Coach: Hope Hospice of Southern Florida has a very strong lead right now. I can't decide if I want home care or hospice care. What I do know is that I want to die.
PC: We start with a recap of the NXT invasion at the end of last week's Raw.
Coach: I wish all wrestling could be in highlite package form. Everything has music and slo-mo and replays interspliced throughout.
PC: Wade Barrett in the ring. The rest of the NXT guys enter through the crowd. Awesome. The announcers are so creeped out that they exit ringside.
Coach: Daniel Bryan is conspicuously absent.
PC: I love the rookie invaders stuff. If this were happening in NOAH right now, the internet would melt. Each guy in sequence refuses to apologize.
Coach: I think I might start taking Darren Young seriously...
PC: Barrett is pretty great on the stick.
Coach: And those fascist-looking "N" armbands are pretty swank.
PC: Here comes Bret Hart. Barrett says that Daniel Bryan has been kicked out of the NXT faction for showing remorse.
Coach: This is the third time we've been told we'll never see Daniel Bryan again. I bet it sticks this time!
PC: Barrett demands that the rest of the NXT guys get contracts. Hart denies them. Not only that, but Bret fires Barrett.
Coach: Back from the commercial and we get a recap of what just happened five minutes ago. Just in case you forgot.
R-Truth vs. John Morrison vs. Zack Ryder vs. The Miz
PC: WHAT'S UP!
Coach:
WHAT'S UP!PC: Truth is really struggling with the lyrics tonight.
Coach: Morrison gives his glasses to a little kid who reacts like he just found out his dad is Turboman.
PC: Quick action from the very beginning with all four guys getting involved and going for quick roll-ups early. Morrison sunset flip-powerbombs Miz off the apron right into Ryder on the outside. Awesome spot.
Coach: Damn! We forgot to DVR Big Show's appearance on Royal Pains!
PC: That's what BitTorrent is for. Back from the break and all four guys are down after a crazy superplex/powerbomb clusterfuck out of the corner. Miz eventually gains control but is cut off on the outside by Morrison. They cycle through finishers and pin attempts.
Coach: Morrison's got R-Truth down and he looks conflicted as he goes to the top. He hits his crazy top rope spin thing but Miz tosses Morrison out of the ring and gets the pin. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
PC: Backstage, Randy Orton predicts that he will win the Fatal 4way this Sunday. That feels a bit biased to me. He also calls out the NXT rookies.
Coach: I wish that Randy Orton would open a T-shirt store. All the same T-shirts, all the same size. I would do 100% of my shopping there.
PC: Guy from Royal Pains is the Raw host tonight. Here come Teddy DiBiase.
Coach: He wants to pay off the Royal Pains guy to be the co-host for the night. He always wants to buy the stupidest stuff. Damn New Money.
PC: Royal Pains guy tries to do some comedy. Notice that I said "tries." Big Show and Royal Pains guy to face DiBiase and Virgil tonight.
Chris Jericho vs. Evan Bourne
Coach: Here comes the host of ABC's Downfall. Finally, a real celebrity/wrestler.
PC: Jericho in control early, keeping Evan Bourne on the ground. Bourne gets a few flurries in, but Jericho cuts him off early each time. Fun stuff. Bourne kicks out of the Codebreaker. Weird.
Coach: Ummm...
PC: Are they really giving Matt Sydal a sustained push? Weird. My head is spinning. Never did I dream that the skinny guy trading rana's with Delirious in a highschool gym in Indiana would be crushing Chris Jericho with a Shooting Star Press on Raw to a big ovation.
Coach: Here comes Cena. Jorts and all.
PC: John Cena calls the WWE ring sacred ground. This NXT thing is becoming a holy war.
Coach: The Gaza Strip has nothing on Raw.
PC: NXT guys come back out of the crowd. Lawler hops into the ring along with several other members of the Raw locker room. Wild brawl ensues. NXT guys end up retreating back through the crowd with several mid-carders in pursuit.
Coach: For the second week in a row, we accidentally fast forward through the Divas match. Whoops.
Big Show & Royal Pains Guy vs. Ted DiBiase Jr. & Virgil
PC: Big Show calls the Royal Pains guy his best friend. Really? Did they grow up together? Were they in the same fraternity? Frequent the same dive bar? Big Show, shockingly, uses his size to his advantage in the early going.
Coach: Teddy tags in Virgil. Finally, he real match can start.
PC: Big Show lifts the "Wrestling Superstar" by his head into the ring. The Royal Pains guy does The Worm. I guess he hasn't really followed Raw since abut 2001 or so. Nevertheless, he pins Virgil and gets the win. In protest, DiBiase shoves a 100 dollar bill into Virgil's mouth. Then he comes back and takes it away. Okay then. Here's what that reminds me of:
http://imagechan.com/images/bde0ed71769d401c37f3d793c379ecf4.jpg
Santino Marela vs. William Regal
PC: Special guest referee for the match will be Vladimir Kozlov.
Coach: I smell a conflict of interest. That should be added to the list of things that every good referee should have.
PC: Regal works over Santino's arm. Then Santino wins with a roll-up and a handful of tights. Regal starts to complain and here comes Bret Hart to settle the dispute.
Coach: Bret Hart asks the whole roster to come out onto the stage. This is a good reminder that Goldust is still collecting a WWE paycheck.
Edge & Sheamus vs. Randy Orton & John Cena
PC: Orton has a fresh shave and looks ESPECIALLY like Joran van der Sloot tonight.
Coach: Direct Quote: "John Cena is John Cena. That's the X factor. He's John Cena." I think he was referring to Sheamus.
PC: Sheamus and Cena start it out.
Coach: The Cena lovers will always outweigh the Cena haters. Kids of Cena and their high pitched pre-pubescent voices can easily drown out the drunken shouts of the 18-35 year old males.
PC: Pretty standard match for a Raw main event so far. Not that Coach would know. He's deep in hospice land at this point.
Coach: I just found two different hospices that use the exact same picture on the main page of their respective websites.
PC: Back from the break and Cena is on fire. Edge cuts him off and he and Sheamus beat up on Cena. Cena is really good in this role as the crowd loves every one of his mini-comebacks. Literally every time Cena does anything, the kids in the crowd freak out.
Coach: Ummm, you're doing the same thing.
PC: Shut up Coach. You would do the same for the Ravens if they were making a comeback against Edge and Sheamus.
Coach: I would pay so much money to go to that game.
PC: Oh yeah, Orton's in this match. He cleans house and hits the rope-assisted DDT on Sheamus. No look RKO on Edge! Sheamus cuts him off with an axe handle and a backbreaker. Tag to Edge and we get our second extended heat segment of the match. Cena tags in.
Coach: Uh oh. Oh no. The NXT guys are tearing apart the locker room and beating up Bret Hart. The oooooooold Die Hard with a Vengeance ploy.
PC: They shove Bret Hart into the back seat of a limo and then slam it into all sorts of stuff in the parking lot. wade Barrett says some Wade Barrett stuff and we end the show.
Final Thoughts
Coach: I'm just disappointed that we both have work tomorrow and will miss the Fatal 4way.
PC: Good Raw tonight (well, last Monday). NXT stuff, four way, and main event were all solid. Back in a few days with more reviews.
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