PC: Not even a flat tire could keep me away from Raw tonight. However, the hockey game might. I will have no patience for Raw's garbage tonight.
Coach: Welcome to my world.
PC: We start it off with a recap of whatever Edge went on about endlessly. I have not bothered to take my headphones off yet. They do however, show some cool highlights from throughout his career. They are making Edge/Orton out to be the big feud of the summer. Lucky us.
Coach: When is Smackdown on again?
PC: Let's not go crazy yet. Randy Orton comes down to the ring and I decide that a better use of our time would be to see if the Penguins can score on the powerplay.
Coach: But what if there isn't a Raw Replay????
PC: We turn back just in time for Meat Loaf's entrance. They exchange witty repartee that could only be found in an Oscar Wilde play until Meat Loaf starts singing.
Coach: Randy Orton would be fifty times cooler if his entrance music was "I Would Do Anything for Love."
PC: Orton hits the RKO on Meat Loaf. And here comes Edge. Edge starts talking and I am not listening. He announces that Vicky Guerrero will be the next Raw General Manager. I have now changed the channel.
Coach: Hockey is pretty great, but it would be improved by chops.
PC: The Pittsburgh Steelers are in attendance. I did not see Big Ben among them.
Coach: Hmm, must have been in the bathroom.
Chris Jericho vs. David Hart Smith
PC: If Jericho wins, Jericho and Miz get a shot at the titles on the next PPV. Smith starts it off in control, hitting a stalling suplex. Jericho transitions by kicking the youngster in the face. Back and forth until Smith starts throwing Jericho around the ring. Smith locks on a sharpshooter but Jericho makes the ropes. Jericho hits the Code Breaker for the win and a future title shot.
Coach: Who'da thunk it.
PC: Backstage, Edge is talking to Batista. I think I missed something along the line where Edge needs a partner to wrestle Orton or something.
Coach: I like missing chunks of the show. It gives it some mystery, like Lost.
PC: Flavor Flav enters with R-Truth! WHAT'S UP!
Coach: WHAT'S UP!
PC: Flavor Flav's "Yeah Boy" hasn't been delivered better since 1991. They play to the crowd and there are thirty seconds left in the hockey game.
Coach: Before we switch stations, Flavor Flav announces that he will be the new Crypt Keeper and I'm pretty sure he was serious.
PC: A match was apparently going on but Carlito and his brother put an end to that. Flavor Flav has no idea what's going on and he's still the best guy in the announce booth. It turns out that they were paid off by Ted Dibiase Jr.
Coach: He subtlety pays them off right on the entrance ramp.
PC: Back from the break and they show a highlight package of Women's Champion Eve. Then they show the French Canadian chick from last week training with a judo instructor. They don't have to do much for me to hate someone from Montreal right now.
Coach: Mark Henry just hit Buzz Aldrin with a chair. Wrestling just peaked.
Zack Ryder vs. Evan Bourne
PC: WWE is pretty good at having wrestlers I like lose in quick, terrible matches. Let's see if Evan Bourne can deliver. Ryder in control to start.
Coach: Ryder forgot one of his pant legs.
PC: Bourne gets some fun offense in before Ryder takes control again. One of the divas interferes but to no avail. Bourne hits the prettiest Shooting Star Press in the business for the win.
Coach: Do you think Bourne will tells the rest of the guys about the match in homeroom tomorrow?
PC: Cena comes to the ring to announce the stipulation for his PPV match with Batista. And it will be...an I Quit match.
Coach: Damn. I was hoping for a "Glasses Match."
PC: For anyone that doesn't get that joke, read the last post. While you do that, Cena calls out Sheamus. And, um, we have a match. For the title. Weird. Wait, spoke too soon. Batista and Sheamus team up to beat Cena all over the ring.
Coach: Mark Henry comes down for the world's fattest save.
PC: Backstage Edge is talking to Vicky Guerrero and we check the score of the basketball game.
Tyson Kidd vs. The Miz
PC: If Kidd wins, Miz must defend the US Title against him next week...in Canada. Before I can even start to type anything, Kidd wins with a quick Roll-up. Miz announces that there was a loophole. He won't be wrestling either of the Hart Dynasty kids. Instead, he'll be defending the US Title against Bret Hart.
Coach: Hey. You typed that before he said it.
PC: This ain't my first rodeo, Coach.
NXT Rookies vs. John Morrison, Yoshi Tatsu, Goldust, & Santino Marella
Coach: I'll bet you a can of Corn Beef Hash that Daniel Bryan gets pinned here.
PC: sigh...Barrett starts things off with Goldust. Gabriel and Tatsu have the type of sloppy exchange that was happening all over the undercards of the US Indies back in 2001. Indies that Daniel Bryan was headlining, by the way. John Morrison throws Michael Tarver into Darren Young for a pretty cool spear spot. DANIEL BRYAN WINS! DANIEL BRYAN WINS! SWEET LORD, DANIEL BRYAN WINS!
Coach: We never shook on that CBH bet.
PC: A Smackdown recap of Drew McIntyre vs. Matt Hardy. Feel the hate. Teddy Long fires McIntyre from Smackdown. Does that mean he's coming to Raw?
Coach: This backstage comedy has got to end. You don't see this in Japan.
PC: Actually, you do. I just haven't showed you any yet because it's even more embarrassing than this.
Batista vs. Mark Henry
PC: Batista jumps Henry before the start of he match and goes at his shoulder with a chair. Batista puts Henry in a Rings of Saturn type hold and spits all over Henry as he yells at him. Batista refuses to let go of the hold even after Henry passes out.
Coach: Batista just gets to leave now? No Cena run-in?
Randy Orton vs. Edge & "A Partner of Edge's Choosing"
Coach: Orton has the worst theme song in the world.
PC: Edge's partner...Ted DiBiase Jr. Teddy and Randy start it off. Even match until Edge blind tags himself in and hits his sitting reverse DDT type thing. Edge and Teddy double team Orton as Vicky Guerrero cheers them on.
Coach: Is she Eddie's mom?
PC: Orton shows signs of life at various points but the heels keep control. Orton fights back and takes out both guys in turn. He does his weird pound the mat thing but can't hit the RKO on DiBiase. That is until R-Truth...
Coach: WHAT'S UP!
PC: ...distracts DiBiase long enough for Orton to hit the RKO.
Coach: Orton looks like he's going to rape Vicky Guerrero. I am uncomfortable right now.
PC: Vicky Guerrero resigns as General Manager and Orton hits an RKO on Edge on the floor.
Final Thoughts
Coach: I'm not even sure what I just watched.
PC: Daniel Bryan won. That's good enough for me. I hope they have a live feed of Neil Armstrong shaking his head in shame while watching Buzz Aldrin host Raw next week.
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