4/26/10 WWE Raw: The Draft!

PC: Are you ready for the universe to change?

Coach: I can't wait to see who goes to Smackdown!

PC: So that we can never watch them again.

Coach: I wonder who is going to make the mistake of drafting R-Truth who, as we saw last week, is now dead.

PC: You could say the same thing about Bret Hart. We start with a graphic of all the WWE Superstars.

Coach: It looks like we're about to play Tekken.

Miz & Big Show vs. The Hart Dynasty

PC: I met Miz once. It was in a haunted Civil War fort. Seriously.

Coach: His face is too small for his head.

PC: We head to commercial break with the Hart kids fully in control. I had no idea who Tyson Kidd was until I wikipedia'd him and found that he used to be internet darling TJ Wilson (hey, I took a two and a half year hiatus from wrestling when Chris Benoit killed his family. Gimme a break).

Coach: How do they know how to cue up the instant replay so fast. It's like they know what's coming...

PC: Miz and Show go into a heat segment, isolating Kidd in the ring. I hadn't realized that they were so over as heels. Hot tag to Smith and the crowd is nuts for the rest of the match. Hart Attack, Sharpshooter, and WE HAVE NEW CHAMPIONS!

Coach: We say this a lot, but this was, arguably, the greatest tag team match in the history of Monday Night Raw.

PC: Good stuff. Great way to start off the show. Hart kids are a lot of fun, even if 3/4 of their offense in tribute spots.

Coach: Recap of Cena vs. Batista from last night. We should have ordered Extreme Rules. Because we missed the greatest, most epic match ever.

PC: During the break, we see that Big Show knocked out Miz post match.

Coach: Former tag partners fight each other. That almost never happens, right?

PC: Never. We find out that The All-American American is also an Academic All-American.

Coach: Diva's match. Time to watch basketball!

Dwight Howard vs. The Bobcats

PC: Dwight's not getting much face heat in Charlotte. And we're between quarters. I'm switching back.

LeyCool vs. Two Girls that I missed the name of...sorry

Coach: What are they chanting?

PC: I think they're saying, "We want titties."

Coach: A classy Richmond crowd. I just saw a great sign: WWE: We Won't Draft Tebow.

PC: This sounds like Monica Seles playing tennis. LeyCool wins it and Smackdown gets a lottery pick. Is there no justice in the world? And...Kelly Kelly is switching brands.

Matt Sydal...err, Evan Bourne vs. CM Punk

PC: I definitely have grainy VHS tapes of these guys wrestling in various indies. Starts off fast with Bourne reversing into a sweet looking headscissor. Things settle in as Punk goes on the offensive. I get the urge to watch his 60 minute matches with Samoa Joe and the 93 minute match with Chris Hero. Bourne takes to the air and regains control until he is derailed by outside interference. Punk wins with the Go 2 Sleep.

Coach: I got another name for the Straight Edge Society: Terrorists.

PC: Smackdown gets another draft pick. This time it is...The Big Show!

Coach: Big Show definitely forgot his lines when he was talking to Mike Singletary.

PC: That was Smackdown GM Teddy Long. I don't force you to watch Smackdown, so I can understand if you don't know that. Here comes Sheamus to criticize Triple H. And here comes Randy Orton to shut him up.

Coach: Randy Orton seems to be the writers' go-to guy whenever they have writer's block. Orton seems to be implying that "The way you hate on Triple H is inferior to the way I hate on Triple H."

PC: And here comes Cena to shut them both up. Cena introduces tonight's Guest Host...wait for it...no one, apparently. Cena takes a phone call and rips on Sheamus's Irish-ness.

Coach: He also finally solved the mystery of why he wrestles in jean shorts.

PC: This is already more satisfying than Lost. Cena then announces a number one contender's match: Sheamus vs. Randy Orton.

Coach: We have our main event, ladies and gentlemen! Or perhaps just gentlemen and younger gentlemen.

Interbrand Battle Royale

PC: Three draft picks on the line here for the winner.

Coach: R-Truth! He's Alive! I don't see how he could lose this match, considering that he recovered from an explosion in only a week.

PC: We head to commercial break as the midcarders half-heartedly trade forearms.

Coach: I'm pretty sure Mark Henry used to be Sexual Chocolate.

PC: Correct. Things are whittled down to Mysterio vs. El Hijo del DiBiase. DiBiase wins after an extended sequence on the apron. Three draft picks to Raw...John Morrison.

Coach: I remember him from Wayne's World 2.

PC: Next pick...R-Truth!

Coach: R-Truth is on Raw! WHAT'S UP!

PC: WHAT'S UP!

Coach: And there's one more...Edge! The Rated-R Superstar!

PC: We get a commercial for the Wrestlemania XXVI DVD.

Coach: Dare I say it...Wrestlemania on Blu-Ray?

PC: First we need an HD TV. Then we need a Blu-Ray Player. Then we need Predator. Then we can get Wrestlemania. We come back and Jericho whines about losing to Edge at Extreme Rules. Edge also whines about losing to a "faceless, nameless rookie" on NXT last week.

Coach: He's not faceless and nameless! He's Heath Slater, the One-Man Rock Band.

PC: Jericho invites Slater down to the ring to apologize for embarrassing him last week. Cole proclaims it the biggest upset in WWE history. Obviously he's forgetting Funaki over Triple H.

Coach: I'm with Cole here.

Christian vs. Chris Jericho

PC: Christian works Jericho's ankle early. Coach decides this is a good time to go to the bodega as we go to commercial. Back from commercial and Jericho is in control. Slater bounces around like a goof at ringside. Jericho misses a lionsault and we transition back to Christian's offense. Jericho looks good with short hair, and he's definitely a better heel. Back and forth TV match formula ensues, worked well by both. Christian dives from the top rope right into the Code Breaker. Cool finish. Jericho beats up Christian and Slater afterward. Smackdown gets Kofi Kingston as their pick. He immediately attacks Jericho. In other news, Coach is back!

Coach: I got milk, bread, juice, and tomato sauce (because I have lots of leftover pasta. Still). Also, I have to change my PIN number.

PC: Fact of the Day: The WWE Vault has over 100,000 hours of footage.

Coach: How secure do you think the WWE Vault is?

PC: Only one way to find out...heist.

Coach: I'll get started on trying to find an Inside Man.

Jack Swagger vs. John Morrison

PC: Morrison representing Raw after being drafted earlier tonight. Apparently, Morrison beat Swagger on Smackdown a few weeks ago. Coach decides to make a plate of pasta rather than watch this one. Swagger does some amateur moves and slaps the back of Morrison's head. Crowd doesn't seem to care. Swagger works a headlock like he watched Flair/Steamboat last night. He maintains control as we set a new record for mid-match commercials.

Coach: From what I could hear in the kitchen, this is not the greatest match ever...but it's damn close.

PC: We come back and Swagger is still dominating. Morrison mounts various comebacks before Swagger nails him with the Doctor Bomb. Or the All-American Bomb or Sooner Bomb or whatever the WWE has decided to call it. And Smackdown gets....Christian!

Coach: Next week's Raw Host is Wayne Brady. I hope he sings. Also, does going to Smackdown count as a demotion?

PC: Teddy DiBiase asks R-Truth...

Coach: WHAT'S UP!

PC: WHAT'S UP! ...to be his bodyguard. R-Truth says he's no Virgil and slaps DiBiase. Cole claims that we just witnessed history. God damn it. Awkward segue into a video package of Cena supporting the troops.

(Coach tries to speak but quickly gets choked up)

Dolph Ziggler vs. Hornswaggle

PC: Hornswaggle, dressed in cammo, is also supporting the troops tonight.

(Coach is still choked up)

PC: Hornswaggle somehow wins by countout. Dolph gets revenge via the dreaded Sleeper Hold.

Coach: They just said "Manhandle Hornswaggle."

PC: Chris Jericho is coming to Raw.

Coach: It's essentially a two team league. You'd think Smackdown would be doing a little better. Who's making these picks, Matt Millen?

PC: Mel Kiper would not approve of this strategy. We get another highlight package of last night's Cena/Batista Last Man Standing Match.

Coach: Dare I say it...Extreme Rules on Blu-Ray?

PC: Uh-oh, here comes Batista.

Coach: He seems very close to calling John Cena the N-word.

PC: Sheamus comes out and hates on Batista. Orton interrupts.

Coach: Orton hates on other haters. Any time someone's hating, he has to come out and tell them how much better a hater he is.

PC: Cena interrupts and announces that it will be a Triple Threat match. Right now.

Batista vs. Randy Orton vs. Sheamus

PC: They take turns beating each other up one on one. Orton does his unconvincing "Crazy Eyes" thing.

Coach: It's the battle of the tattooed mus...Oh My God a guy in an NWO t-shirt!

PC: Orton is dominating Batista. Not much Sheamus so far.

Coach: Sheamus took a break to reapply his sunscreen.

PC: Did you know Batista is like 42?

Coach: No way! What is he gonna do after WWE doesn't resign him? What other career options does a tattooed, muscly, 42 year old have?

PC: TNA, I guess.

Coach: Perhaps Scorpion King 3?

PC: Back from commercial and Sheamus is in control of Orton. The Prince of Persia Replay shows us that Batista hit both the ring post and the ring steps during the break. Orton regains control but is cut off by a recovered Batista. Control rotates again as each guy starts to hit power moves.

Coach: Oh no! Orton's got the crazy eyes!

PC: Not for long. We get into the "one guy hits a big move and goes for a pin only to have it broken up by the third guy" section of the match.

Coach: It's frustrating, but it makes for all-time great matches.

PC: Orton hits the RKO only to be taken out by EDGE! Batista drapes his arm over Orton and we have a winner!

Coach: I think we have our Fatal 4Way main event.

Final Thoughts

PC: Solid show. Most of the matches had time and the workers delivered. I think I liked the tag match best. It also did a good job of setting up the next couple months of feuds, even if we have to do Cena vs. Batista yet again.

Coach: Some of the greatest wrestling that's ever been wrestled. Certainly historic. Looking forward to R-Truth on Raw.

PC: Until tomorrow...