Juventud Guerrera vs. Paul London 10/25/05

PC: Through the magic of Youtube we will watch an old WWE Velocity match. Juventud Guerrera (past his prime) vs. Paul London (totally neutered by the WWE style at the time). Both are capable of being awesome. Let’s see what happens.

Coach: I vaguely remember this show. Wait. Are you serious? I am going to have to restrain myself from making any additional comments on Juvi coming to the ring on a John Deere.

PC: It’s okay. All the Mexicools used to do it. Paul London kicked ass in Ring of Honor and I always hoped that he would be able to do some damage in WWE.

Coach: This aired on FOX. FOX must have felt like they needed to get in on the wrestling bandwagon. But they couldn’t bring themselves to totally commit, so they went with Velocity.

PC: Juvi was Cruiserweight champ at the time and the title is on the line. I’m honestly not even sure if the Cruiserweight title exists anymore. They start it off with the typical juniors chain wrestling sequence.

Coach: Is Juvi the Sugar Ray Leonard of WWE?

PC: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Coach: The announcer said something about how he used to be a heavyweight but he dropped down to another division.

PC: I wouldn’t trust Stephen Romero. Quick exchange followed by the standoff/respect spot. Next is a knuckle lock that goes down to the mat. Juvi jumps up to the ropes while still in the knuckle lock and blows the spot. I don’t think Sugar Ray Leonard would have done that.

Coach: The Youtube kinda gives away how much time is left on the match. I haven’t been surprised by a kickout yet.

PC: Juvi runs at London and is hit by an absolutely badass dropkick for his troubles. London follows up with a Razor’s Edge attempt that is countered into a rana. They trade power moves. London’s got a ton of snap on his various jump-kicks right now. I still can't believe he never managed to get over even a little bit.

Coach: Juvi hits a badass dropkick into London’s stomach while he was in mid-air. I like Juvi. We need to watch more of him.

PC: Juvi hits a sloppy dragonrana (that made it look all the more effective) dropping London right on his head, followed by a Juvi Driver for the win.

Final Thoughts

PC: Fun, fun, fun match with Juvi only screwing up once. We will be watching much more Velocity stuff in the future.

Coach: I really want to watch the Booker T/Chris Benoit match that was advertised right after this one ended. Just two old guys going at it. I don’t want to see a young Chris Benoit fighting a young Booker T. Promise we will watch old people matches.

PC: I promise.

Bryan Danielson vs. Koji Kanemoto 6/13/04

PC: Thus far we’ve only done WWE shows. Well the universe (of this blog) is about to change forever. Tonight we look at Bryan Danielson AKA Daniel Bryan AKA The American Dragon AKA The Best Wrestler in the World in action.

Coach: This is a special edition coming from my bedroom. We have another, sleeping, roommate who also is not a fan of wrestling. Only she is far less tolerant.

PC: To the match! Kanemoto gets right up in Danielson’s face to start things off. They take it to the mat early with Danielson in control.

Coach: I don’t know any Japanese, but I’m pretty sure the announcer is already calling this the greatest match of all time.

PC: Danielson stomps the arm and Coach winces.

Coach: That looks like it could really hurt. And Daniel Bryan just gave Kanemoto a headbutt…to the butt.

PC: Kanemoto goes for the ankle lock but Danielson gets the ropes. This match has already gotten more time than all his NXT matches combined. And Kanemoto, who normally just kicks the crap out of guys, is giving Danielson quite a bit of offense.

Coach: I like the crushed velvet blue floor of the ring. Much classier than WWE. Almost looks comfortable to fall on.

PC: While Coach works on his interior design major, Danielson heels it up and works the crowd until Kanemoto hits a big spinning leg lariat off the ropes to take control. He goes for his signature spots including an ankle lock and some boot scrapes in the corner. I’m disappointed in the lack of badass kicks though.

Coach: I like Danielson’s weird uppercuts. And the fact that he’s not talking. Then again, I’m not getting to know him through stupid challenges.

PC: Danielson goes to the top but Kanemoto catches him with a nice dropkick. Danielson recovers and hits a top rope backdrop…for two! Danielson locks on a modified crossface that bends Kanemoto’s back in a crazy way.

Coach: Tap or snap!

PC: Danielson goes for a killer head drop but Kanemoto counters into an ankle lock. And Danielson counters into an ankle lock of his own. And Kanemoto counters into a crazy twisty double ankle lock. Danielson taps! And that’s it for this one.

Coach: He tapped or snapped!

Final Thoughts

Coach: I was afraid that Kanemoto would awaken the sleeping giant.

PC: Good match, lots of fun counters, some good strikes, not enough kicks. Not a bad way to kill twelve minute.

Coach: I hope we watch more Japanese stuff. I have lots of WWII-related jokes that I’m looking forward to using.

PC: I have a feeling you’ll run out of WWII jokes before I run out of Japanese wrestling.

4/27/10 NXT Recap

Coach: NXT tonight!!! We are introduced to our 8 rookies; Daniel Bryan has a beard. This will be good. The announcer announces another stupid contest “the Seal the Deal Challenge” the rookies will do shitty on.

PC: I hope it’s as good as the egg and spoon contest they did some time ago.

Coach: Apparently they each have to sell as much WWE merchandise as they can within 60 seconds. Skip Sheffield goes first. We have no idea how he does; we have no one else to compare him to yet because…

Christian and Heath Slater (rookie) vs. Jericho and Wade Barrett (rookie)

Coach: The greatest upset in NXT history occurred when Slater beat Jericho last NXT.

PC: Try WWE history. Wade Barrett trades kicks with Christian, the announcers can’t get over how angry Jericho looks.

Coach: How could he be? Slater apologized to him on Raw?!

PC: Jericho gets his revenge. He pins Slater after Christian is knocked out of the ring by Barrett.
Seal the Deal Challenge Contestant #2: Daniel Bryan

Coach: Bryan makes no money in 60 seconds because he gave everything away (commie bastard), Cole calls him a tool. Something is wrong with Cole calling anyone other than himself a tool.

PC: Daniel Bryan is a former GHC Junior Heavyweight Champion. Did KENTA ever have to sell programs? Did Sugiura ever have to carry a keg around the ring?

Coach: We cut away to Tarver and his pro in a parking lot. Tarver is being made to carry his bags.

PC: This is quickly followed by the 3000th highlight package of what happened at Extreme Rules. Hey Coach, did you know that you encore presentations of Extreme Rules are still available?

Coach: Pay Per View does not have special features, I’m waiting for the Bluray.

Seal the Deal Challenge contestant #3: Justin Gabriel

Coach: He does pretty well considering his unfamiliarity with American currency.

Michael Tarver vs. Darren Young

Coach: We are given a nice highlight package of Tarver’s NXT career with comments from Pros, he gets mixed reviews.

PC: They should have spent the money on getting Antonio Tarver and then jobbed him out like Daniel Bryan because “he doesn’t know how to be a real pro.”

Coach: The announcers mention their AXE hair gel sponsors as Young walks out.

PC: Best hair of NXT: Young or Slater?

Coach: Young.

PC: Wrong. It’s Daniel Bryan’s beard.

Coach: Young wins in a quick match. He had some help from a straight edge society member.

PC: Coach, in a month you'll know the names of everyone in the Straight Edge Society.

Coach: God help me.

Seal the Deal Challenge contestant #4: David Otunga

Coach: Otunga is a celebrity so he gets a personal assistant to do his work for him.

PC: I thought he was Jennifer Hudson’s personal assistant.

Coach: Otunga does surprisingly well. As we go to commercial we find out that the main event is Sheffield vs. Miz in a “Both of these guys are pretty ugly and I’m not sure who to root for” match.

PC: Sheffield’s definitely uglier, root for him.

Coach: Back from commercial, we get a Raw highlight package. Check yesterday’s post for the REAL recap.

PC: Hey! A Justin Gabriel highlight video.

Coach: (slowly turns head) “I think Mandella wants me to win NXT.”

PC: Back from the break and Heath Slater is trying to master the concept of “commerce.”

Coach: They’re dropping like $20 apiece for those programs.

PC: That seems crazy. Even for me.

Coach: Then again, those programs were touched by Heath Slater.

PC: Darren Young is up.

Coach: Go Darren Young! These little contests give you a good opportunity to look at the crowd. Or gawk at the crowd.

PC: Get out of your ivory tower, Coach. Rapid fire as Michael Tarver is up. Actually, he walks out. I’m not digging his "conscientious objector" gimmick.

Coach: Wade Barrett now. He steals the money.

PC: Cole thinks this is the greatest ruse since Keyser Soze convinced the devil he didn’t exist. Or something.

Coach: We get a video of what the pros think of Daniel Bryan.

PC: Bryan “The American Dragon” Danielson is one of the best wrestlers in the world and I'm honored to watch him lose every week.

Coach: Tap or snap. I like it.

PC: David Otunga calls out R-Truth. WHAT’S UP!

Coach: WHAT’S UP!

The Miz vs. Skip Sheffield (rookie)

Coach: Nice makeup job on the Miz.

PC: I guess that’s supposed to be from Big Show’s punch last night. Miz sells the punch further by cutting a mumbled, cotton-mouthed promo. He announces that he won’t be able to compete tonight and…jfas;ljdf;asldkjf;aj

Coach: Daniel Bryan will be taking The Miz’s place. PC just became incapacitated with joy.

PC: Ok, I’m good. Bryan starts off hot with several dropkicks and submission attempts. Looking great through thirty seconds.

Coach: Sheffield wears Daniel Bryan like a backpack, drops him, and wins the match out of nowhere.

PC: Fuck.

Final Thoughts

Coach: Daniel Bryan has a Shawn Michaels-esque beard.

PC: He actually trained at Michaels’s wrestling school. 0-9 on NXT, #1 in my heart.

Coach: And now, off to our Star Trek: The Next Generation blog!

4/26/10 WWE Raw: The Draft!

PC: Are you ready for the universe to change?

Coach: I can't wait to see who goes to Smackdown!

PC: So that we can never watch them again.

Coach: I wonder who is going to make the mistake of drafting R-Truth who, as we saw last week, is now dead.

PC: You could say the same thing about Bret Hart. We start with a graphic of all the WWE Superstars.

Coach: It looks like we're about to play Tekken.

Miz & Big Show vs. The Hart Dynasty

PC: I met Miz once. It was in a haunted Civil War fort. Seriously.

Coach: His face is too small for his head.

PC: We head to commercial break with the Hart kids fully in control. I had no idea who Tyson Kidd was until I wikipedia'd him and found that he used to be internet darling TJ Wilson (hey, I took a two and a half year hiatus from wrestling when Chris Benoit killed his family. Gimme a break).

Coach: How do they know how to cue up the instant replay so fast. It's like they know what's coming...

PC: Miz and Show go into a heat segment, isolating Kidd in the ring. I hadn't realized that they were so over as heels. Hot tag to Smith and the crowd is nuts for the rest of the match. Hart Attack, Sharpshooter, and WE HAVE NEW CHAMPIONS!

Coach: We say this a lot, but this was, arguably, the greatest tag team match in the history of Monday Night Raw.

PC: Good stuff. Great way to start off the show. Hart kids are a lot of fun, even if 3/4 of their offense in tribute spots.

Coach: Recap of Cena vs. Batista from last night. We should have ordered Extreme Rules. Because we missed the greatest, most epic match ever.

PC: During the break, we see that Big Show knocked out Miz post match.

Coach: Former tag partners fight each other. That almost never happens, right?

PC: Never. We find out that The All-American American is also an Academic All-American.

Coach: Diva's match. Time to watch basketball!

Dwight Howard vs. The Bobcats

PC: Dwight's not getting much face heat in Charlotte. And we're between quarters. I'm switching back.

LeyCool vs. Two Girls that I missed the name of...sorry

Coach: What are they chanting?

PC: I think they're saying, "We want titties."

Coach: A classy Richmond crowd. I just saw a great sign: WWE: We Won't Draft Tebow.

PC: This sounds like Monica Seles playing tennis. LeyCool wins it and Smackdown gets a lottery pick. Is there no justice in the world? And...Kelly Kelly is switching brands.

Matt Sydal...err, Evan Bourne vs. CM Punk

PC: I definitely have grainy VHS tapes of these guys wrestling in various indies. Starts off fast with Bourne reversing into a sweet looking headscissor. Things settle in as Punk goes on the offensive. I get the urge to watch his 60 minute matches with Samoa Joe and the 93 minute match with Chris Hero. Bourne takes to the air and regains control until he is derailed by outside interference. Punk wins with the Go 2 Sleep.

Coach: I got another name for the Straight Edge Society: Terrorists.

PC: Smackdown gets another draft pick. This time it is...The Big Show!

Coach: Big Show definitely forgot his lines when he was talking to Mike Singletary.

PC: That was Smackdown GM Teddy Long. I don't force you to watch Smackdown, so I can understand if you don't know that. Here comes Sheamus to criticize Triple H. And here comes Randy Orton to shut him up.

Coach: Randy Orton seems to be the writers' go-to guy whenever they have writer's block. Orton seems to be implying that "The way you hate on Triple H is inferior to the way I hate on Triple H."

PC: And here comes Cena to shut them both up. Cena introduces tonight's Guest Host...wait for it...no one, apparently. Cena takes a phone call and rips on Sheamus's Irish-ness.

Coach: He also finally solved the mystery of why he wrestles in jean shorts.

PC: This is already more satisfying than Lost. Cena then announces a number one contender's match: Sheamus vs. Randy Orton.

Coach: We have our main event, ladies and gentlemen! Or perhaps just gentlemen and younger gentlemen.

Interbrand Battle Royale

PC: Three draft picks on the line here for the winner.

Coach: R-Truth! He's Alive! I don't see how he could lose this match, considering that he recovered from an explosion in only a week.

PC: We head to commercial break as the midcarders half-heartedly trade forearms.

Coach: I'm pretty sure Mark Henry used to be Sexual Chocolate.

PC: Correct. Things are whittled down to Mysterio vs. El Hijo del DiBiase. DiBiase wins after an extended sequence on the apron. Three draft picks to Raw...John Morrison.

Coach: I remember him from Wayne's World 2.

PC: Next pick...R-Truth!

Coach: R-Truth is on Raw! WHAT'S UP!

PC: WHAT'S UP!

Coach: And there's one more...Edge! The Rated-R Superstar!

PC: We get a commercial for the Wrestlemania XXVI DVD.

Coach: Dare I say it...Wrestlemania on Blu-Ray?

PC: First we need an HD TV. Then we need a Blu-Ray Player. Then we need Predator. Then we can get Wrestlemania. We come back and Jericho whines about losing to Edge at Extreme Rules. Edge also whines about losing to a "faceless, nameless rookie" on NXT last week.

Coach: He's not faceless and nameless! He's Heath Slater, the One-Man Rock Band.

PC: Jericho invites Slater down to the ring to apologize for embarrassing him last week. Cole proclaims it the biggest upset in WWE history. Obviously he's forgetting Funaki over Triple H.

Coach: I'm with Cole here.

Christian vs. Chris Jericho

PC: Christian works Jericho's ankle early. Coach decides this is a good time to go to the bodega as we go to commercial. Back from commercial and Jericho is in control. Slater bounces around like a goof at ringside. Jericho misses a lionsault and we transition back to Christian's offense. Jericho looks good with short hair, and he's definitely a better heel. Back and forth TV match formula ensues, worked well by both. Christian dives from the top rope right into the Code Breaker. Cool finish. Jericho beats up Christian and Slater afterward. Smackdown gets Kofi Kingston as their pick. He immediately attacks Jericho. In other news, Coach is back!

Coach: I got milk, bread, juice, and tomato sauce (because I have lots of leftover pasta. Still). Also, I have to change my PIN number.

PC: Fact of the Day: The WWE Vault has over 100,000 hours of footage.

Coach: How secure do you think the WWE Vault is?

PC: Only one way to find out...heist.

Coach: I'll get started on trying to find an Inside Man.

Jack Swagger vs. John Morrison

PC: Morrison representing Raw after being drafted earlier tonight. Apparently, Morrison beat Swagger on Smackdown a few weeks ago. Coach decides to make a plate of pasta rather than watch this one. Swagger does some amateur moves and slaps the back of Morrison's head. Crowd doesn't seem to care. Swagger works a headlock like he watched Flair/Steamboat last night. He maintains control as we set a new record for mid-match commercials.

Coach: From what I could hear in the kitchen, this is not the greatest match ever...but it's damn close.

PC: We come back and Swagger is still dominating. Morrison mounts various comebacks before Swagger nails him with the Doctor Bomb. Or the All-American Bomb or Sooner Bomb or whatever the WWE has decided to call it. And Smackdown gets....Christian!

Coach: Next week's Raw Host is Wayne Brady. I hope he sings. Also, does going to Smackdown count as a demotion?

PC: Teddy DiBiase asks R-Truth...

Coach: WHAT'S UP!

PC: WHAT'S UP! ...to be his bodyguard. R-Truth says he's no Virgil and slaps DiBiase. Cole claims that we just witnessed history. God damn it. Awkward segue into a video package of Cena supporting the troops.

(Coach tries to speak but quickly gets choked up)

Dolph Ziggler vs. Hornswaggle

PC: Hornswaggle, dressed in cammo, is also supporting the troops tonight.

(Coach is still choked up)

PC: Hornswaggle somehow wins by countout. Dolph gets revenge via the dreaded Sleeper Hold.

Coach: They just said "Manhandle Hornswaggle."

PC: Chris Jericho is coming to Raw.

Coach: It's essentially a two team league. You'd think Smackdown would be doing a little better. Who's making these picks, Matt Millen?

PC: Mel Kiper would not approve of this strategy. We get another highlight package of last night's Cena/Batista Last Man Standing Match.

Coach: Dare I say it...Extreme Rules on Blu-Ray?

PC: Uh-oh, here comes Batista.

Coach: He seems very close to calling John Cena the N-word.

PC: Sheamus comes out and hates on Batista. Orton interrupts.

Coach: Orton hates on other haters. Any time someone's hating, he has to come out and tell them how much better a hater he is.

PC: Cena interrupts and announces that it will be a Triple Threat match. Right now.

Batista vs. Randy Orton vs. Sheamus

PC: They take turns beating each other up one on one. Orton does his unconvincing "Crazy Eyes" thing.

Coach: It's the battle of the tattooed mus...Oh My God a guy in an NWO t-shirt!

PC: Orton is dominating Batista. Not much Sheamus so far.

Coach: Sheamus took a break to reapply his sunscreen.

PC: Did you know Batista is like 42?

Coach: No way! What is he gonna do after WWE doesn't resign him? What other career options does a tattooed, muscly, 42 year old have?

PC: TNA, I guess.

Coach: Perhaps Scorpion King 3?

PC: Back from commercial and Sheamus is in control of Orton. The Prince of Persia Replay shows us that Batista hit both the ring post and the ring steps during the break. Orton regains control but is cut off by a recovered Batista. Control rotates again as each guy starts to hit power moves.

Coach: Oh no! Orton's got the crazy eyes!

PC: Not for long. We get into the "one guy hits a big move and goes for a pin only to have it broken up by the third guy" section of the match.

Coach: It's frustrating, but it makes for all-time great matches.

PC: Orton hits the RKO only to be taken out by EDGE! Batista drapes his arm over Orton and we have a winner!

Coach: I think we have our Fatal 4Way main event.

Final Thoughts

PC: Solid show. Most of the matches had time and the workers delivered. I think I liked the tag match best. It also did a good job of setting up the next couple months of feuds, even if we have to do Cena vs. Batista yet again.

Coach: Some of the greatest wrestling that's ever been wrestled. Certainly historic. Looking forward to R-Truth on Raw.

PC: Until tomorrow...