PC: Late start on Raw tonight. We tune in just in time to see Daniel Bryan get Batista-bombed. God damn it.
Coach: True, but it was after the match. So at least you didn't have to see him lose again.
PC: Hey, apparently there is beat the clock challenge on Raw tonight. We seem to have missed quite a bit so far and we're only 25 minutes in.
Coach: I'll tell you one thing we haven't missed: Wayne Brady.
PC: Back from the break and Wayne Brady is sweet-talking one of the nameless breast-on-a-stick divas. One of the other ones decides to sing. Out of nowhere, one of the chicks is attacked by a third chick.
Coach: Edge on Raw. He is wearing the same outfit that he was wearing on last week's Raw. Faux Pas.
PC: Edge calls the Production Assistant a "tool shed." Boo!
Coach: Holy shit! Tomorrow's NXT Main Event is David "A-List" Otunga vs. R-Truth! His own Pro!
PC: WHAT'S UP!
Coach: WHAT'S UP!
PC: Ted DiBiase comes down to the ring and mocks R-Truth's What's Up catchphrase. How dare him! Truth's tag parter John Morrison answers the challenge.
Coach: John Morrison comes down to the ring and gives his sunglasses away. Do we have a new Bret Hart in waiting here?
PC: No.
Ted DiBiase Jr. vs. John Morrison
Coach: This match has Smackdown written all over it.
PC: Morrison controls early and hits a big dive out of the ring. An easily impressed segment of the crowd chants about how awesome it was.
Coach: Wow. DiBiase takes a countout loss rather than get back in the ring.
PC: Or not. Morrison offers to be Virgil if DiBiase comes back and wins the match.
Coach: I don't think he talking about the Aenied.
PC: I sing of arms and a man...
Coach: I get the reference, but I don't know if that's a direction we should go in.
PC: Fair enough. We go to commercial as DiBiase heads back to the ring.
Coach: I feel like this is a good time to mention that The Rock's Toothfairy is out now on DVD and Blu-Ray.
PC: Back from the break and Teddy is in control. Morrison bounces back and hits his fancy-pants offense until DiBiase knocked him off the ropes. Morrison ends up winning by reversing the Million Dollar Dream into a bridging pin. Match was pretty good.
Coach: Ted goes after Morrison after the bell but R-Truth makes the save. And here comes the theme music.
PC: WHAT'S UP!
Coach: WHAT'S UP!
John Cena vs. Chris Jericho
PC: This is a beat the clock challenge for Cena. The time is 5:06
Coach: Fact of the day: Cena means dinner in Spanish.
PC: Jericho enters in a suit. Which I guess means he won't be wrestling tonight.
Coach: It could be a tear-away suit, just to fake Cena out.
PC: Jericho has picked an opponent for Cena: Wade Barrett. It's NXT night on RAW apparently.
Coach: Oh man. Cena is gonna eat him for...wait for it...dinner.
John Cena vs. Wade Barrett
PC: Cena goes for some early pins but Barrett won't stay down. Barrett takes control after some Jericho interference a minute and a half in. With a minute to go, Barrett is still in control.
Coach: That is until Cena gets him in a Tap or Snap move.
PC: Not everyone calls it a "Tap or Snap" move.
Coach: Whatever. I do. And that's the same move he used to beat Batista in the Greatest Match of All Time Ever.
PC: Sheamus comes out and beats on Cena post match.
Coach: Please God somebody give him a microphone.
PC: No such luck as Sheamus heads to the back.
Maryse vs. Nikki Bella
PC: This is a Divas match.
Coach: Oh goody.
PC: I have never heard of either of these two.
Coach: Sounds like a good time for a bodega break!
PC: Maryse wins a short match with a move called "The French Kiss." She is from Montreal. We need more evil wrestlers from Quebec. That's one thing that WWE has never skrimped on.
Coach: Another chick runs down to the ring.
PC: Sans shoes. Gross.
Coach: Some guy named Zack Ryder is talking in the ring.
PC: Ryder used to be one of the Major Brothers. Wayne Brady decides that he will be wrestling Mark Henry tonight.
Zack Ryder vs. Mark Henry
PC: Mark Henry bodyslams Ryder a couple times. Make that three.
Coach: Mark Henry is almost spherical.
PC: He is also the winner of this match.
Coach: World's Strongest Slam is such a great name for a finisher.
PC: Backstage, the Miz and Chris Jericho commiserate.
Coach: Jericho is pretty much an older version of The Miz. I don't know why these two haven't united sooner.
PC: It appears that they will be targeting the Big Show in some fashion.
Coach: More Wayne Brady. He's talking to the Russian Guy and...
PC: Oh no...
Coach: I don't know about this...
PC: It's not exactly black face, but...
Coach: Moving on.
PC: Goldust! Apparently that was about the Brady Bunch as Goldust is dressed up like Alice. I guess we were too busy cringing to hear what was going on.
Coach: Great Khali, coming to Raw.
PC: Hart Dynasty too. And they will be up next.
Hart Dynasty vs. Vladamir Kozlov & William Regal
PC: Tag titles on the line here.
Coach: Why are Regal and Kozlov teaming?
PC: Because WWE is stupid. And never stupider than when it comes to tag teams.
Coach: Miz and Jericho, now there's a tag team.
PC: Match starts of with Kidd taking an awkward bump from the top to the outside. Regal and Kozlov take turns working over the arm. Kozlov hits a brutal arm-trap flip-over slam that the crowd cares nothing about. Hot tag to Smith. He locks the sharpshooter on Regal and Regal taps before it's even flipped over.
Coach: Jericho and Miz take out the Harts. Yes! My most recent dream has come true.
PC: Next week's host will be Flava Flav. Hilarious.
Coach: Here comes Edge. Still wearing the same outfit as last week.
PC: Edge calls himself the most controversial superstar in the history of WWE. Chris Benoit must be rolling over in his grave.
Coach: Edge talks and talks and talks.
PC: Wayne Brady interrupts. He talks about what a huge wrestling fan he is and how he wants to follow in Edge's footsteps, or something.
Coach: Randy Orton interrupts Brady. And man oh man is that a delicious t-shirt. I am totally buying that out of the next WWE catalogue that comes for you. If that's not authentic Ed Hardy, it should be.
PC: Orton RKO's Wayne Brady! Crowd is stunned. Edge is still talking. Edge proposes that they team up again. This goes on seemingly forever. They finally atack each other. Edge goes for the spear but Orton hits a big RKO as we fade out.
Final Thoughts
Coach: Good to be back watching live wrestling again rather than stuff from decades ago.
PC: True, but tonight's episode was not...very...good.
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