I’m not putting down this Chase & Sanborn…TM. Founded in 1859. And streamers!
PC: The bell rings and the juniors go right at it. Awesome, intense opening sequence that ends in a double dropkick spot.
Coach: The dropkick seems far less effective when your opponent is going for it at the same time.
PC: Kensuke and Kobashi in now. They trade shoulderblocks and then tease a chop battle before settling into a test of strength.
Coach: I didn’t know playing Mercy was a viable wrestling hold. Interesting choice of biking shorts by the green team.
PC: Go introduces his elbow to Kensuke’s face. Kensuke teaches the junior how to chop like a man. Nakajima tags in and works him over until Go hits a big time dropkick.
Coach: This needs picture in picture KFC Double Down Raw Replays.
PC: Kobashi reminds Nakajima that he is the alpha male in NOAH.
Coach: There are chest chops and there are “I’m going to chop your chest in half.”
PC: Kobashi has only heard of the latter.
Coach: Wait, what is NOAH?
PC: After the owner of All Japan died, most of the wrestlers left to form a new company. Sort of like Noah’s Ark. Meanwhile, Go lifts Nakajima in a surfboard and Kobashi unleashes a brutal chop to his chest.
Coach: They should call that the chopping block.
PC: Hot tag to Kensuke! He and Kobashi stand toe-to-toe and whale on each other with chops.
Coach: This is mist coming off of them! This is awesome. I hope the rest of the match is this, until one of them collapses.
PC: Now you know why Bob and I did this during parties all the time.
Coach: They drew blood on those chops. And without the use of a razor blade. Holy shit.
PC: Now it’s the juniors’ turn. They tease suplexes.
Coach: Need to get a full healthy grab around the crotch for those lifts.
PC: Kensuke unleashes half a dozen clotheslines on the chest and back of Go.
Coach: He should call that one the “Divine Wind.”
PC: You just reached your WWII reference quota for this match.
Coach: I’ve got plenty more in the bank.
PC: Though the match has settled down, the crowd is still super-hot. They react to every single thing these guys are doing. Every tag gets a huge cheer. And they go absolutely apeshit for Go finally suplexing Kensuke.
Coach: Kobashi back in. Machine Gun chops! In some ways, this could be looked at as doing the other guy a favor. Until the spin chop! And again!
PC: All four trade head drops until everyone is down dead on the mat. My favorite part of any NOAH tag.
Coach: Kensuke’s doing something nasty to Kobashi’s armpit right now.
PC: As the announcer told you, that’s clearly a STRANGLE-U HOLD! Nakajima comes in and hit machine gun kicks to Kobashi’s chest in the corner.
Coach: Kobashi blocked a dropkick by chopping! Nothing beats the chop. He could probably stop a truck by using chops.
PC: He could stop the asteroid in Armageddon with a chop.
Coach: He could stop the comet in Deep Impact with a chop.
PC: I would pay a hundred dollars to see Kobashi vs. Predator.
Coach: I would pay a hundred dollars to see Kobashi/Nixon.
PC: Oh yeah, there’s a match going on. Go wastes Nakajima with a pair of brutal German Suplexes. Go goes for a moonsault but Nakajima gets the knees up. They trade kicks until both collapse. The crowd is going crazy.
Coach: Go just hit Sweet Chin Music. I knew the crowd wanted some Sexy Boy.
PC: Kensuke wastes Go with a lariat before lifting Nakajima and having him kick Go. Kensuke beats on Go some more until hitting him with another (even more insane looking) lariat. The ref counts three and this one is over.
Coach: That was awesome.
Final Thoughts
PC: Like I said, one of my favorite matches.
Coach: I certainly can’t think of a better way to spend a Saturday morning.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment