Coach: NXT tonight!!! We are introduced to our 8 rookies; Daniel Bryan has a beard. This will be good. The announcer announces another stupid contest “the Seal the Deal Challenge” the rookies will do shitty on.
PC: I hope it’s as good as the egg and spoon contest they did some time ago.
Coach: Apparently they each have to sell as much WWE merchandise as they can within 60 seconds. Skip Sheffield goes first. We have no idea how he does; we have no one else to compare him to yet because…
Christian and Heath Slater (rookie) vs. Jericho and Wade Barrett (rookie)
Coach: The greatest upset in NXT history occurred when Slater beat Jericho last NXT.
PC: Try WWE history. Wade Barrett trades kicks with Christian, the announcers can’t get over how angry Jericho looks.
Coach: How could he be? Slater apologized to him on Raw?!
PC: Jericho gets his revenge. He pins Slater after Christian is knocked out of the ring by Barrett.
Seal the Deal Challenge Contestant #2: Daniel Bryan
Coach: Bryan makes no money in 60 seconds because he gave everything away (commie bastard), Cole calls him a tool. Something is wrong with Cole calling anyone other than himself a tool.
PC: Daniel Bryan is a former GHC Junior Heavyweight Champion. Did KENTA ever have to sell programs? Did Sugiura ever have to carry a keg around the ring?
Coach: We cut away to Tarver and his pro in a parking lot. Tarver is being made to carry his bags.
PC: This is quickly followed by the 3000th highlight package of what happened at Extreme Rules. Hey Coach, did you know that you encore presentations of Extreme Rules are still available?
Coach: Pay Per View does not have special features, I’m waiting for the Bluray.
Seal the Deal Challenge contestant #3: Justin Gabriel
Coach: He does pretty well considering his unfamiliarity with American currency.
Michael Tarver vs. Darren Young
Coach: We are given a nice highlight package of Tarver’s NXT career with comments from Pros, he gets mixed reviews.
PC: They should have spent the money on getting Antonio Tarver and then jobbed him out like Daniel Bryan because “he doesn’t know how to be a real pro.”
Coach: The announcers mention their AXE hair gel sponsors as Young walks out.
PC: Best hair of NXT: Young or Slater?
Coach: Young.
PC: Wrong. It’s Daniel Bryan’s beard.
Coach: Young wins in a quick match. He had some help from a straight edge society member.
PC: Coach, in a month you'll know the names of everyone in the Straight Edge Society.
Coach: God help me.
Seal the Deal Challenge contestant #4: David Otunga
Coach: Otunga is a celebrity so he gets a personal assistant to do his work for him.
PC: I thought he was Jennifer Hudson’s personal assistant.
Coach: Otunga does surprisingly well. As we go to commercial we find out that the main event is Sheffield vs. Miz in a “Both of these guys are pretty ugly and I’m not sure who to root for” match.
PC: Sheffield’s definitely uglier, root for him.
Coach: Back from commercial, we get a Raw highlight package. Check yesterday’s post for the REAL recap.
PC: Hey! A Justin Gabriel highlight video.
Coach: (slowly turns head) “I think Mandella wants me to win NXT.”
PC: Back from the break and Heath Slater is trying to master the concept of “commerce.”
Coach: They’re dropping like $20 apiece for those programs.
PC: That seems crazy. Even for me.
Coach: Then again, those programs were touched by Heath Slater.
PC: Darren Young is up.
Coach: Go Darren Young! These little contests give you a good opportunity to look at the crowd. Or gawk at the crowd.
PC: Get out of your ivory tower, Coach. Rapid fire as Michael Tarver is up. Actually, he walks out. I’m not digging his "conscientious objector" gimmick.
Coach: Wade Barrett now. He steals the money.
PC: Cole thinks this is the greatest ruse since Keyser Soze convinced the devil he didn’t exist. Or something.
Coach: We get a video of what the pros think of Daniel Bryan.
PC: Bryan “The American Dragon” Danielson is one of the best wrestlers in the world and I'm honored to watch him lose every week.
Coach: Tap or snap. I like it.
PC: David Otunga calls out R-Truth. WHAT’S UP!
Coach: WHAT’S UP!
The Miz vs. Skip Sheffield (rookie)
Coach: Nice makeup job on the Miz.
PC: I guess that’s supposed to be from Big Show’s punch last night. Miz sells the punch further by cutting a mumbled, cotton-mouthed promo. He announces that he won’t be able to compete tonight and…jfas;ljdf;asldkjf;aj
Coach: Daniel Bryan will be taking The Miz’s place. PC just became incapacitated with joy.
PC: Ok, I’m good. Bryan starts off hot with several dropkicks and submission attempts. Looking great through thirty seconds.
Coach: Sheffield wears Daniel Bryan like a backpack, drops him, and wins the match out of nowhere.
PC: Fuck.
Final Thoughts
Coach: Daniel Bryan has a Shawn Michaels-esque beard.
PC: He actually trained at Michaels’s wrestling school. 0-9 on NXT, #1 in my heart.
Coach: And now, off to our Star Trek: The Next Generation blog!
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